2012 Cleveland Browns Schedule

The Browns' 2012 schedule is out, and, boy, is it a doozy.  So how bad is going to be?  Let's peek into the crystal ball and find out:

WEEK 1: Philadelphia Eagles 27 Cleveland Browns 13 (0-1)
GM Tom Heckert, head coach Pat Shurmur, and new offensive coordinator Brad Childress all have something to prove against their former employer in Philly, and the mauling laid on Mike Vick by Phil Taylor and Jabaal Sheard nearly makes a Browns victory a reality.  Knocking the former dog-drowner out of the game late in the third quarter while clinging to a 13-10 lead, the Browns' defense promptly goes on to get blitzkrieg-ed by a Mike Kafka-led assault.  On offense, rookie QB Brandon Weeden hits rookie wideout Ryan Tannehill (that's right, fools; H&H changed the game on you!  While everyone else was playing checkers, they were drafting two shitty QB's and moving one back to WR!!!!) for two TDs, but new long snapper Christian Yount bounces his second extra point snap off Phil Dawson's face.  Somewhere, Ryan Pontbriand smiles.


WEEK 2: Cincinnati Bengals 17 Cleveland Browns 14 (0-2)
Early in the second quarter, Brandon Jackson dislocates his earlobe and is lost for the season.  On the very next play, Chris Ogbonnaya shatters his ankle, which, when coupled with Montario Hardesty blowing out both knees simultaneously on the bus to the first pre-season game, leaves the Browns with no active running backs on the depth chart.  Enter Pat Shurmur's secret weapon: Alex Smith.  The former Stanford tight end totes the rock a career-high 24 times, pounding his way to 101 yards, one touchdown, and only 4 fumbles.  Clinging to a 14-10 lead with 33 seconds left, A.J. Green makes a leaping, one-handed snag between 3 Browns defenders, makes two more miss with sick juke moves, stiff arms another, runs the length of the goal line before reversing field and stiff arming three more Browns, punches Shurmur in his mouth, cartwheels into the end zone for his third straight game-winning TD against Cleveland, and then proceeds to fuck every single one of our mothers.

WEEK 3: Cleveland Browns 30 Buffalo Bills 27 (1-2)
With Tannehill and Weeden looking like a young (well, in Tannehill's case at least) Montana-to-Rice, and Alex Smith finding his calling as workhorse back (27 carries, 118 yards, 3 fumbles), the Browns explode.  Despite his best efforts, Bills receiver Justin Blackmon can't out-do Tannehill and make the Browns regret letting him fall to number 10.  Phil Dawson calmly nails a 56-yard game-winner into the wind despite a snap that bounces 4 times.

WEEK 4: Baltimore Ravens 27 Cleveland Browns 9 (1-3)
Baltimore stymies Smith (29 carries, 72 yards, 8 fumbles), and keep the creaky Weeden from getting comfortable in the pocket, resulting in his worst day as a pro (1-19, 89 yards, 2 INTs, 12 sacks).  Ray Rice runs for 327 yards and 3 TDs as Joe Flacco doesn't attempt a pass.

WEEK 5: New York Giants 12 Cleveland Browns 2 (1-4)
The safety comes on the opening kickoff when Giants returner Will Blackmon fields the ball at the one and Josh Cribbs chases him back into the end zone and then drop-kicks him out the back of it.  Lawrence Tynes hits 4 field goals, and the game is widely considered one of the worst NFL games of the past decade.

WEEK 6: Cleveland Browns 24 Cincinnati Bengals 16 (2-4)
On the first offensive play of the game, TJ Ward jumps offside to deliver a devastating forearm smash to AJ Green's head, knocking the pain-in-the-ass out of the game.  The Browns take off from there, jumping out to a 21-0 halftime lead.  Cincinnati gets some garbage time points when Shurmur puts Alex Smith at safety in the fourth quarter.  Following the game, Brandon Weeden announces his retirement, as his pension kicks in on this, his 67th birthday.

WEEK 7: Cleveland Browns 52 Indianapolis Colts 48 (3-4)
Andrew Luck solidifies his status as the top cock of the 2012 NFL Draft with a stunning 593-yard, 6 TD performance that is fortunately not enough to counter the Browns' new four-headed monster of McCoy, Cribbs, Tannehill, and Wallace.  With all four in the backfield on every play in a horizontal line (with Alex Smith of course split out wide), the Brownies keep the Colts' defense guessing as center Alex Mack reads the defense and then decides which QB to snap to.  All four eclipse 100 yards passing in the game, with Tannehill and Cribbs adding 100 yards receiving, and Cribbs and Wallace eclipsing 50 yards rushing each.  The sports world wonders if a new juggernaut is born, or if the Colts still really just suck.

WEEK 8: San Diego Chargers 38 Cleveland Browns 0 (3-5)
Apparently the Colts still really just suck.

WEEK 9: Baltimore Ravens 13 Cleveland Browns 7 (3-6)
The defense has its best game of the year, holding Ray Rice to 62 yards and picking off Joe Flacco three times.  The Browns have a chance to win it at the end, but Shurmur for some reason calls a flea-flicker with Alex Smith throwing the ball from the Ravens 19 as time expires.  Smith, of course, fumbles the pitch.

WEEK 10: BYE
Pat Shurmur is relieved of his duties.  Perpetual interim coach Terry Robiskie takes over.  His first move is to re-sign his son, Brian.

WEEK 11: Cleveland Browns 45 Dallas Cowboys 44 (4-6)
The Browns score the winning touchdown as time expires when Tannehill uncorks a 73-yard bomb--on a wide receiver reverse pass option/read--to a wide-open Robiskie, who was left completely uncovered due to Cowboys' defensive coordinator Rob Ryan's ludicrous jail-break blitz (and also due to Robiskie completely sucking balls).

WEEK 12: Cleveland Browns 9 Pittsburgh Steelers 6 (5-6)
Alex Smith makes James Harrison his bitch, knocking the Pittsburgh linebacker out of the game after three straight truck moves.  Smith finishes the day with only 18 yards on 30 carries (and 4 fumbles), but he is forever loved in Cleveland for smashing Harrison.  Phil Dawson hits 2 50+ yard field goals, and adds a 61-yarder for the win.

WEEK 13: Oakland Raiders 17 Cleveland Browns 16 (5-7)
In an enormous letdown, the Browns let the Raiders jump out to a 17-0 lead before a furious 4th quarter comeback attempt falls short.  Colt McCoy has his best game of the year, going 22-25 for 123 yards.

WEEK 14: Cleveland Browns 21 Kansas City Chiefs 14 (6-7)
Romeo Crennel's return to Cleveland is splendid, as Donato's pizza rains from the skies and Peyton Hillis is held to 23 yards on 12 carries.  The forgotten Ben Watson is the offensive hero for the Browns, catching 8 balls for 97 yards and 2 TDs.

WEEK 15: Washington Redskins 56 Cleveland Browns 35 (6-8)
Robert Griffin III has 460 yards passing, 153 yards rushing, and 8 total TDs as he decimates the Browns while remaining charming as shit.  After the game, Randy Lerner rushes the field, cups Griffin's sac, and then spends the next week sniffing his hand.  Alex Smith has 200 yards rushing with 12 fumbles.

WEEK 16: Denver Broncos 38 Cleveland Browns 33 (6-9)
With the ball at the Broncos' 8 yard line, trailing 38-31 with 1:12 left, McCoy hands the ball off to Smith.  The former tight end seems on his way to the end zone when Von Miller strips the ball and the Broncos recover at the 2.  Denver takes an intentional safety, and the Browns are left feeling like they got smacked with a deja vu dick right in the mouth.

WEEK 17: Pittsburgh 48 Cleveland 0 (6-10)
Following The Fumble v. 2.0, a deflated Browns squad is no match for the second string of the playoff-bound Steelers, especially after every QB on the roster suffers a concussion.  Ryan Tannehill is forced into emergency duty, and shows why he isn't an NFL quarterback, going 0-25 with 5 picks.  Alex Smith is held to 6 carries (5 fumbles), and even Phil Dawson misses his only field goal attempt.  After the season, Terry Robiskie is put back into his interim coach trunk, Brian Robiskie is cut, and Alex Smith dies after playing every offensive snap.  Brandon Weeden's number is retired, Randy Lerner still hasn't washed the Griffin ball-musk off his hand, and Clevelanders are left to hope and pray that the new regime will know what they're doing in April 2013.