The Mighty Quinn has arrived (finally)

Brady Quinn finally signed with the Browns today, and all I have to say is why bother? Why not just make him sit out the rest of camp? He's so far behind now that what's the difference, right? But since that didn't happen, let's take a look into the crystal ball and see how Quinn's new five-year, $20 million contract (which could turn into $30 million, with incentives) will play out.

• YEAR ONE

Quinn won’t even see the field before the third preseason game, as Coach Romeo Crennel proved that he will punish rookie holdouts during Braylon Edwards’s rookie season. At about the ten game mark, with the Browns out of the playoff race and Crennel fired, Quinn will be thrown into the fire, and will show incremental improvement every week, giving the Browns and their fans a glimmer of hope for the next season. During the off-season, Quinn will act like a queer.

• YEAR TWO

Quinn will pick up where he left off, justifying the Browns surrendering a top-5 pick to Dallas for his rights. The Browns get off to a surprising start, and Quinn is the talk of the NFL. After two weeks of this, everyone in America is sick of it and now hate the Browns for being good and getting attention (unlike before, when America hated the Browns for sucking ass and being a joke to the national media). The Browns just miss the playoffs, but Quinn is playing at a Pro Bowl-level by the end of the season. During the off-season, Quinn will act like a douche.

• YEAR THREE

Quinn will holdout of training camp, demanding that he be paid like the Pro Bowler he played like at the end of the previous season (but is not actually, since he didn’t make the Pro Bowl). After missing the first two and half weeks of camp and drawing the ire of fans and teammates alike, Quinn will sign a seven-year, $80 million extension. He will then blow out his knee in his first preseason appearance, putting the rest of his career in question. During the press-conference announcing the devastating news, Quinn will cry uncontrollably, and not only when he is talking, but when others are as well, until eventually the entire room goes silent, waiting for him to compose himself (which he does after another 10-15 minutes).

• YEAR FOUR

Quinn will miss the entire year rehabbing. When he is not in the gym or in the tape room, he will act like complete Clown Shoes.

• YEAR FIVE

Quinn will report to camp in fantastic shape, but will have to compete with last year’s starter, Drew Stanton, who won fans over with his gunslinger ways in Quinn’s absence. Neither QB will gain an edge on the other, and the Browns enter the season with Quinn as the starter, but Stanton just as deserving. Cleveland will be split into two camps, either pro-Quinn or pro-Stanton, reminding those with a memory span longer than two years of the Tim Couch vs. Kelly Holcomb debate. I will then kill myself. (Also, Brady Quinn will act like a complete queer who smells vinegary like a douche and will wear a big pair of ridiculous Clown Shoes.)