The 2012 NBA Awards (According To A Calculator)

Due to work, school, and my job search, as well as my lack of cable or a League Pass subscription, I have not been able to watch as much basketball as I would have liked this season.  What I have been doing is learning statistical analysis, and the more I learn, the more I respect what the boys over at Wages of Wins are doing.  While I'm not entirely sure they're always watching the games, either, their statistics jive the most with what actually seems to be going on on the floor.  So I present the 2012 NBA Awards, as presented by a calculator.  Enjoy.

2012 NFL Mock Draft

Seven rounds.  253 selections. 6,902 words.  100 percent accuracy.  This is the ultimate in mock drafts, and is a perfect representation of exactly what will go down next week.  I am pretty satisfied with what the Browns are going to do, but maybe you disagree.  Let me know.  For the first three rounds, my pinpoint-accurate analysis follows every pick, while for the last four rounds, I saved my analysis for only the Browns' picks.  Print this off, or load it up on the I-Pad, because this is Gospel, and it deserves to be read on the toilet.  Enjoy.

[EDIT: I accidentally have Oklahoma cornerback Jamell Fleming being selected twice in the third round, first by Washington at 69 and then by Kansas City at 74.  Fixing it would mean re-doing the entire draft after that point, which I simply cannot do.  I feel like I've let you down, but I guess this is what happens when I try to mock every round over the course of two all-night writing session.  Hopefully that's the only mistake, but if there are more, please let me know.]

2012 Cleveland Browns Schedule

The Browns' 2012 schedule is out, and, boy, is it a doozy.  So how bad is going to be?  Let's peek into the crystal ball and find out:

WEEK 1: Philadelphia Eagles 27 Cleveland Browns 13 (0-1)
GM Tom Heckert, head coach Pat Shurmur, and new offensive coordinator Brad Childress all have something to prove against their former employer in Philly, and the mauling laid on Mike Vick by Phil Taylor and Jabaal Sheard nearly makes a Browns victory a reality.  Knocking the former dog-drowner out of the game late in the third quarter while clinging to a 13-10 lead, the Browns' defense promptly goes on to get blitzkrieg-ed by a Mike Kafka-led assault.  On offense, rookie QB Brandon Weeden hits rookie wideout Ryan Tannehill (that's right, fools; H&H changed the game on you!  While everyone else was playing checkers, they were drafting two shitty QB's and moving one back to WR!!!!) for two TDs, but new long snapper Christian Yount bounces his second extra point snap off Phil Dawson's face.  Somewhere, Ryan Pontbriand smiles.

2011-12 NBA Off-season Review/Season Preview

This post will also be appearing at The Hardwood Courtroom (where it is also much prettier).  The Eastern Conference is written by myself (Canaan Christ), while the head man over at the Courtroom, Phil Welsh, covers the Western Conference.  Each team is given an off-season recap, a grade for their off-season, a projected record, and then a haiku to encapsulate a key component or components of the team.  Also, I added my projected records for each Western Conference team in parentheses alongside Phil's.  Enjoy, and have a nice holiday weekend.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

ATLANTA HAWKS

Off-season Recap: The Hawks haven't made a significant off-season addition since trading for Jamal Crawford. The firm belief in Atlanta has been that the core of Al Horford, Joe Johnson, and Josh Smith will eventually develop into a championship contender, with no major additions needed. Marvin Williams is paid like he's part of that core, and his bloated salary forced the Hawks to wave goodbye to Crawford after two very successful seasons in Atlanta. Jeff Teague is being counted on to build on his promising series vs. the Bulls last spring and become the man at point, which he'll have to do considering Tracy McGrady is his lone backup with Kirk Hinrich sidelined following shoulder surgery. Vladimir Radmonivic was also brought in to provide three-point shooting.

Grade: C-

Projected Record: 41-25 (5^th in the East)

Haiku:

Crawford cost too much

Hinrich hurt his shoulder

Teague must be the man

Ranking The Amnesty Moves (so far)

One of the big pieces of the NBA's new collective bargaining agreement was the return of the Amnesty Clause.  Called the Allan Houston Rule the first time it was implemented in 2005, the Amnesty Clause allows teams to use a one-time waiver that removes a player from their roster while also removing the player's salary from the hit against a team's salary cap space (ironically, the Knicks chose not to use the clause on Houston).  While the teams are still responsible for paying the remainder of a waived player's contract, albatross contracts that stymied payroll flexibility could be eliminated in a flash, granting owners and front offices that made crippling mistakes a reprieve.

NBA Transaction Round-Up: 12/12

This isn't every NBA transaction that's happened this past weekend, but just some that I found notable.  After getting burned by the Chris Paul non-trade, I've decided not to analyze a transaction until it's posted on the NBA.com transactions page, which I assume means it's officially gone through the league office.  So, as of this writing, there won't be any thoughts on the David West signing, since it is not listed on the transaction page.

Toronto signs Jamaal Magloire, Aaron Gray, and Rasual Butler

None of these guys are going to make a huge difference, but Gray should at least provide replace some of the big man dirty work the departed Reggie Evans did, sans nut grabs.  That Gray is only getting a one-year deal is a testament to the fact that the NBA owners may finally be showing some restraint, since a seven-footer who showed the flashes of productivity Gray did in the playoffs last year used to be rewarded with 6-year, $30 million deals.  Magloire and Butler are fringe NBA players at this point, although Magloire does provide a little PR bump by becoming the first Canadian to play for the Raptors.

Tyson Chandler, Iman Shumpert, and the Knicks' Commitment to the Four Seed

When Donnie Walsh undertook the epic feat of clearing the blight of the Isiah Thomas Era following his arrival in New York in the spring of 2008, it is doubtful that his ultimate goal was to re-bloat the Knicks' payroll with a collection of flawed "superstars," overburdened young role players, and past-their-prime vets eagerly gobbling up the league minimum salaries that the Knicks offer.  Unfortunately for the Madison Square Garden faithful, that's exactly where the Knicks find themselves following the sign-and-trade for Tyson Chandler and the unceremonious waiving of Chauncey Billups.

NBA Transaction Analysis: 12/9

Los Angeles Lakers acquire Chris Paul; New Orleans Hornets acquire Lamar Odom, Kevin Martin, Luis Scola, and Goran Dragic; Houston Rockets acquire Pau Gasol


For the Lakers: I don't know how they managed to get Paul without parting with Andrew Bynum, but bravo.  Dwight Howard's move to LA is now inevitable, and will give the NBA a fourth power trio (to go along with Boston, Miami, and New York (which I'll get to later)).  Until Dwight is in purple and gold, though, I can't say I see this being a rousing success for the Lakers.  Chris Paul is one of the five or six best players in the league, and on paper, adding him to a backcourt that already has Kobe Bryant should be a slam dunk.  However, both Kobe and CP3 are at peak operating efficiency with the ball in their hands.  Can Kobe add and develop a Reggie Miller/Ray Allen catch-and-shoot skill set and (more importantly) mentality while Paul runs the show?  Can Paul become Derek Fisher times 1000 while Kobe does his thing on the wing?  And what exactly are the Lakers going to do up front?  As it stands right now, Derrick Caracter is the only power forward on the roster (although his salary isn't guaranteed), so unless Mike Brown wants to go small ball with Metta World Peace at the 4 and the newly signed Jason Kopono or Matt Barnes at the 3, Caracter is about to get a big-time promotion.  None of this speculation really matters, of course, since Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu (I'm assuming any deal involving Dwight will also have to involve Hedo's atrocious contract) will be in LA before the new trade deadline, and 50-year old virgin AC Green could line up at power forward and the Lakers would be fine.  Personally, I love Chris Paul, and I'm depressed that I'm going to have to hate him now.

Fixing College Football (yet again)

It's December, which means that the BCS has yet again screwed up.  Regardless of whether you think Oklahoma State or Alabama deserves to play LSU for the national title, the fact that there is even a question of who should be in the championship game is a failure of the system.  Instead of settling things on the field, the opportunity to play for the title is left to coaches who haven't seen 90 percent of teams ever play and Harris poll voters who somehow think Oklahoma State is the sixth best team in the country, not to mention the actual national champion.  Once again, I'm going to have to come to the rescue.

Unlike my previous proposals to solve college football, this iteration shies away from the Super Conference idea, and instead embraces more smaller conferences.  By more, I actually only mean one more, and by smaller, I mean ten teams per conference.  That would create a landscape of twelve conferences with ten members each, and thus twelve conferences champions.  Add in four at-large teams, and you have a delicious sixteen team field for a scrumptious college football playoff tourney.  Intrigued?

Oops!

I forgot to pick the Buckeyes game in my college football picks, and I know Saturday just wouldn't be the same for you without that knowledge in hand.

Colorado (+16.5) over OHIO STATE
What?  This is one of the craziest lines I've ever seen.  I hope I'm wrong, but this seems like easy money to me.  I see a Buckeyes victory, but something more along the lines of 16-13 or some other ugly score.  This actually moved from -15 yesterday, so there must be something I'm missing.  Did Colorado's team plane crash?  Were Terrelle Pryor and Jim Tressel welcomed back to Columbus with open arms and forgiving hearts?  Bizarre.

NFL Picks: Week 3

Sorry things have been so slow around here.  I'm getting back into the swing of things at school, so I probably won't be writing much until I get my feet under me (which might not ever happen, honestly).  Other than the time I need to spend reading and going to class and such, school has also robbed me of my elixir, the sweet, sweet nectar that is Ron Rico rum.  Without my muse, I'm afraid I'm lost, so this is going to be another quick post.  Home teams are in CAPS, the odds are Danny Sheridan's, and I've included an extremely hastily put-together Power Poll Rankings at the end.  Enjoy.

College Football Picks: 9/22/11

LAST WEEK: 12-14
OVERALL: 33-33-1

#20 GEORGIA TECH (-6.5) over North Carolina
#9 Florida (-19.5) over KENTUCKY
#12 MICHIGAN (-10) over San Diego State
New Mexico State (-10.5) over #114 SAN JOSE STATE
#119 OREGON STATE (-4) over UCLA
#1 LSU (-6) over #22 WEST VIRGINIA
Vanderbilt (+16) over #7 SOUTH CAROLINA
#4 ALABAMA (-11.5) over #18 Arkansas
#15 BAYLOR (-20.5) over Rice
#17 VIRGINIA TECH (-20.5) over Marshall
#8 Oklahoma State (+4) over #13 TEXAS A&M
#16 NEBRASKA (-23) over Wyoming
#2 OKLAHOMA (-21) over Missouri
#3 BOISE STATE (-28.5) over Tulsa
SMU (-21.5) over #113 MEMPHIS
AUBURN (-33.5) over #11 Florida Atlantic
#25 Ohio (+4) over RUTGERS
#23 ILLINOIS (-11.5) over Western Michigan
#11 SOUTH FLORIDA (-29) over UTEP
Indiana (-6.5) over #115 NORTH TEXAS
EAST CAROLINA (-13) over UAB
#24 FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL (-17) over Louisiana-Lafayette
#19 Florida State (+2.5) over CLEMSON
WASHINGTON (-1) over #21 Cal
 

Jumping To Conclusions: Week 3

Classes start for me this week, so my write-ups aren't going to be nearly as wordy as usual (to the relief of everyone).  Next week I will debut this season's WHAM Rankings, so enjoy this last edition of the Jumping to Conclusions Rankings for 2011.

Joe Bauserman and the fear of failure

The most frustrating thing about the Buckeyes' 24-6 loss to the Miami Hurricanes mere minutes ago is that quarterback Joe Bauserman and his coach Luke Fickell showed how the fear of failure is a slippery slope to failure.  All night, Bauserman dropped back, scanned the defense, and scanned the defense, and scanned the defense, and scanned the defense, rolled out of the pocket, and threw it out of bounds.  I make fun of quarterbacks like Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, and Kevin Kolb for their propensity to check-down, but at least they throw the ball in play.  Bauserman is afraid to fucking play football.  He's so terrified of making a mistake, he decided at some point that he just wasn't going to throw the ball in play, ever.  Braxton Miller wasn't much better, but he's a true freshman, and he played like it.  Bauserman's shittiness forced Miller into a situation he clearly isn't ready for, so I blame Braxton's follies entirely on fuckhead Bauserman.

And then there's Fickell.  He clearly is in over his head, and I'm not just talking about him letting the game end with 3 goddamn timeouts in his pocket (which is a first for a team down 2 scores in the 4th quarter I would imagine and should be all the evidence everyone needs that Fickell is no long-term answer at head coach).  The penalties on fucking punt formations (punt formations!) and the sloppy tackling are evidence of a shithead who has no idea how to practice.  The Buckeyes were boring and ugly under Jim Tressel, but they always knew how to tackle and how to fucking line up for a punt.  Fickell's a joke, and so is this season.  Ohio State should just volunteer t to give up bowl eligibility this year since they're finishing 4-8 anyway, and hopefully avoid NCAA penalties that could affect the team when they have an actual coach and an actual quarterback.

As for the positives, punter Ben Buchanan overcame the punt formation fuckups to have a hell of a game booting the ball, and the defense performed pretty well considering they were on the field for 99% of the snaps.  The way they recovered from the sucker punch the Hurricanes delivered on their opening drive is the only reason Fickell shouldn't be fired tonight.  The running game also looked pretty awesome, especially considering how inept the passing game was.

This was a fucking joke.  I bought tickets to 5 games, and now I get to go sit in the cold and watch Joe Bauserman and his buddies try to score 6 points 5 times.  Is this a bitter reaction in the heat of the moment?  Yes, but it doesn't mean it isn't true.  The Buckeyes are in trouble, and their only hope is that Russell Wilson and Denard Robinson are the only two quarterbacks in all of the Big Ten.  4-8, no bowl, and a loss in Ann Arbor are haunting my visions of the future.  I pray that I'm wrong.   

Drunk Thoughts: A Theory On Why Zydrunas Ilgauskas Talks Like He Works For Avon Barksdale

This was written at 2:34 AM, after several stiff rum-and-Cherry Coke Zeros.

I don't know if you've ever heard Zydrunas Ilguaskas talk, but he sounds like an Eastern European version of Gary Oldman's pimp character from True Romance ("Is it white boy day?"), and I've always wondered why.  Sitting in the shower just now, thinking about Bob Sura (as I often do when sitting in the shower), I think I've finally cracked the code.

NFL Picks: Week 2

Holy shit.  I know I goof around about how awesome I am at picks, and then it's hilarious when I get a bunch wrong, but 5 correct picks?  Man.  As penance, I will try to restrict myself from getting too wordy this week and let the picks speak for themselves.  The home team is in CAPS, the lines are Danny Sheridan's, and the picks are most certainly not 100% correct.

College Football Picks: 9/15/2011

Last weekend was not kind to me, but I did learn valuable lessons.  I now know that I must go against Memphis, UNLV, Akron, and Florida Atlantic no matter how large the spread, and that Florida, Stanford, Alabama, and Wisconsin are teams to ride until they prove otherwise.  For the uninitiated, I pick games involving the Bottom 10 and the Top 25 of my Jumping To Conclusions Rankings that are between two FBS teams (so no #21 California vs. Presbyterian pick this week) using Danny Sheridan's lines.  The rank numbers come from my rankings, not the AP or the Coaches' Poll, and the home team is in CAPS.  Oh, and all of the picks are 100% correct.  

All-MAC NFL Team

With the signing of Brad Maynard (boy, does he ever look like a straight up creeper!) to be the Browns' new punter, I discovered Maynard went to Ball State.  This is big news, as it means I can finally complete my All-MAC NFL team, comprised entirely of active players who attended college at a school that is in the MAC (or, in the cases of Asante Samuel and Chris Crocker, who attended college at a school that was in the MAC while they attended).  I think this team would do alright, although I'm not sure Chase Blackburn is a great fit at middle linebacker, nor if Jason Babin is an outside linebacker in the 4-3 defense I've built.  The secondary may also be a little suspect.  I still think this team could win the NFC West.  What do you think?

NFL Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In The Land: Week One

It's Power Poll Rankings time, son!  Get your Jager and meet me under the bridge!

SUPERCONFERENCES!

With the SEC adding Texas A&M any day now, the term "superconference" is being bandied about quite a bit.  It used to be that the SEC already was a superconference with their 12-team membership and championship game, but times have changed, and now their is serious talk about 16-team leagues.  So what will this drastic change to the college football landscape look like?  Lucky for you, I love doing this.