So who do I cheer for now?

The Cavs are no longer in the playoffs, as you may have heard, but I still have a playoff beard, so I have to cheer for somebody.  So the question is, which of the four remaining teams do I cheer for?  Here's a quick countdown from "If they win, I'm slitting my wrists" to "I might have even cheered for them against the Cavs".


4 (But it might as well be 4,000,000,000,000 since I would never, EVER cheer for them). Orlando Magic  I hate Orlando and its family-friendly theme parks; I hate Stan Van Gundy and his weasel-voice; I hate Dwight Howard and his smiles and his whining and his body-type (his shoulders are a little too square for my tastes); I hate Vince Carter and his pussiness and his railroading of Toronto and his lack of balls and his inability to be what we all thought he would be after the 2000 dunk contest; I hate Rashard Lewis and his contract that will pay him 19, 21, and 22 million dollars; I actually don't mind Jameer Nelson, but he gets my scorn due to proxy.

3. Los Angeles Lakers  Cheering for Kobe Bryant is like cheering for Alex Rodriguez:  kind of lame.  Ron Artest has disappointed thus far this postseason by not completely losing his mind (there's still time, so fingers crossed!), and Pau Gasol has gone from being underrated to being vastly overrated (I have heard him described more than once as a future Hall-of-Famer, which is so ridiculous I can't even come up with a good analogy here).  Derek Fisher is terrible for 98 percent of a game, series, season, but annoyingly always hits a three that swings the most important game of the year.  Nobody likes guys like that.  Mostly, though, I am just bored with the Lakers.  Haven't we seen them enough already?

2. Boston Celtics  This may be surprising, considering what has just transpired, but I don't blame them.  The Celts played great, hard, clean basketball and beat a team that didn't really care or got scared or choked or just wasn't as good as we thought or any combination of the previous.  I don't blame the Celtics for what happened, and actually respect them for playing their asses off.  If they won the title, it would be a pretty amazing testament to how much chemistry and heart matter in basketball.


1. Phoenix Suns  As a mentioned in the intro, I almost would have cheered for them over the Cavs if the two teams were to have met Finals (which they obviously won't).  They are the anti-Magic.  Steve Nash is one of the five most likable guys in the NBA (along with Dirk, Big Z, Kevin Durant, and Joakim Noah*), and this picture is too awesome to deny.  Grant Hill is perhaps the classiest player of his generation, and has inexplicably re-invented himself as a defensive stopper.  Amare Stoudamire has done the unthinkable and curbed his offensive  aggression as needed in his contract year, while Jason Richardson is playing every playoff series like he's back in Oakland and the 2007 Mavericks were coming to town every night.  When you add in a bench that includes Jared Dudley, Leandro Barabosa, and Channing Frye (who shoots 3s like Wes Person now) and the return of goofball and defensive anchor Robin Lopez, you have a team that anyone not from Boston, LA, or Orlando can (and should) love.  The power of the playoff beard has been passed onto you, Phoenix.  I hope you enjoy the inevitable back-breaking, franchise-wrecking series loss you are about to endure.

*Of course I'm joking.  I actually am having hard time pinning down a fifth likable guy.  Leave your suggestions in the comments, if you want. 

What is wrong with LeBron James?

We are all Witnesses, except this postseason, instead of transcendent play by our MVP, we are witnessing the lowest point of LeBron James's professional career (which, for all intents and purposes, began when he was sophomore in high school).  You all know what has happened in the past week or so, but why has it happened?  Here are a few theories:

1. His arm is barely hanging on.  If the name "Tommy John" is uttered in connection with LeBron this off-season, then we can all admire how amazing it was he was playing at all.

2. He was due for a rough stretch.  According to LeBron following last night's game, "(He) spoil(s) a lot of people with my play. When you have 3 bad games in a 7-year career, it is easy to point that out."  The odds alone say he was due for at least one stinker after having only THREE in SEVEN YEARS!!!  It's just unfortunate that it came during the biggest game of the season.  While we're quoting LeBron's post-game comments, can we all agree that his demeanor is bizarre, if not offensive?  Why is he so nonchalant, why isn't he pissed (did you hear Kevin Garnett?  He is already fired up for Game 6, calling it the Celtics' Game 7, and still calling the Cavs the best team in the NBA when they clearly aren't.  That's called RESPECT FOR YOUR OPPONENT, LEBRON!!!), and why is he such an ass about "spoiling people?"  Maybe...

3. He's on mescaline.  "Did you say mescaline?"  "Indeed I did."   

4. He's trying to get Mike Brown fired.  I've always liked Mike Brown, and have always thought he gets a bad rap, but if LeBron wants him gone, that means he wants to stay--albeit with a new coach--and if the choice is Mike Brown or six more years of LeBron, then don't let the door hit you in the ass, Mikey.  In all seriousness, this theory actually might have something to it, considering John Calipari and the agent he shares with LeBron were sitting courtside just days after rumors circulated that Calipari is LeBron's dream coach.  I hope it's this one, because the alternative is...

5. He can't wait to get out of Cleveland.  This is the most likely scenario, and the most fitting for a sports town that is getting almost too depressing to care about anymore.  

All this said, though, I still think the Cavs win in 7*.






*And then get swept by the Magic.  
   

Mike Brown is pot high

Well, at least this is finally exorcised. *

*Or not.  Fuck that guy.  And poor Craig Ehlo.  I'm still convinced Jordan kicked him in the face when they show MJ's celebration from the angle they always show it from.

Finally, the Cavs beat the Bulls in the playoffs.  That's one monkey off their backs; up next, the Boston Celtics, who the Cavs have actually beaten in the playoffs (essentially ending Larry Bird's career with a 122-104 blowout of the C's in Game 7 of the 1992 Eastern Conference semis).  Before we get to that scintillating showdown, however, I just wanted to reflect on some miscellaneous thoughts about the series that just was:

Oklahoma City 110 Los Angeles Lakers 89

Thank you, OKC, for reminding me how rough things could be for my beloved Cavaliers.  Sure, they lost to the Bulls by 2 on the road, but the Lakers got smoked.  That score doesn't really indicate how bad this game was. 

The starters for both teams were pulled for the fourth quarter, which is insane to see in a playoff game.  I'm sure it's happened in 1 vs. 8 blowouts before, but I seriously doubt it was the 8-seed blowing out the 1-seed in any of those other games.

Kobe Bryant, who was actually in the conversation for best player in the league at some point in his overrated career, put up a whopping 12 points and didn't play a minute in the fourth.  How does a "killer" like "Black Mamba" (which he totally ripped off from Kill Bill 2 and never credited, which is fucking low, Kobe) let this happen?  Isn't he the most competitive player in the league?

Of course, it's not like he had much help.  Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum led the Lakers with 13, but Gasol was terrible, grabbing only 4 rebounds.  The Lakers as a whole gave a pathetic effort in the rebound department (not to mention every other department of the game), as evidenced most egregiously by a series in the 3rd quarter where Russell Westbrook took and missed a poorly conceived pull-up jumper, chased down his own rebound ALL THE WAY ON THE BASELINE, AFTER IT HIT THE FLOOR (!!!), and passed to Nenad Krstic (who converted a 3-point play).

I know I lambasted the Cavs for their performance in Game 3 on Thursday night, but at least they had enough heart to fight back from a 21-point deficit in the 3rd and put themselves in position to win the game.  The Lakers just rolled over, and I can only hope that the Thunder win Game 5 in LA and really put the pressure on.  We'll see how much "heart of a champion" is left in Kobe and the gang, or if they're the soft cowards they looked like in OKC on Saturday night.      

NBA Playoffs Update: Round One Quick Thoughts

As each playoff series shifts venues, I thought it would be a good time to look back on what transpired in the first two games and to look forward to what to expect in the lower seeds' home arenas.  For those of you wondering when I'm going to get back to my Season In Review series, I can only say in good time.  With the playoffs starting and the NFL draft going down, I felt there were more pressing issues at hand.  Also, I'm growing a playoff beard for the Cavs, but it's not quite ready to be revealed to the world.  Maybe it will be after they finish off the Bulls, so look forward to that!

NBA Playoff Preview: Western Conference

While the Eastern Conference is looking like it's going to be chalk throughout each of the first round matchups, the West projects to be a bit more interesting.  With each team winning at least 50 games during the regular season, this year's field ranks as one of the deepest in league history, and should provide tight, prolonged series across the board.

NBA Playoff Preview: Eastern Conference

With the playoff matchups finally set, I figured I would take a break from my Season in Review series and give a quick rundown on what to expect in the first round.  Today, the Eastern Conference.

NCAA Explosion!!!!!

With the 2007-08 College Football Bowl Season a little more than a week away, it is time once again to pound your head against the wall while you watch 2-3 weeks of meaningless football before getting to the only game that matters, a wait that is only worsened by the fact that you spent nearly two weeks watching no football at all (since there wasn’t any on). We all know the system currently in place is fucked, and numerous people have presented alternatives (the best being the Crystal Bowl, which this is loosely based on and is unfortunately no longer online). The problem with these alternatives is that they don’t do enough for me. Sure, a playoff would be sweet, but there would still be problems. Therefore, I present the follow completely-unrealistic-yet-totally-sane solution to the BCS Problem. Yes, there is a playoff, but before that can happen, this must happen...

A COMPLETE CONFERENCE OVERHAUL

The key to any system reboot of college football must begin with making sure every conference has a championship game. In order for this to become a reality, however, the composition of many of the conferences must be shaken up. While this may upset some hardcore purists, let me just say that by creating conferences that can all support a championship game the integrity and importance of the conference regular seasons will be maintained and perhaps even strengthened. To begin with, the SEC and Big 12 must remain the same, serving as shining examples of how things are supposed to be done. The rest of the conferences will shake out like this (with new members in italics):

ACC

Atlantic

Clemson

South Florida

Wake Forest

Florida State

Maryland

North Carolina State

Coastal

Virginia Tech

Virginia

Georgia Tech

North Carolina

Miami (FL)

Duke

The ACC was actually alright the way it was, but Boston College just doesn’t make geographic sense, while South Florida definitely does. Boston College then will go to the…

BIG EAST

East

Boston College

Connecticut

Rutgers

Syracuse

Navy

Temple

West

West Virginia

Louisville

Cincinnati

Pittsburgh

Marshall

Buffalo

See, doesn’t that feel better? While Boston College strengthens the league, Navy, Temple, Marshall, and Buffalo weaken it (although it has always been a pretty top-heavy league anyway). But the league roster must number 12, and since geography obviously is important to me, these must be the teams. It does add some intriguing turf wars, though, with Marshall-West Virginia, Temple-Rutgers, and Syracuse-Buffalo.

BIG TEN

North

Michigan

Wisconsin

Michigan State

Purdue

Notre Dame

Minnesota

South

Ohio State

Illinois

Penn State

Iowa

Indiana

Northwestern

This is the conference that gave me the most trouble. Although I only added one team, it is the biggie that everyone knows should be in the Big Ten, but never will be. Beyond the sweet deal Notre Dame has with NBC, they also have rivalries with teams all over the country, and joining the Big Ten would put an end to most of them (at least on their current yearly basis). The bigger concern, however, is whether or not to put Michigan and Ohio State in the same division. On the one hand, it would be awesome to have them facing off in the conference championship game every year. It would not be so awesome, however, if they played that game one week after they just met in their annual regular season finale match-up. By putting them in the same division, that game could still happen without the risk of a repeat the next week. I’ll leave them in separate divisions for now, but am totally on the fence.

CONFERENCE USA

East

UCF

East Carolina

Memphis

Southern Miss

Tulane

UAB

West

Tulsa

Houston

TCU

Rice

UTEP

SMU

Only a minor shakeup will be required here, with TCU returning to the C-USA to take the place of the departed Marshall and Tulane moving to the East Division for geography and balance’s sake.

MAC

East

Bowling Green

Miami (OH)

Army

Ohio

Eastern Michigan

Akron

Kent State

West

Central Michigan

Ball State

Western Michigan

Middle Tennessee

Toledo

Northern Illinois

Army comes in to replace Buffalo as the token shitty New York team, while Middle Tennessee plays the southern oddball role filled earlier by Central Florida. Neither of these teams makes a whole lot of sense here, but somebody had to replace the departed Temple and Buffalo.

PAC 10

North

Oregon State

Oregon

Boise State

Washington State

Stanford

Washington

South

USC

Arizona State

UCLA

Arizona

California

Fresno State

I really like how this conference shakes out. Boise State can definitely hang with the Oregons and Washingtons, while Fresno State can always get hot again like they were a few years ago. Both schools seem to fit in both style and geography.

SUN BELT

East

Florida Atlantic

Troy

Florida International

Western Kentucky

West

Louisiana-Monroe

Louisiana Tech

Louisiana-Lafayette

Arkansas State

North Texas

Being at the bottom of the conference barrel, the Sun Belt is the only conference with fewer than 12 teams and unbalanced divisions. Perhaps some other D-II or whatever the hell it’s called now teams will step into the conference as Western Kentucky will in a year or so. Louisiana Tech returns from the West to see familiar faces in Monroe and Lafayette. All in all, who really cares?

MOUNTAIN WEST ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (MWAC)

Coastal

Hawaii

Nevada

UNLV

San Jose State

Utah State

New Mexico State

San Diego State

Mountain

BYU

Air Force

Utah

New Mexico

Idaho

Wyoming

Colorado State

The former Mountain West and WAC re-combine forces to form the largest conference in the country. While the re-shuffling deprives the conference of mid-major powers TCU, Boise State, and Fresno State, the payoff of the new conference championship game is worth it. You see, under the new rules…

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS GET AUTOMATIC PLAYOFF BIDS…

…while there will also be six at-large bids determined by BCS rank. See what I meant about the conference schedule still mattering? Getting into the conference championship is akin to getting into the first round of the playoffs, since most teams will have to win their conference to assure a spot among the sixteen team national playoff field. Let’s just go through what this year’s conference title games would look like and see how much each match-up would mean to each team (the number indicates BCS rank, while CAPS signals my projected [or the actual] winner).

ACC: 15 Clemson vs. 3 VIRGINIA TECH

Virginia Tech would probably still have a shot at an at-large berth following a loss, while Clemson would absolutely have to win.

BIG 12: 6 Missouri vs. 4 OKLAHOMA

We’ve already seen how this plays out, with both teams still securing playoff berths.

BIG EAST: 14 Boston College vs. 9 WEST VIRGINIA

Both teams would be playing for their playoff lives due to the relative weakness of the Big East.

BIG TEN: Michigan vs. 1 OHIO STATE

Michigan would obviously need to win while Ohio State would probably not fall out of the top 10 with a loss (despite their weak schedule).

CONFERENCE USA: CENTRAL FLORIDA vs. Tulsa

MAC: Bowling Green vs. CENTRAL MICHIGAN

SUN BELT: FLORIDA ATLANTIC vs. Louisiana-Monroe

Obviously all three of these games would be do-or-die.

PAC 10: Oregon State vs. 7 SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

This game would be a must win for both teams since USC would have three losses after a defeat here.

SEC: 16 Tennessee vs. 2 LOUISIANA STATE

This could possibly be a must win for either team, as well, as LSU would suffer their third “L” with a loss.

MWAC: 10 HAWAII vs. 17 Brigham Young

Here’s yet another win-or-go-to-the-Hawaii-Bowl game, with Hawaii’s consideration for an at-large team resting entirely on their undefeated record. With a loss to BYU, you can kiss that cow goodbye.

After the 10 conference champions have been crowned, the BCS Rankings will then be used to determine…

SIX AT-LARGE TEAMS…

…who will be:

5 Georgia

6 Missouri

8 Kansas

11 Arizona State

12 Florida

And, for all the people who say debate is good for the game, I present your sixth and final at-large team…

13 Illinois

Following a national bye week (which would have been last weekend), these teams will then play a

FIRST ROUND

held at the higher seeds’ home stadium (with the exception that an at-large team cannot host a conference champion, as seen in this season’s Kansas-West Virginia match-up). The bracket will play out as follows (with the numbers being the seed and the CAPS signaling the projected winner):

16 Florida Atlantic @ 1 OHIO STATE

8 Kansas @ 9 WEST VIRGINIA

Ohio State should be prepared for a home laugher after already hosting Youngstown State, Akron, and Kent State earlier in the season. Kansas versus West Virginia has the makings of a shootout.

13 Illinois @ 4 OKLAHOMA

12 Arizona State @ 5 GEORGIA

Both Illinois and Arizona State have the weapons to cause some teams trouble; unfortunately, neither Oklahoma nor Georgia falls under that category.

11 FLORIDA @ 6 Missouri

14 Central Michigan @ 3 VIRGINIA TECH

Florida should win another shootout involving a Big 12 school versus Mizzou, while Va Tech rolls Central Michigan.

10 Hawaii @ 7 SOUTHERN CAL

15 Central Florida @ 2 LOUISIANA STATE

People expecting a shoot out between USC and Hawaii will be gravely disappointed, as will anyone expecting Central Florida to be in the game past half time.

The next week will kick off…

BOWL SEASON…

which will start off by building up to the playoff games with lesser bowls. Now a loud argument against a playoff system has been that it will render the bowl system meaningless. In order to test this theory, I will now present each bowl match-up with and without a playoff and you tell me how much more meaningless the bowls become (and, just for kicks, I’ve put my picks to win in CAPS and an * next to the actual bowl game and a + next to the game that I feel would be more exciting).

NON-PLAYOFF BOWLS

Poinsettia Bowl: UTAH vs. Navy

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

New Orleans Bowl: MEMPHIS vs. Florida Atlantic *

Memphis vs. TROY +

Papa Johns.com Bowl: Southern Miss vs. CINCINNATI

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

New Mexico Bowl: NEVADA vs. New Mexico*+

Ball State vs. NEW MEXICO

Las Vegas Bowl: UCLA vs. BRIGHAM YOUNG

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff (and BYU will win)

Hawaii Bowl: BOISE STATE vs. East Carolina*

FRESNO STATE vs. East Carolina

This game’s about a wash in excitement level between the actual and imaginary match ups.

Motor City Bowl: PURDUE vs. Central Michigan*+

PURDUE vs. Bowling Green

Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. TEXAS*+

Oregon State vs. TEXAS

Champs Sports Bowl: BOSTON COLLEGE vs. Michigan State

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Texas Bowl: TCU vs. Houston*+

TCU vs. Nevada

This match-up would change because TCU and Houston would now both be in the C-USA.

Emerald Bowl: Maryland vs. OREGON STATE*

Maryland vs. BOISE STATE+

Meineke Car Care Bowl: CONNECTICUT vs. Wake Forest

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Liberty Bowl: CENTRAL FLORIDA vs. Mississippi State*+

TULSA vs. Mississippi State

Alamo Bowl: PENN STATE vs. Texas A&M

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Independence Bowl: ALABAMA vs. Colorado

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Armed Forces Bowl: CALIFORNIA vs. Air Force

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Humanitarian Bowl: GEORGIA TECH vs. Fresno State*

GEORGIA TECH vs. Indiana+

Sun Bowl: SOUTH FLORIDA vs. Oregon

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Music City Bowl: KENTUCKY vs. Florida State

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Insight Bowl: Indiana vs. OKLAHOMA STATE*

WISCONSIN vs. Oklahoma State+

Chick-fil-A Bowl: AUBURN vs. Clemson

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

Outback Bowl: Wisconsin vs. TENNESSEE*

Michigan vs. TENNESSEE+

Gator Bowl: Texas Tech vs. VIRGINIA

This match-up remains the same even with a playoff

International Bowl: RUTGERS vs. Ball State*

RUTGERS vs. Northwestern+

GMAC Bowl: Bowling Green vs. TULSA*+

Ohio vs. IOWA

The meaningless bowl games remain just as meaningless, with 12 of the games going unchanged and five of the changed games producing more exciting match-ups. Also, three more slots would open for bowl-eligible teams that have gotten passed on this season (Ohio, Iowa, and Northwestern) which will make those university presidents and alumni associations happy. As for the remaining bowl games, they will be used for the…

PLAYOFF BOWLS

with the idea being that the 5 BCS Bowls (plus the national championship game) and two relatively major bowls will be used to host the remaining playoff games. For this exercise, I chose to add in the Capital One Bowl and the Cotton Bowl. Both usually host marquee match-ups, and are located in markets that could handle a major bowl (Orlando and Dallas). Where each match-up is held is up to the bowls on a rotating system. For the quarter finals, the BCS Bowl (or host city, since the actual bowl doesn’t decide the championship anymore) furthest from the last time it hosted the national title game would have first choice for its game. Therefore, Pasadena would select

Rose Bowl: 7 SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA vs. 2 Louisiana State

USC is the natural choice for the Rose Bowl and the Trojans should handle LSU in what amounts to a home game.

The next choice would go to Tempe, who would select

Fiesta Bowl: 1 OHIO STATE vs. 9 West Virginia

Ohio State has a history of traveling well to Tempe, and the Buckeyes will step up and finally beat the spread offense that has vexed them in the Jim Tressel era.

Being the first year they have been involved in the national title picture, Dallas and Orlando would flip a coin, but it doesn’t really matter since the obvious sites are

Cotton Bowl: 4 OKLAHOMA vs. 5 Georgia

Georgia is the better team, but Mike Richt’s teams just have too long a history of choking.

Capital One Bowl: 11 FLORIDA vs. 3 Virginia Tech

LSU already showed what the speed of the SEC can do to the Hokies, and—like Georgia—Va Tech has a history of choking.

The remaining BCS Bowls would make up the semi-finals, with the city not hosting the national title game getting first choice. Therefore, Miami would select

Orange Bowl: 11 Florida vs. 7 SOUTHERN CALIFONIA

USC has the speed on defense to slow down the Gators, while also possessing enough firepower on offense to overpower the Florida defense.

New Orleans would then be left with

Sugar Bowl: 1 OHIO STATE vs. 4 Oklahoma

The Sooners would be heavily favored in this game, which means that they would most likely lose, as Bob Stoops has failed on three previous occasions (’04 Sugar Bowl, ’05 Orange Bowl, and ’07 Fiesta Bowl) to win when favored. Jim Tressel, meanwhile, has proven he can be quite effective as the underdog (’03 Fiesta Bowl), which he would be again in the

National Championship Game: 1 OHIO STATE vs. 7 Southern California

USC is fast, but not Florida-fast, and the Trojans run a conventional offense, which the Buckeyes have proven they can stop. Beanie Wells would grind out a tough game on the ground to give Ohio State the edge in a relatively low-scoring affair. A rivalry would continue from the Woody Hayes days that would continue over the next two seasons (USC and Ohio State start a home-and-home series next year) and, more importantly, Ohio State (or whoever your favorite team is that you would pick to win if you wrote this) would prove without a doubt that they are the best team in the country, which, come January 8, 2008, we will unfortunately still not know.