Dear 2009 MLB Season: END ALREADY!

I'm not just saying that because the Indians are terrible (and will be terrible next season, too).  If I were to rank how interested I am right now in any given sport, baseball would rank behind both tennis and golf (while holding a slight edge over soccer, if only because I can't bring myself to watch a soccer game).  I can't remember a more boring season in any sport ever.  Are the missing steroids the problem?  Maybe.  Just for shits and giggles (like this video, which involves George Brett shitting and you giggling), let's compare the 2009 season to the 1999 season.  While 1999 wasn't necessarily the beginning of the steroid era, it is smack-dab in the middle of its peak, and, besides, it's exactly 10 years ago, which is always a nice round number to use to compare eras.  I've broken things down into different categories, some of which are pretty cut-and-dry (best team, for example) and some which are a little more strange (appeal of the Colorado Rockies, for example).  Enjoy, if you dare.

BEST TEAM

2009: New York Yankees

The best team in baseball right now is the New York Yankees, and if that weren't boring enough, this Yankee team doesn't even have any of the usual craziness or characters that accompanied past good Yankee squads.  Their three best players--Mark Texeria, C.C. Sabathia, and Derek Jeter--are pretty boring guys.  A-Rod used to be interesting, but then he got caught juicing, embraced his douchiness, and became absolutely no fun to hate.  The biggest story I've heard about the team lately is A-Rod's love affair with Kate Hudson, which is something my mom might find interesting, but which I find boring (and annoying).  Have you ever seen Raising Helen?  Orlando Hudson would have been better in the lead.  If the woman responsible for that can liner full of diarrhea even sniffs a cent of the A-Rod/Scott Boras millions, I am going to stage my own tea party protest right on Goldie Hawn's front lawn (feel free to use that Hawn/lawn gem in your next freestyle rap battle vs. the Free World).  

Fun Factor:

1999: Atlanta Braves

Yikes, looks like I picked the wrong category to lead this comparison off with.  The '99 Braves won 103 games behind NL MVP Chipper Jones and the usual awesomeness of their pitching staff (led that season by...Kevin Millwood?)  John Rocker was the closer, but he didn't give his meltdown rant in Sports Illustrated until after the season had ended in December.  A 22-year old Andruw Jones still looked like the next Willie Mays, and Ozzie Guillen was on the roster, but unless some transcripts emerge of his conversations with John Rocker, I don't think he could count as interesting.  Really, this roster was so nondescript that  backup catcher Eddie Perez was named the MVP of the NLCS.  Wow.

 Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 2009

WORST TEAM

2009: Washington Nationals

For the first month or so of the season, it looked like the Nationals may make a run at the '62 Mets record for futility.  That would have been pretty interesting.  Unfortunately, the Nationals traded for Nyjer Morgan, fired Manny Acta, mustered some pride and started playing like your run-of-the-mill bad team.  While there are some interesting pieces on this team (Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn, Morgan), nobody really cares.  If Stephen Strasburg had ended up in the majors this season, things might have gotten interesting again, but his prolonged (and misguided) holdout ruined those plans.

Fun Factor:

1999: Minnesota Twins

For a 63-97 club, the Twins actually had some pretty interesting things going on.  Eric Milton overcame being Eric Milton to throw a no-hitter, Brad Radke was his usual solid self, Ron Coomer led the team in homers with 16 (at the height of the steroid era!) and the core of the early 2000s contender began to appear (Tori Hunter and several others were already on the team).  The most interesting thing about the '99 Twins, though, is most appreciated in hindsight.  Sitting there with zero hits in 20 at-bats is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz. 

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

SURPRISE TEAM

2009: Toss-up between the Texas Rangers and San Francisco Giants

The Rangers and Giants are both on pace to finish in the mid-80s in wins, surprising for two teams expected to finish just barely about 70.  The Rangers have all sorts of factors that could be exciting: Josh Hamilton (on and off the field), Neftali Feliz, Nelson Cruz.  The Giants have no one in their lineup except Pablo Sandoval, but their pitching staff includes arguably the best pitcher in the game in Tim Lincecum and a stable of other young, potentially exciting arms.  So why don't I care?  It could be because despite each of their surprising records, both teams are still pretty much out of the playoff race.  Without any surprise teams in the playoff hunt (I know, I know, the Rockies, but I will get to them in a bit), October just feels like another season of Bones: you don't actually have an opinion on whether it's good or bad, but every promo you see for it makes you wonder who is actually watching.

Fun Factor:

 1999: Cincinnati Reds

 Beyond the 96 wins the Reds amassed in '99, several other numbers may jump out at you, as well.  Catcher Eddie Taubensee hit 21 home runs (the Senate hearings on steroids should have convened as soon as Taubensee's 12th homer cleared the fence).  A year after hitting 50 homers for the Padres, Mo Vaughn's cousin Greg hit 45, establishing himself as one of the game's premier sluggers (he would never again hit more than 28 in a season).  Former Indians Sean Casey and Danny Graves (traded for Dave Burba and John Smiley, respectively) looked like perennial All-Stars, with Casey batting .332 and Graves racking up 8 wins and 27 saves; Graves also combined with NL Rookie of the Year Scott Williamson to lead a shutdown bullpen.  Add in the fact that Jack McKeon was the manager and their shortstop was named Pokey Reese, and you have a surprise team that everyone could love.  Unfortunately, the Reds lost out on a playoff berth by one game, and then blew up the team to acquire Ken Griffey, Jr.

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

BEST PLAYER

2009: Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals

Pujols's numbers on the season so far: .333 average, 1.139 OPS, 47 HR, 127 RBI, 119 R, 14 SB (!).  Those are some pretty amazing stats.  Too bad he does that every season, and always with the same business-like demeanor and lack of anything interesting to say at all.  The day Pujols puts up those number while cursing that damn arch will be the day Pujols finally becomes interesting.

Fun Factor:

1999: Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox

Some people may want to debate this*, but Pedro was unreal in '99.  Besides a regular season that included a 23-4 record, a 2.07 ERA, and 313 Ks, Pedro single-handedly eliminated an Indians team that scored over 1000 runs and scared the hell out of a far superior Yankees team in the ALCS.   

*The '99 AL MVP vote, in fact, is still debated today.  I always thought Manny Ramirez or Robbie Alomar should have won it, but I may be biased.  Most people today think Pedro was the hands down winner, so of course the voters gave it to Pudge Rodriguez.   

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

APPEAL OF THE COLORADO ROCKIES

2009: Winning and Obnoxious

Yes, the Rockies have had an amazing resurgence since their 20-30 start to take the wild card lead, but haven't we seen this before with a team that included Matt Holliday (and was therefore much more interesting)?  I'm sick of Colorado and their stupid stadium and their ugly uniforms and their Christian-based code of conduct.  I'm done with Troy Tulowitzki and Brad Hawpe and even Todd Helton.  I can't wait to see (well, actually, hear about) them get swept by the Yankees in the World Series.

Fun Factor:

1999: Losing and A Blast

This team scored 906 runs, which is to be expected when you have Larry Walker, Dante Bichette, Vinny Castilla, Todd Helton (the fun one who hit 35 home runs every year, not this year's boring version), and Terry Schumpert (.347 average in '99!).  This team also gave up 1028 runs, which is to be expected when your staff ace is Pedro Astacio, free agent prize Daryl Kile's curveball has been flattened by the thin air, and John Thompson and his 1-10 record and 8.04 ERA are regulars in the rotation.  What isn't fun about a team scoring over 900 runs and losing 90 games?

Fun Factor:

 ADVANTAGE: 1999

MONEY BALL

2009: In steep, steep decline

The A's are 67-78 after going 76-86 last season, and I don't think Billy Beane really gives a damn.  His big moves this year were to trade for Matt Holliday (already traded), bring back Jason Giambi (cut), and sign Orlando Cabrerra (traded).  The strength of the club is supposed to be the pitching, but none of the youngsters on the staff seem to be reaching that Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder, Barry Zito (or even Dan Haren, Rich Harden, Joe Blanton) level.  Oakland may be the most boring team in the league.

Fun Factor:

1999: Rising meteorically

Although no one really caught on at the time, '99 was the first glimpse the world got at "Moneyball," by which I mean the shrewdness of Billy Beane.  His A's finished the year at 87-75, still out of the playoffs, but a huge improvement on the previous season's 74-88 campaign.  With a mashing softball lineup built around Jason Giambi (33 HR), John Jaha (35 HR), and Matt Stairs (38 HR), the A's were a blast to watch.  While everyone was paying attention to the season at hand, Beane was slyly building for the future (which would include Eric Chavez and Miguel Tejada, who were both already in the lineup).  The most obvious example of this is Beane's fleecing of the Mets in the Billy Taylor-Jason Isringhausen deal.  While everyone was perplexed about a contending team trading their closer midseason, Beane was ecstatic to get Irsinghausen and Terrence Long for the 38-year old Taylor (who's ERA with the Mets was 8.10).  The rest of the league was put on notice that you did not want to trade with Billy Beane, since he would always get the upper hand. 

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

HOME RUNS

2009: Down, and almost unpopular

Hitting home runs is almost considered a bad thing now.  That the most exciting part of the game is now considered taboo (depending on who is hitting them) is the real tragedy of the steroids era.

Fun Factor:

1999: Up (to an absurd degree) and popular (to a Beatles degree)

Besides Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa hitting over 60 again, here's a fun list of some of the other 45 players who hit over 30 home runs in 1999: Jay Bell (38), Dean Palmer (38), Pudge Rodriguez (35), John Jaha (35), Jose Conseco (34), Barry Bonds (only 34), Fernando Tatis (34), Mike Leiberthal (31), Tony Clark (31), Tony Batista (31).  Isn't it more fun to have all of these guys beating the hell out of the ball?

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

KEN GRIFFEY, JR.

2009: In Seattle, playing his age

Ken Griffey, Jr. sucks.  While it does make me feel a little old, it is nice to see a 90s slugger aging like he's supposed to. 

Fun Factor:

1999: In Seattle, playing like a kid

Besides his .285 average, his 48 home runs, his 24 steals, or his 134 RBI, Griffey was still one of the best centerfielders in the game in '99.  The Seattle team he played on that year was a lot more fun, as well (despite their 78-84 record, the 1999 Mariners still had Griffey, A-Rod, Jay Buhner, and Edgar Martinez, as well as manager Lou Pinella).

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

CLEVELAND INDIANS

2009: 61-84, bad to the point of indifference

You know your hometown team has performed poorly when you reach that point where you don't care about one thing that happens to them.  I've reached that point with the Indians.  Grady Sizemore is out for the year?  Tough break.  Carl Pavano's gone?  He played for us?  Fausto Carmona appears to be a one-year wonder?  Oh well.  At least it was a good year.  This is what happens when you trade your two best players when they're still under contract for the following season, especially when you just did the same thing the year before.  Do the Indians really expect me to wait another 4 years until the next crop of young talent is ready to contend, disappoint, and get traded?  Don't they know I have an Xbox and the Internet?

Fun Factor:

1999: 97-65, awesome to the point of 1009 RUNS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

This team was awesome.  Not 1995 awesome, but close.  Manny Ramirez had 165 RBI.  AIDS-free Robbie Alomar batted .323 with 24 HR, 120 RBI, 37 SB, and 138 R while combining with Omar Vizquel to make up the greatest double-play combo of all-time.  Richie Sexson hit 31 HR, and he wasn't even a starter.  The problem with this team was the pitching, which really came back to bite them in the ass in the playoffs.  While Pedro was shutting down the lineup, the Tribe pitchers were giving up 9.4 runs a game, including 23 in game four (the Indians lost).  The series loss to the Red Sox cost Mike Hargrove his job, and while Juan Gonzalez and Jim Thome would carry the team back to the playoffs in 2001, this was the last great team of the John Hart era.

Fun Factor:

ADVANTAGE: 1999

Add it all up, and 1999 comes out ahead 8-1.  This doesn't mean that 1999 is the best baseball season ever (it definitely isn't); it just means that 2009 is the most boring baseball season ever.