Classic TV: "I don't have to take an acting class! I look like a blueberry!"

Going old school with a clip from MTV's sketch comedy show "The State." Enjoy.

Classic Movie Moments: "You wanna play some baseball?"

The drug deal scene from "Boogie Nights." This is one of the more intense, funny, depressing, and insane scenes from any movie I have ever scene. There's great acting (Tom Jane really stands out), great music (nowadays anybody could be really good friends with Rick Springfield) and amazing direction. And Jesus, Cosmo, could you stop it with the goddamn firecrackers? (I guess he is Chinese, though.)

College Picks 9-27-06

Here are my picks for this week’s college football matches involving teams from the AP Top 25 (because Jim Tressell proved how worthless the Coach’s Poll is during the week leading up to the Texas game). Get ready to be rich.

#1 Ohio State (-5) over #13 Iowa

Being an Ohio State fan, I am very much aware of their struggles in night games (the Northwestern game from 2004 stands out, but that could be because A) I told everyone it was going to happen before the season even started and B) my buddy Nick puked all over the local BW3’s and then got into a fist fight with a Michigan fan). However, two factors have me feeling extremely confident that this game will be over by halftime. One, Ohio State is really, really good, and I think the thumping they gave Texas has helped them move on from their night game struggles. Two, and even more importantly than one, Iowa isn’t very good. I have no idea how they’re ranked #13. They needed overtime to beat Syracuse, and the Hawkeyes would have lost that game if the ‘Cuse could have converted on one of their seven attempts at the goal line. “But Drew Tate was hurt!” you exclaim. True, but Tate wasn’t hurt the next week when the Hawkeyes had to come from behind to beat a very iffy Iowa State team. “But Iowa always struggles with the Cyclones, what with the inner state rivalry and all!” you exclaim again, annoying me to no end. Also true. What you have failed to exclaim, however, is that the Buckeyes smoked the Hawkeyes 31-6 last year, a game in which Iowa had a healthy Drew Tate and two of the best linebackers in the country in Abdul Hodge and David Greenway, both of whom have since left for the pros. A few more interesting facts for you:

• Iowa is 0-7-1 all-time versus the number one ranked team in the country, and the last three meetings have been routs.
• This is the first true night game in the history of Kinnick Stadium, which leads me to believe that the Hawkeyes aren’t exactly grizzled veterans when it comes to prime-time football.

#2 Auburn (-7.5) over South Carolina

I’m not supremely confident with this pick after seeing how little scoring Auburn did against LSU and how well South Carolina’s defense has played at home. Still, it seems safer to bet Auburn to cover than for South Carolina to keep it close. If you’re going to take South Carolina, you might as well take them to win it outright as well.

#3 USC (-14) over Washington State

No explanation needed I hope.

Alabama (+13) over #5 Florida

Thirteen just seems like a huge spread for an SEC game that doesn’t involve Vanderbilt or Kentucky.

#6 Michigan (-4.5) over Minnesota

Are you kidding me? Florida is favored by 13 over Alabama but Michigan is only giving 4.5 to a team that just lost to Purdue? That Metrodome crowd must really be rowdy.

Mississippi State (+30.5) over #9 LSU

Not because I think Mississippi State has a chance to win or even score but because I have trouble seeing LSU putting up 31 points.

Ole Miss (+13) over #10 Georgia

Georgia should be in control the entire game, but don’t expect a blowout given how muddled Georgia’s quarterback situation is.

#24 Georgia Tech (+11) over #11 Virginia Tech

Not only is Virginia Tech not going to cover, they’re going to lose. Georgia Tech is my darling, and I’d trust Calvin Johnson to catch my balls with the warmth and gentleness of an Asian masseuse even if Brett Favre was rifling them through double coverage to him.

#12 Notre Dame (-14.5) over Purdue

I think the Fighting Irish found themselves in that comeback over Michigan State. They’re not nearly as good as everyone said coming into the season, but they are good enough to beat Purdue by 15 at home.

Arizona State (+1) over #14 Oregon

I don’t think the Ducks will cover, but they will win. (Just seeing if you’re paying attention.)

#15 Tennessee (-13.5) over Memphis

There’s no way the Vols lose to in-state rivals two years in a row (Vanderbilt beat them last year).

#17 TCU (-7) over BYU

If you’re betting on this game, there’s numbers you can call.

#18 Clemson (-33) over Louisiana Tech

I usually am scared away by big spreads, but what the hell. Let’s just hope that whichever Bowden is coaching the Tigers continues to eschew extra points for two point conversions, as he did in Clemson’s win over Florida State.

#20 California (-10) over Oregon State

Only 10? Is there something about Oregon State that I don’t know?

#21 Nebraska (-16.5) over Kansas

Kansas hasn’t won in Lincoln since 1968. Plus, Nebraska’s going to be fired up after losing to the Jayhawks last year.

#22 Boise State (+4) over Utah

This one’s coming down to the wire with no more than a field goal deciding it.

South Florida (+3.5) over #23 Rutgers

I’m afraid Rutgers’ stay in the top 25 ends abruptly after only one week.

#25 Missouri (-15) over Colorado

Colorado, despite the near upset of Georgia, is pretty damn bad, while Missouri is actually quite good.

Happenings on the INTERNET! 9/26/06

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Diminishing Skills Music Video Hall of Fame: John Parr "Naughty Naughty"

Haha. This one's for my main man Chad. Watch the chick at the beginning. I'm pretty sure she slaps him because she is his daughter or niece or something. John Parr, you're a fucking creep.

Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In the Land (Week 4)

Last week’s ranking in parentheses.

32. Oakland Raiders 0-2 (32)

The Raiders didn’t even play last week, and yet I have an intense urge to drop them further.

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-3 (30)

Say what you will about how shitty Chris Simms was (and he was quite shitty), but the guy’s got guts for playing with a ruptured spleen. Of course, he now has one less gut, but still.

30. Houston Texans 0-3 (29)

The Texans D somehow made the Washington Redskins offense look dangerous. Plus, they gave up a record 22 straight completions to a corpse.

29. Tennessee Titans 0-3 (31)

How good would Drew Bennett (16 catches, 235 yards) be if he had anyone other than Kerry Collins throwing to him? Don’t worry. We’ll know in one or two weeks.

28. Detroit Lions 0-3 (27)

It’s stupid how close the Lions are to being the worst franchise in any sport of the new millennium.

27. Cleveland Browns 0-3 (28)

Do-or-die time, Brownies. If you don’t beat the Raiders this week, I am done watching you for the year.

26. Kansas City Chiefs 0-2 (24)

I don’t really think they’re this bad, but as long as Damon (or is it Brock?) Huard is their starting QB, they will remain in the company of these other boobs.

25. Green Bay Packers 1-2 (26)

21 more TD passes until Brett Favre breaks Dan Marino’s all-time record, which also means 21 more TD passes until Favre has no reason left to play.

24. N.Y. Giants 1-2 (11)

The Giants are one quarter and an overtime period away from being 0-3, and two quarters and an overtime period away from being 0-3 with a point differential of 92 against versus 31 for, or -61 points (their actual point differential is 92 against versus 81 for, but 44 of the Giants’ points have come in the fourth quarters of their last two games and 6 came on that overtime touchdown by Plaxico Burress versus the Eagles). Ouch.

23. San Francisco 49ers 1-2 (21)

I would like to whole-heartedly thank the 49ers for getting steamrolled by the Eagles and for helping me stay alive in my King of the Hill contest. If I were there in San Fran, boys, you could certainly expect a kiss on each and every one of your starfishes.

22. 21. 22. Arizona Cardinals 1-2 (17)

If Dennis Green can jerk around naming his starting QB on consecutive days, then I can jerk around with the Cardinals’ ranking. And I know you’re reading, Dennis, so could you just stick with Warner for the sake of my fantasy team? Please?

21. Washington Redskins 1-2 (25)

Did that game against Houston prove that this is a different team when Clinton Portis is playing, or did it just remind everyone that Houston and number one pick Mario “I can’t even believe they passed on Bush” Williams are the worst defense in recent memory?

20. Buffalo Bills 1-2 (22)

Shouldn’t their helmets have a picture of a duck with an arrow pointing at its beak, or should I say bill?

19. Miami Dolphins 1-2 (23)

Congratulations, Miami. By beating Tennessee, you became the third member of what is sure to be an exclusive 14 member club.

18. Dallas Cowboys 1-1 (13)

Why the drop? Well, according to my source in Dallas, I had no fucking clue who to put here and just went with a team that had a bye.

17. St. Louis Rams 2-1 (18)

Kurt Warner finally paid back the Rams for giving him a shot as a starter by handing St. Louis their second win of the year. Kurt Warner, what a guy (but that wife of his is a stupid bulldyke cunt if you ask me).

16. N.Y. Jets 2-1 (16)

A tough win over a divisional opponent doesn’t move you anywhere when that divisional opponent is the Buffalo Bills.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-2 (14)

15. Carolina Panthers 1-2 (15)

Sure, the Steelers got soundly thumped by the Bengals, and yes, the Panthers struggled against the Bucs, but I’m not anywhere near ready to write these two off yet.

13. Minnesota Vikings 2-1 (10)

I fear the day when the Vikings go on a losing streak and Brad Childress feels compelled to shave his ‘stache to turn the tide. Don’t do it, Brad! Please, God, don’t!

12. Atlanta Falcons 2-1 (2)

I know the Falcons were in a no-win situation against the Saints, but c’mon. It looked like Jim Mora, Jr. and his staff honestly thought that no one could ever stop their running game, so they therefore didn’t even bother working on the passing game. I know Mike Vick isn’t ever going to be Peyton Manning, but the guy’s got some skill. There’s no way he’s that bad throwing the ball unless he and his receivers just never got the time needed to work together.

11. New Orleans Saints 3-0 (20)

Guess what? I’m still not buying it. The Saints have won against the Browns, the Packers, and in a game that there was absolutely no way they were going to lose. I heard Chris Myers today on Fox Sports Radio talking about how the Saints have become America’s team. Honestly, when the Saints lose three in a row and five of six, no one in America is going to care about them, including people in New Orleans who, in case you forgot, have an entire city to rebuild. So, yes, it was great that the Superdome is back open and functional and that the rest of America can get closure on the whole Katrina catastrophe even if the end is nowhere in sight for the actual victims of it. Now can we please stop. Please?

10. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-1 (1)

So they got beat by Indy in Indy. Big deal. They’ll get the Colts back in Jacksonville. Just watch.

9. Baltimore Ravens 3-0 (5)

I’d bitch at these guys for scheduling pasties (Tennessee, Oakland, and Cleveland) if I actually gave a damn about their STD-ravaged town or their knife-wielding acquitted middle linebacker.

8. New England Patriots 2-1 (8)

I have vocally supported the Deion Branch trade, and will continue to do so, but maybe the Pats should have checked with Tom Brady before pulling the trigger. Not only does Brady lack any kind of trust in his receivers, he seems to genuinely despise them.

7. Philadelphia Eagles 2-1 (11)

The Eagles should be 3-0, although it still wouldn’t be that impressive since those wins (or should-be wins) have come against the Texans, the Giants, and the 49ers. Up next: Green Bay. Jesus, who made their schedule, Brian Billick?

6. Seattle Seahawks 3-0 (9)

Even though Shaun Alexander is out indefinitely (as my good friend and fantasy opponent Bob has pointed out about 73 times in the past 18 hours), I don’t see it affecting this team that much. Alexander hasn’t done shit this year, and now that he’s out, he’ll still be doing shit. Looks like a push to me.

5. Denver Broncos 2-1 (19)

It looks like the Broncos are going to have one of those years where every week they’re going to look like shit—win or lose—and the next thing you know they have a first round bye in the playoffs. Ugh.

4. San Diego Chargers 2-0 (5)

The bye week hurt the Cowboys, but helps the Chargers as I completely forgot about them until now.

3. Indianapolis Colts 3-0 (3)

They did what they were supposed to, holding serve at home against the Jaguars. Once they beat the Jags in Jacksonville, they will easily move up.

2. Chicago Bears 3-0 (5)

The Bears have just set the record for being the fastest team to ever clinch a divisional title, having already beaten all three of their NFC North brothers.

1. Cincinnati Bengals 3-0 (4)

The Bengals should join the Bears following Cincinnati’s imminent November 5 trouncing of the overrated Ravens.

Monday Night Football: Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints

A few quick thoughts on the first half of the Monday Night Football game…

• Isn’t it strange that New Orleans is welcoming back the Saints since we all know it’s the Saints’ fault that Hurricane Katrina kicked as much ass as it did? Think about it. In 2000, the Saints fired Mike Ditka, and, as we all know, if Ditka fights a hurricane, Ditka wins (unless the hurricane’s name is Ditka).
• Leave it to ESPN to make me actually cheer against the Saints with their sappy coverage of New Orleans and the devastation the city has seen. Thank God they’ve kept their 9/11 coverage low-key and to a minimum.
• Why the hell is the Packers/Eagles game on Monday night?
• Alge Crumpler just dropped two relatively easy touchdown passes. Did Ryan Hamby cover himself in shoe polish and steal Crumpler’s jersey?
• With about 4 minutes left in the first quarter, Reggie Bush ran a counter, danced in the hole, and got dropped for a 3 yard loss. On the next play, Bush ran a draw, hit the hole hard, and picked up 5 yards. It is rare to see a rookie make such quick adjustments, and serves as further proof that Bush is going to be a hell of a player very soon.
• Devery Henderson just scored on a double reverse. There’s one of Sean Payton’s infamous, and I mean no offense to anyone, Jap plays in action.
• New Orleans punter Steve Weatherford has more tattoos than every other punter in NFL history combined, not including Chris Gardocki, of course, who has a slash tattooed on his back for every punt he has that doesn’t get blocked (the count is making its way around his taint and should have his banana and nuts covered by the end of the season).
• Warrick Dunn is 22 on the NFL’s all-time rushing yards list. That is astounding. With the advances in medical technology, the lengthening of the schedule, and the fact that players don’t have to work in the off-season (as they did up until the 70s) and can concentrate on training, I predict that in 20 years the top 25 all-time rushers will have all played after 1990.
• Interesting how Mike Tirico had to throw ABC in when listing the news networks that carried Katrina coverage (CNN and Fox News were the other two). Do you really think that ABC was people’s third choice or do you think the bosses at Disney (which owns both ABC and ESPN) made sure Tirico included ABC? Or do you think Tirico was just kissing ass?
• I know I’m a bit of a dick, and am openly rooting for Atlanta to break New Orleans’ collective heart. But Joe Horn just got a standing O after going up high over the middle to make a catch and getting drilled. I hate to say it, but it was a genuinely cool moment.
• Tirico: “DeLoach just picked up a silly flag.” I wish they actually had a “silly flag” for stupid penalties, one with polka dots and streamers and shit. That would be fun.
• U2 & Green Day: Nothing says “New Orleans” like a self-righteous rock group from Ireland and a played-out punk band from Orange County.
• Kornheiser, following the Saints blocking a field goal: “How good do you feel if you’re a member of the Saints or a fan of the Saints?” implying that they’re feeling good because a hurricane destroyed their city and this is offering an escape. News flash, Tony. If the Browns had just had a half like the Saints did, I and every other person in Northeast Ohio would be pretty goddamn happy, just as I’m sure actual members of the Browns would be. And with that, I fear that the Saints are going to roll to victory. If this game has proven anything, it’s that when the Falcons are in a close game and can just pound the ball, they’re pretty damn good, but when a team opens up a lead on them and forces Vick to pass, they’re extremely beatable. We’ll see how it plays out.

And some non-MNF notes…
• First Shaun Alexander goes down, and now Kurt Warner just got benched. It’s looking pretty bleak for the Battered Roast Beef 2006 Fantasy Football Club.
• The Indians just crushed the White Sox, 14-1, highlighted by Casey Blake hitting the team’s 14th grand slam of the season. I guarantee that the Indians will score one or less runs the next game. It’s just been that kind of season.
• For those that care, you can see the entire Matt Hughes fight from Saturday here.

Weekly Arrested Development Clip: Tobias Funke is growing hair in unexpected places

Arrested Development was the funniest show to ever be aired on television. Unfortunately, no one ever watched it. That's cool. Whatever. But just so I can talk about the show's funnier moments with friends, I've decided to have a weekly clip, just to give you a little taste of what you've missed. In this first clip, you'll meet Tobias Funke, who you'll learn once held down two professions at once. Enjoy.


Arrested Development re-runs are being aired on G4 (channel 130 on Time Warner Digital Cable locally) every weekday night at 11:30. All three seasons are also on DVD, so if you like, check them the fuck out.

Monday Night Football 9-25-06

I'm not doing another log. How many more jokes can I make about Michael Irvin being retarded?
Instead, just a quick pick. Everything about me says the Falcons should just run all over the Saints. Sure, New Orleans is 2-0, but they've beat the Browns and the Packers, and they almost blew the game against a Browns team whose entire offense was Charlie Frye running around for his life and winging it down field to Kellen Winslow. But all logic goes out the window in the first game in a city that was utterly destroyed one year ago. If this were any other game, Atlanta wins by more than 2 touchdowns. Circumstances being what they are, however, the Falcons win on a last-second field goal kicked by none other than New Orleans fave, Morten Andersen, and everyone goes home happy.

Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In the Land (Week 3)

32. Oakland Raiders 0-2

They’re not, uh… they’re not good.

31. Tennessee Titans 0-2

The Titans just traded Billy Volek to the Chargers, ending my crazy fantasy experiment of drafting him and Drew Bennett and having them go nuts whenever the Titans faced a team with a great offense but shitty pass D. Unfortunately, Jeff Fisher decided it was more prudent to go with Kerry Collins and his 1.9 QB rating. Alas, I can only wonder what could have been.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-2

Where’s Shaun King when you need him?

29. Houston Texans 0-2

If the Texans could play D, they might be alright (league worst 67 points given up in the first two games). Man, if only they had taken some defense with the first pick instead of reaching for the stars with Regg- Oh, that’s right. Never mind.

28. Cleveland Browns 0-2

The best news about this week: a showdown with Oakland is only 13 days away.

27. Detroit Lions 0-2

Most people hated when Roy Williams said it was “stupid” how close the Lions were to scoring 40 in their 9-6 loss to the Seahawks. I think it was the greatest moment thus far in this young 2006 NFL season.

26. Green Bay Packers 0-2

I never thought I’d see Brett Favre lose two games in a row at Lambeau. Of course, that was 6 years ago when I figured Favre had 2 years left tops.

25. Washington Redskins 0-2

The ‘Skins offense has been atrocious, but you have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Portis is hurt, and Brunell’s been playing the whole year despite dying in Week 15 of last season. How terribly, terribly courageous.

24. Kansas City Chiefs 0-2

Now can people stop projecting partial season numbers over an entire year—as was done when Larry Johnson was predicted to rush for 2000+ yards—or is Chad Pennington actually going to throw for 5000 yards this year?

23. Miami Dolphins 0-2

I think Duante Culpepper is on the take. How he can go from having one of the top three QB seasons of all time in 2004 to what he is today is beyond explanation other than a Columbian drug cartel has kidnapped his daughter and he has to throw games for them so they can win some supplemental income (you know, extra money) to help out with the bills (because everyone knows nobody buys cocaine anymore) until John Matrix can save his daughter by telling Bennett to let off some steam. Sweet movie, man, fucking sweet movie.

22. Buffalo Bills 1-1

21. San Francisco 49ers 1-1

20. New Orleans Saints 2-0

I’m not fucking buying it.

19. Denver Broncos 1-1

18. St. Louis Rams 1-1

Both teams have won disgustingly ugly games and lost to teams they shouldn’t have (St. Louis to San Fran, and Denver to St. Louis, which is the only reason the Rams get the nod over the Broncos).

17. Arizona Cardinals 1-1

They would be higher if they had gone through with plans to name their stadium Pink Taco Stadium.

16. NY Jets 1-1

The Jets have looked as feisty as Suzy Kolber thus far. A shootout with Buffalo looms this week.

15. Carolina Panthers 0-2

“But they haven’t won!” you scream. “I’m scared of Panthers and black people and especially of black people wearing a black panther on their helmets!” my grandmother screams. To both of you I say the Panthers will not drop below 15 until they have 8 losses. They’ve pulled this shit before only to make anyone who has written them off (me) look like an asshole. Besides, Steve Smith hasn’t been in for them yet. Oh, and just a little FYI, put all of the money you and everyone you know has on the Panthers in their rematch with Atlanta. Smith doesn’t let people get away with complimenting him. What do you think he’s going to do to D’Angelo Hall after Hall talked shit when Smith couldn’t even play?

14. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-1

Bill Cowher and Jerry Porter engage in homosexual activity with each other, and it only strengthens the resolve of the team. So there you go, bigots of the world.

13. Dallas Cowboys 1-1

The Cowboys got outmanned by the manliest team in the NFL (Jacksonville) and then beat up on a corpse (Mark Brunell). It’s still too early to tell anything, except that TO vs. Philadelphia will be a non-event, thanks mostly to Bill Parcells smashing “the player’s” broken finger with a hammer if “the player” even thinks of doing anything “player” like.

11. NY Giants 1-1

11. Philadelphia Eagles 1-1

Really, the records should be NY .25-1.75 and Philly 1.75-.25 since Philly killed the Giants for three quarters. Seriously, though, Eli Manning, though not nearly the QB his brother is, has nuts Peyton only dreams about (and we can only hope that Peyton dreams about Eli’s massive sack).

10. Minnesota Vikings 2-0

I don’t know what to say except Brad Childress Mustache Rides better be the next sex scandal to come from this team.

9. Seattle Seahawks 2-0

Thanks a fucking lot, Shaun Alexander. Way to fucking mail it in after getting the big check. Fucking piece of shit has yet to produce anything for the Battered Roast Beefs (my fantasy team) or the Seahawks. And yet both teams are still 2-0. I somehow don’t see that lasting unless Shaun gets his act together.

8. New England Patriots 2-0

Sure, they barely beat two inferior teams, but those inferior teams were divisional opponents, who I’m told are the best kind of opponents. The Patriots never blow people out anyway.

5. Baltimore Ravens 2-0

5. Chicago Bears 2-0

5. San Diego Chargers 2-0

All three of these teams have blown out each of their first two opponents. It must be noted, however, that all of these teams’ opponents came from a pool including Oakland, Tennessee, Detroit, and Green Bay. I’m not saying these teams aren’t as good as they’ve been, but I am saying that it’s much more likely that they’re not.

4. Cincinnati Bengals 2-0

Chad Johnson is the most entertaining man playing sports today. I have no joke or anything. Just fact on this one.

3. Indianapolis Colts 2-0

Reggie Wayne + Marvin Harrison +Peyton Manning – Edgerrin James = 5000 yards passing for Peyton, who will then, if early season projections are correct, finish just behind Chad Pennington for the passing title.

2. Atlanta Falcons 2-0

The Falcons are the Bizarro Colts as Michael Vick will become the first quarterback to ever run for more yards than he passes for.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-0

I know I said in my Monday Night log that I wouldn’t make knee-jerk reaction about the Jags, but facts are facts: they’re the only 2-0 team to beat two quality opponents, which means they’re the only team to beat two quality opponents since if you’re not a 2-0 team, you didn’t beat any two opponents, regardless of quality. And with that moment of clarity, I bid you a fucking adieu.

With this knowledge in hand, the Oakland Raiders select Luke Getsy (Akron) number one overall...

With Byron Leftwich taking on Ben Rothlesberger last night on Monday Night Football, it came to my attention that this was the second week in a row that two former MAC quarterbacks were starting on national TV. That got me wondering about just how many starting QBs are from the MAC compared to other conferences. The results of my work will shock you, they will disturb you, and they will almost definitely arouse you. Enjoy.

(Please note: I counted each school into the conference they were in when said player was still enrolled. For example, when Michael Vick was at Virginia Tech, the Hokies were in the Big East; therefore, Vick counts as a starter for the Big East. Also, I discounted injury, such as Trent Green’s. I consider a starter the man that a team ideally wants to be playing.)

MAC (5)

Duante Culpepper (Central Florida)

Chad Pennington (Marshall)

Charlie Frye (Akron)

Ben Rothlesberger (Miami of Ohio)

Byron Leftwich (Marshall)

That’s right, sucka ducks, the MAC reigns supreme in producing starting quarterbacks for the NFL. Not only that, but Marshall is the only school to have two starters in the NFL. These guys have been pretty successful, too, with Rothlesberger winning a Super Bowl and playing in two conference title games, Culpepper playing in a conference title game, Pennington twice making it to the second round of the playoffs (and should have beaten Rothlesberger’s Steelers his last time there if Doug Brien could make a field goal), and Leftwich getting his first taste of the postseason last year. As for Frye, his future is very much in the air, especially if he can’t get an offensive line or offensive coordinator to help him out.

PAC-10 (4)

Carson Palmer (USC)

Jake Plummer (Arizona St.)

Drew Bledsoe (Washington St.)

Mark Brunell (Washington)

This is a solid group of QBs. Palmer is probably in line for 3-4 years of Hall of Fame quarterback play, and should be to at least one conference championship game (if not a Super Bowl). Bledsoe and Brunell are solid pros at the end of the line, with Bledsoe making a Super Bowl start and Brunell starting two AFC title games. And Jake Plummer is Jake Plummer. The PAC-10 will probably take the lead next year when Matt Leinert steps in for Kurt Warner in Arizona and if Andrew Walter (Arizona State) can show something for the Raiders while Aaron Brooks is out with an injury.

Big East (4)

Donovan McNabb (Syracuse)

Michael Vick (Virginia Tech)

Marc Bulger (West Virginia)

Matt Hasselback (Boston College)

If I were to move Vick to the bottom of the list, this would be the Oreo conference.

Big Ten (4)

Tom Brady (Michigan)

Kerry Collins (Penn State)

Trent Green (Indiana)

Drew Brees (Purdue)

I was as shocked as you that Trent Green went to Indiana. I can only hope that he ran the same offense that Antwan Randall-El ran. This will go down to three within the next two weeks when Collins is replaced by Vince Young, which will give the Big 12 a much needed boost.

SEC (3)

Peyton Manning (Tennessee)

Eli Manning (Ole Miss)

Rex Grossman (Florida)

With his 4 touchdown passes last week, Grossman matched the previous NFL career TD mark of all ex-Gator QBs combined. Congrats, Rex.

ACC (3)

Aaron Brooks (Virginia)

Phillip Rivers (NC State)

Brad Johnson (Florida State)

Did Aaron Brooks actually play quarterback at Virginia, or was he converted from safety upon being drafted?

Non-Division I Schools (3)

Steve McNair (Alcorn State)

Jon Kitna (Central Washington)

Kurt Warner (Northern Iowa)

How great is it that starters from non-DI schools have as many Super Bowl starts (3; Warner 2, McNair 1) as the ACC, SEC, and PAC-10 combined (Bledsoe)? Is it even greater that there are more starters from I-AA schools than there are from the Big 12? (Pssst! Yes it is. Yes it is.)

Conference USA (2)

J.P. Losman (Tulane)

Brett Favre (Southern Miss)

To be honest, I don’t think the C-USA existed when Favre played, so this might only be one, but what a one to have! J.P. Losman is number one!

Sun Belt (1)

Jake Delhomme (Louisiana-Lafayette)

I wish he had gone to a C-USA school. Delhomme, Favre, and Losman could’ve been the 21^st century’s answer to Sellick, Danson, and Guttenberg in Three Men and A Baby.

Big 12 (1)

Chris Simms (Texas)

If Simms keeps playing like he’s been through two games (0 TDs, 6 picks), the MAC’s going to have another starter in Bruce Gardowski (Toledo). Although, in a perfect world, Major Applewhite would be Simms backup.

WAC (1)

David Carr (Fresno State)

Shockingly, there were two starters from Fresno State last year (Trent Dilfer).

Mountain West (1)

Alex Smith (Utah)

Alex Smith is the only number one draft pick I have never even seen a highlight of, pro or college, which is the only thing holding me back from calling him one of the worst number one picks ever.

Monday Night 9-18-06: Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

Pregame

• In his Nutrisystem weight loss commercial, why does Dan Marino throw like my step-dad, who’s had a torn rotator cuff since he was 18? Was the weight he lost the ligament that bends his elbow when he throws? Or was it the part of the brain that manifests pride? Sellout.
• Why do people care that TO is hurt? Haven’t they watched a Cowboys game? The offense is designed to spread the ball around, with Drew Bledsoe’s old Boston girlfriend Terry “She” Glenn being the favored target. Complete over saturation of Owens, and, for once, it’s not his own doing.
• Jim Mora, Jr. must’ve finally given up on the idea of Michael Vick as a traditional QB and decided to have the first professional option offense since polio was threatening the youth of America’s health. And, shockingly, it might actually work.
• Don’t you wish Tom Jackson would ask Michael Irvin if he’s retarded every time Irvin talks? For now, Jackson just laughs at Irvin like you or I would laugh anytime a retard talks.
• Why is Chris Mortensen never allowed to sit at the cool semi-circle table with the rest of the crew? Even when they’re in the studio, Mort’s off in a corner with a computer behind him, implying that he can’t be away from it in case a hot news item comes in. But if he has ESPN Mobile (which I’m sure he does), why does he need to be at the computer? Maybe he’s the guy who sends out the updates. Or perhaps he’s just an asshole.
• George Seifert didn’t win any of his Monday Night games with the Panthers? I’m shocked.
• Berman just mentioned how Deion Branch won the Super Bowl MVP in Jacksonville and how he is now a Seahawk. If anyone had asked me, I could have told you that Branch would be gone from the first moments it became an issue. I was amazed that no one brought up Belichick’s handling of Bernie Kosar in Cleveland in regards to Branch. Back in ’93, Belichick shocked Cleveland by cutting Kosar, citing Bernie’s “diminishing skills” (and, hence, the name of a blog is born). Even more shocking was that Bernie’s replacement, Vinny Testeverde, had just broken his ankle, forcing the Browns to start my favorite and yours, Todd Philcox. But Belichick was resolute in his decision, just as he was with Branch. New England’s offensive struggles against Buffalo in week one only hastened the move, as the media determined that the Patriots would have to give in to Branch’s demands, forgetting that Belichick loves to give the finger to the media and any semblance of conventional thinking. And you know what? It was the right move. Branch is getting way too much money now, and the Pats got a 1^st rounder, which should turn into a good player, given New England’s recent draft history. As a side note, I heard Joe Theisman this morning on Mike & Mike commenting on the Patriots game yesterday, saying that without Branch, New England lacks an outside burner. Joe, Branch never was an outside burner! He is a precise route runner with excellent hands. He’s a tremendous possession receiver, but the big plays in New England’s offense over the years have come from David Patten, David Givens, and (possibly) Bethel Johnson. Besides, Chad Jackson looked pretty good to me.
• Michelle Tafoya seems vaguely Asian. Or perhaps Native American. Hmmm.
• Sal Palintonio has never smiled. Ever. What a pro.
• Thank God! I’m extremely excited to see Tony, Joe, and Mike playing golf. I’m so excited, I’m actually rewinding my Tivo just to see the teaser about it again.
• My respect for Byron Leftwitch has grown exponentially. Not only did he boo Joe Theisman as a kid, but he told him about it.
• Suzy Kolber is looking feisty tonight; her eyes are squinty, as always, but she still doesn’t look as Asian as Michelle Tafoya.
• For the second straight week, MAC QBs are starting on national TV. Eventually, I’m gonna look up the ratio of MAC starting QBs versus the major conferences. I will not be shocked if the MAC favors quite well.
• “Michael’s Playmakers” is the worst segment about football that does not involve Shannon Sharpe, especially (or perhaps because of) Irvin’s terrible first person voice over. Here’s one for ya, Mike: “I’m Tom Jackson, and Michael Irvin is retarded.”
• My buddy Matt just teased Jacksonville +9 and the under at 43 for as much as I make in 2 weeks. We’ll keep a close eye on that.
• Ed Werder and Brad Childress: Separated at Birth?
• JACKED UP is so forced, and it really disappoints me that it’s Tom Jackson’s segment. He’s always been the voice of reason of this motley crew (see: Jackson calling Irvin a retard).
• Dwayne Wade just rolled in with Avon Barksdale’s crew. I swear that one dude is Bird.
• Porter and Cowher: Who’s the pitcher and who’s the catcher? My vote is Porter is whatever Cowher wants him to be. These football players are wired differently, almost like soldiers, in that they will do anything for their coach, whether it be droping into coverage, running up and down bleachers, taking a 39 year-old dick in the mouth, whatever.
• I just saw a UFC commercial, and what is George St. Pierre’s fighting style, Muy Tai? “Like dis? LIKE DIS?”
• They just showed a shot of the Jacksonville chapter of the Special People’s Club or whatever waving those Jaguar Tails on the field, and I have to wonder why Irvin wasn’t down there with them.
• The Jaguar mascot just dropped down to the field on a bungee cord, and it has to make you wonder if Owen Hart is under that mask.

First Quarter

• Eva Longoria is a definite upgrade over Arnold to open the show. This is how hot she is: I’ve seen so much of her that everything in me tells me to hate her, and yet I keep hoping for a Desperate Housewives commercial just to see her in that little white dress she’s wearing. Mmmmm.
• Good idea moving Kornheiser away from the middle of the booth. He looked like a cancer patient between Theisman and Terico.
• Rothlesberger’s motorcycle accident was bad luck? I thought it was just stupidity.
• This is the first time I’ve ever seen Jack Del Rio. It looks like he just got his ass kicked, but who’s kicking that guy’s ass? Answer: David Ackers.
• Big Ben’s temperature is 104? What’s he got now, typhoid? Now that would be bad luck.
• Robert Ferguson is getting mad love from GMC. Mad love.
• I think Theisman wants to fight Kornheiser about who’s day it was when appendectomies took 6 weeks to recover from as opposed to the modern recovery time of one week.
• Jeff Hartings’s nickname is Papa Smurf. If he wasn’t a Steeler, I’d like it. As it is, though, Jeff Hartings can suck a blue dick.
• Mike Peterson, introducing the Jags D: “Our linebackers will hit you and our corners will cover you.” On the first play following this, Craig Wilson wasn’t covered, but Brian Williams sure as hell hit him. Fourth down. This is gonna be a slobber knocker.
• Cowher had to check with Porter to see if he could challenge. I guess Porter changed his mind.
• Kornheiser on Cowher rescinding his challenge: “Cowher didn’t throw it far enough? You have to throw it 30 feet? Do you have to physically pick it up?” Fantastic stuff.
• Why does Porter have to do Chapelle’s Howard Dean bit? I want to like it, but, well, see Jeff Hartings.
• Theisman just asked if Dean lost. Holy shit.
• Reggie Williams wears his helmet awfully low, kind of like a motorcycle helmet. Is he trying to show up Rothlesberger?
• Ulti-mo doesn’t really work with football and Byron Leftwitch’s throwing motion. I saw it on Sunday Night Baseball, though, and you haven’t seen a swing until you see it in Ulti-mo. Fucking sweet.
• I like the Jaguars’ cheerleaders’ uniforms. They’re revealing, but not too revealing. They leave exactly enough to the imagination.
• Theisman: “The Steelers just ran a Dick LaBeau blitz up the middle.” Porter’s going to run a Dick LaBeau blitz on Cowher if the Steelers win.
• The entire skyline of Jacksonville looks like an airport.
• Way too much info with the diagrams of the appendectomy. It is interesting, however, that Joey Porter drew them with Bill Cowher as his model.
• Theisman: “You run the ball to give Ben a bit of a blow.” Cowher can only give Ben a blow if Porter can watch.
• 2^nd Steelers possession: Brian Williams covers and hits Hines Ward to bring up fourth down. Peterson knows his D, that’s for sure.
• Anybody know what song that is on the Budweiser commercial? It sounds like Q-Tip, but it could be McGoo since Q-Tip hasn’t had a song since that one that everybody liked but no one can remember.
• One quarter down: 0-0. Matt’s money’s looking safe.

Second Quarter

• Good advice from Theisman: Avoid 3^rd and 15 or longer. Jacksonville might want to take that one to heart. (But the Steelers are apparently such a juggernaut that the same situation won’t even slow them down. I swear, Theisman doesn’t know dick about shit, or maybe it’s shit about dick. Whichever.)
• I want to play Madden with Chad Johnson. EA should make that a contest or sweepstakes or whatever. Hell, I’d enter.
• The girl with the sign stating “No appendix? No problem for Big Ben” or something like that should have made a sign stating “No helmet? What a fucking idiot.”
• I don’t think anyone’s going to be able to run until the 4^th quarter. These defenses are smothering.
• Kornheiser agrees with Matt! “Bet the under.”
• Nate Washington got JACKED UP by Donnovan Darius. Unfortunately, the play was flagged under rule 15.3 section a: “Receivers and quarterbacks are pussies; therefore, never touch them. EVER.”
• Nice screen to Taylor. You have to run the screen against the zone blitz, since 2 or 3 down lineman will be dropping into zone coverage with zones rarely near the flat. You still have to have the skill to make something of it, though, and Taylor clearly does. (Dammit. My point just went out the window as Jacksonville got called for holding.)
• I’d punt it on 4^th down. Jacksonville can shift field position (they’ve started on the 16, 16, and 18). I love that Kornheiser just called Theisman out after the Jags only tried to draw the Steelers offsides while Theisman thought they were going to run a play. I also love that the Jags took the penalty. It gives the punter more room, and saves a timeout. Nine out of ten coaches would’ve called timeout before the play clock ran down.
• If the Steelers win, how much do you want to bet that some expert will compare Rothlesberger playing to Jordan in the flu game? Seriously, it will happen, and we will all agree that said expert is a fucking idiot.
• Deuce Staley may be inactive, but the Steelers still have a “deuce” up their sleeve. (Najeh Davenport once shit in a woman’s garbage can or closet or both when with the Packers. Ha.)
• Chad Owens, the Jacksonville punt returner, got JACKED UP by his own teammate and is now hurt. Now that’s bad luck.
• Wouldn’t you rather see Subway run the Happy Gilmore ad than those Jon Lovitz ones? I know I would.
• Theisman has more sound advice for the Jaguars before the half: “Don’t commit a penalty that will give Pittsburgh an automatic first down.” Top-notch analysis, top-notch.
• Kornheiser was describing how a game like this needs to be played in the snow and Theisman added “With breath coming out of their mouths.” Apparently, breath doesn’t come out of your mouth when it is warm out.
• End of half: 0-0. Matt’s booking trips.

Second Half

• End of 3^rd quarter: Jax 3- Pitt 0. Matt’s going to Red Lobster. Not a lot happening here, and if there is, I’m too tired to notice.
• Mathis picks off Big Ben. 4:53 left. Game. Maybe Tommy Maddox is still playing, if only in spirit.
• Mathis picks off Big Ben. 1:44 left. Game. Maybe Tommy Maddox is still playing, if only in spirit.
• Well, going along with the absurd knee-jerk reaction that is sure to follow this game, Jacksonville is a Super Bowl contender and Pittsburgh should be worried. Poppy-cock. The only teams we actually know anything about are Oakland (they blow) and Washington (they need a quarterback). Otherwise, the season is still young. What we do actually know is that Jacksonville owns Pittsburgh. I hope they meet in the playoffs so Big Ben can shit his appendix out. Oh, and Porter is still going to lay some pipe to the Chin. Peace.

Monday Night Football 9/18/06

I'm going to try to keep a running log of the game, ala Bill Simmons, and try to be informative and entertaining for y'all haters, so check back later for that. As for a prediction, Pittsburgh in a tight one over Jacksonville, and it'll come off some fluke play that the Steelers always make, something like Casey Hampton getting an interception or something. It's gonna be physical, and possibly boring if you don't like good licks and other stereotypical things that Theismann will point out tonight. I do know it can't possibly be as entertaining as last year, when Tom Maddox just dropped the ball (and I mean literally dropped it, no one touched him) when the Steelers were in field goal range at the end of regulation and then threw the game-ending pick in overtime. I miss Tommy already. Be back later.