NBA Preview

(Note: x=playoff berth, y=division title, w=home court conference, z=home court throughout)

EAST

Atlantic Division

y-New Jersey Nets 48-34

Boston Celtics 32-50

New York Knickerbockers 30-52

Toronto Raptors 28-54

Philadelphia 76ers 25-57

New Jersey’s core of perimeter dynamos—Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson, and Jason Kidd—are still enough to win this horrific division. Against the elite of the East, however, the Nets just don’t have the size or interior toughness to compete. Boston is a one-man show, with Paul Pierce surrounded by an ever-changing cast of youngsters. Also, trading what became the rights to Randy Foye for Sebastian Telfair is going to be a mistake, although not a huge one since I can’t see Foye becoming anything beyond solid. New York will be better simply because Isaiah Thomas will stick to a rotation and allow players to develop into roles. Better for New York, however, is still not good. Toronto will score a ton, but will be unable to stop anyone, just like last year. Finally, Philadelphia is doomed to a long year, as I think AI finally decides he’s had enough of killing himself for a lost cause and misses significant time, leaving the season up to a one-legged Chris Webber and Kyle Korver. Have fun with that, Philly.

Southeast Division

y-Miami Heat 51-31

x-Washington Wizards 46-36

x-Orlando Magic 39-43

Atlanta Hawks 28-54

Charlotte Bobcats 28-54

Miami will follow Shaq’s lead as the team will do just enough in the regular season to put themselves into a favorable playoff position (and who can argue with the strategy, since Shaq has been pulling this act since he won his first title). Washington will be improved only because I see Gilbert Arenas having a monster year, elevating himself into sacred Top 5 status. Orlando will have an up-and-down year going with so many youngsters, but should make the playoffs since those youngsters (Dwight Howard, Darko Milicic, and Jameer Nelson) have tons of talent. Atlanta will again regret not drafting a point guard, especially when no one can get laid on road trips because Sheldon Williams’s ugly ass keeps scaring all the girls away. Charlotte will continue to slowly grow towards playoff contention, but are still too inexperienced to make a real push.

Central Division

w-Cleveland Cavaliers 57-25

x-Detroit Pistons 53-29

x-Chicago Bulls 50-32

x-Indiana Pacers 41-41

Milwaukee Bucks 31-51

Cleveland will dominate the regular season behind the somehow-still-improving LeBron James, a healthier Larry Hughes, and any kind of production from Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones. Detroit will fall back a little, but even if they had kept the gang together they weren’t going to match last season’s win total. Chicago will be the most annoying team to watch again, only this year they’ll be even more effective on D with the addition of Ben Wallace. Indiana has decided to reconfigure on the fly, and are a few years away from being back among the elite. I like a lot of Milwaukee’s players individually, but just don’t think they fit together at all. Also, Terry Stotts is their coach.

WEST

Midwest Division

z-San Antonio 62-20

x-Dallas Mavericks 59-23

x-New Orleans Hornets 43-39

Houston Rockets 41-41

Memphis Grizzlies 39-43

San Antonio will always be around the 60-win range when Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobli are healthy. Dallas will continue to hum along, but won’t be quite as good as last year due to Desgana Diop returning to earth a bit. New Orleans makes the playoffs solely on the play of Chris Paul, and Houston misses the playoffs solely due to the health of Tracy McGrady. Memphis just can’t win without Paul Gasol, but at least Rudy Gay may finally make that franchise exciting.

Northwest Division

y-Denver Nuggets 43-39

Minnesota Timberwolves 41-41

Utah Jazz 37-45

Seattle Supersonics 35-47

Portland Trailblazers 16-66

Denver wins the division because of Carmelo Anthony and the continuity the team has enjoyed. Kevin Garnett is inarguably the better player between KG and Anthony, and Garnett’s supporting cast is arguably better, but Minnesota’s roster is just so mish-mashed together I just can’t see that team finding its stride until March, when it will be too late. Utah is more talented and better coached than both Denver and Minnesota but will continue to suffer as long as their front line of Andrei Kerilenko, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur is constantly rotating injuries. Seattle is Toronto times 100: amazing offense, historically bad defense. Portland is too young with too many similar pieces. Plus, they failed to move Darius Miles or Zach Randolph, which should have been priorities one and two, regardless of the value received in return.

Pacific Division

y-Phoenix Suns 58-24

x-LA Clippers 49-33

x-LA Lakers 44-38

x-Sacramento Kings 43-39

Golden State Warriors 38-44

Phoenix should win the whole damn thing if Amare Stoudamire is healthy. The Clippers should have three to four years of solid teams who lose in the second round like the Hawks or Bucks of the 1980s. The Lakers have the league’s best coach (irrefutably) and the league’s best player (debatable, but feasible); therefore, they make the playoffs. Sacramento has a rough transition from finesse offensive juggernaut to gritty defensive pests, but Ron Artest and Mike Bibby make it work. Don Nelson needs an actual offseason to turn Golden State around, but the team will show signs of life.

PLAYOFFS

First Round

Cleveland over Orlando (4-0)

Detroit over Chicago (4-3)

Washington over New Jersey (4-3)

Miami over Indiana (4-3)

San Antonio over New Orleans (4-1)

Dallas over LA Clippers (4-2)

LA Lakers over Denver (4-2)

Phoenix over Sacramento (4-2)

A few upsets, but only in a seeding sense. Washington has the best player on the floor versus a Nets team that runs Eddie Jordan’s offense and the Lakers are much better than the Nuggets (and besides, we all know Kobe likes to get down in Colorado).

Second Round

Cleveland over Detroit (4-3)

Miami over Washington (4-1)

San Antonio over Dallas (4-3)

Phoenix over LA Lakers (4-2)

Cleveland and Detroit continue to build a fierce rivalry while San Antonio and Dallas continue theirs.

Conference Finals

Miami over Cleveland (4-3)

Phoenix over San Antonio (4-3)

Miami and Dewayne Wade out duel LeBron James and the Cavs in a series that the NBA will build off of for the next ten years. Phoenix finally gets over the hump by simply outrunning an aging, tired Tim Duncan.

Finals

Phoenix over Miami (4-0)

Phoenix is energized by their first trip to the Finals (I know they went in the 70s and 90s, but I mean this Phoenix team’s first trip) while the Heat—save for Dewayne Wade—are gassed after their grueling series versus Cleveland. Phoenix simply runs the Heat out of the gym.

AWARDS

MVP: LeBron James, Cleveland

DEFENSIVE PLAYER: Ben Wallace, Chicago

SIXTH MAN: Bonzi Wells, Houston

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Rudy Gay, Memphis

MOST IMPROVED: Darko Milicic, Orlando

COACH OF THE YEAR: Mike Brown, Cleveland

The Great NFL Debate: Match Four: Corso vs. Berman

After a week of dizzying debate, Shannon Sharpe, Michael Irvin, and Stuart Scott sit at the winner’s table, a table with room for one more. Chris Berman or Lee Corso, your matron’de [I hope you know what that butchered mess of French is supposed to be] Shang Tsung is waiting to seat you. Get Ready. FIGHT!

Match Four: (4) Lee Corso vs. (5) Chris Berman

Shang Tsung (moderator): Corso-san and Berman-san, you are both known for your uncanny abirities at predicting the outcomes of footbarr games. Today then you must see the outcome of the footbarr match between the Indianaporis Corts and the Tennessee Titans. Berman-san, since we are awaiting a saterrite rink for Corso-san, you have the honors.
Chris Berman: The Colts come in undefeated, having pulled out a squeaker over the New York “J-E-T-S” Jets! Jets! Jets! on Peyton “Doctor-Richard-Kimble-is-looking-for-a-one-armed” Manning’s QB sneak with 58 seconds left. The Titans, meanwhile, just got throttled by the Dallas Cowboys and Terrell “I-Keep-35-Painkiller-Pills-Loosely-In-A-Drawer-Instead-Of-In-Their-Bottle” Owens. Logic says the Colts should roll, right? Well, that’s…why…they…play…the…game. The Colts are undefeated, but their run defense has been susceptible. Can Indy handle the Titans’ running game, led by rookies LenDale “Cocaine-Is” White and Vince “I-Like-‘Em” Young? No, but the Swami still says: “Colts 35, Titans 17.”
Shang Tsung: Seriousry, Berman-san, give it up with the nicknames. You’re reaching. Arso, arthough you’re finar pick makes perfect sense, it contradicts your entire argument. Corso-san, what have you say?
Lee Corso (appearing via satellite link from Nashville, TN with a pack of Titans fans behind him): The Colts come in as one of the top teams in the league. They have the edge in passing, in running, in tackling, heck, even in reasons for their starting tackle to not be playing. This one should be a rout. But not so fast my friend. (Corso reaches down and attaches a DVD copy of Remember the Titans to his face) I’m gonna go with the Titans! And it’s all because of these great fans here in Nashville! (The screen is filled with screaming, drunken co-eds, one holding a 10-foot tall sign stating “Lee Corso Has A Baby Arm.”)
Shang Tsung: You had me until “Not so fast my friend,” Corso-san. Not only is your pick ridicurous, your reasoning is frawed. The game is in Indianaporis. Surery this top Berman-san’s nick-naming drivel. Corso-san, FINISH HIM!
Lee Corso: You’re with me, leather!
(Corso dons leather pants, causing intense lust in the loins of Berman. A conflict arises within Berman, his oozing machismo battling his urge to rape the screen Corso is appearing on. Finally, the tension comes to a head, and Berman’s scrotum explodes, unable to contain the raging juices flowing in that dark, swirling place.)

Next week: Round Two!

The Great NFL Debate: Match Three: Scott vs. May

After soundly defeating their first round opponents, Michael Irvin and Shannon Sharpe await their second round challengers high above on the second tier of the Mortal Kombat battle tree. One such challenger will emerge from today’s war of the words between Stuart Scott and Mark May. The moderator, as always, is the great Shang Tsung. Get ready. Fight!

Match Three: (3) Stuart Scott vs. (6) Mark May

Shang Tsung (moderator): Scott-san and May-san, both being of brack coror, you are famiriar with the crime, especially crime perpetrated by brack men on men of the same tone. What have you say about the act Tennessee Titan Albert Haynesworth committed on Dallas Cowboy Andre Gurode? Scott-san, you have the honors.

Stuart Scott: Like Aunt Ginnie always say, flip it back to the madcat that be presentin’.

Shang Tsung: Scott-san! What?

Stuart Scott: Flip it like a pancake. Bananas!

Shang Tsung: May-san, I berieve Scott-san would prefer you go first.

Stuart Scott: And the Lordeth say, “My son, you be speakin’ the troof!”

Mark May: Thank you, Stuart, and thank you, great Shang Tsung. To find the answer to why a man would commit such a heinous crime on the hallowed grounds of a football field, we must look to the perpetrators of countless crimes against humanity, the Ohio State Buckeyes. Obviously, Haynesworth had just watched Ohio State get lucky for the, I don’t know, 500^th (or however many wins their program has raped, murdered, and cheated to get) time versus Iowa and was influenced by the way Quinn Pittcock kept stabbing the Iowa center in the eye with an ice pick or how Anthony Gonzalez pointed a gun at any Hawkeye corner that came within five yards of him. Hey, Haynseworth thought, if Pittcock and Gonzalez can do that, perhaps I can step on a guy’s head and we can luck out and win. What Haynseworth failed to remember, however, is that Paul Brown long ago sold his soul so that the Buckeyes may have a scarred, tainted, and yet somehow successful football program. To force current Buckeyes head coach Jim Tressell to repent from his and his team’s sins, I made the trip to Columbus with my 16-year old nephew. What took place as I approached the sweater-vested demon shocked me. First, Tressell raised his reptilian finger to silence me, then turned to my nephew and said, “Bo, dude. I’m hard as a rock. Tell me when you reach rock.” Swear to God. Then he called me a nigger before laughing demonically and disappearing behind a cloud of green smoke. And that is what I think happened with Albert Haynesworth.

Shang Tsung: May-san, while your hatred of the Buckeyes of Ohio State is admirabre, it has absorutery no bearing here. Scott-san, are you ready for rebuttar?

Stuart Scott: Odalada-ding-dang, Haynseworth just went off the sheezy fo heezy. You know how it is, down in the yard, ‘dem franchise boyz start actin’ the fool. One playa talkin’ ‘bout how he was just this deep in Loquanda, and then this playa be saying Loquanda my cousin, then a melon go sizzurp up and splat! Oh, and Jim Tressell, bo, dude. I feel ya.

Shang Tsung: What may have been a crose battre has just been crinched by Scott-san’s response to a quote May-san compretery fabricated. Scott-san, FINISH HIM!

(Stuart Scott’s lazy yellow eye begins revolving rapidly, holding Mark May’s rapt attention until May is hypnotized. While under the sway of the revolving lazy eye, May sees his worst fear realized: Ohio State is the legitimate, undisputed number one team in the country. [Also, Jim Tressell has never called anyone a “nigger” as far as Diminishing Skills can tell.] Aware now that his entire broadcasting career has been a sham, May unveils a pail of buckeyes, which he swallows, killing him days later [buckeyes are poisonous, I think].)

Tomorrow: Chris Berman vs. Lee Corso Be there!

Classic TV: "Any cock'll do!"

Just in time for winter, those crazies over at Mr. Show point you in the right direction for all your cock-ring needs.

The Great NFL Debate: Match Two: Irvin vs. Theismann

Following Shannon Sharpe’s defeat of Howie Long via abada-Head Explosion, the stage was set for the second match. The gladiators: Michael Irvin and Joe Theismann. The moderator: Shang Tsung. Get ready! FIGHT!

Match Two: (2) Michael Irvin vs. (7) Joe Theismann

Shang Tsung (moderator): Irvin-san and Theismann-san, your question regards situationar probrem-sorving. With two minutes reft, the barr on your own 20 and no timeouts remaining, what should your favorite footbarr team do for winning point? Irvin-san, you are first.
Michael Irvin: Well, choosing the Cowboys obviously, the first thing I would do is trade all of these losers from Washington, Notre Dame, and Ohio State for some PLAYMAKERS from…THE U! Guys like Santana Moss, Clinton Portis, Edgerrin James, Andre Johnson, Jeremy Shockey, Ken Dorsey, these guys are real PLAYMAKERS! Hey, that reminds me…
(Dramatic music begins playing as the battle arena goes dark. Obnoxious graphics materialize in the air between Irvin and Theismann, eventually spelling out “MICHAEL’S PLAYMAKERS.”)
Michael Irvin: First up is my man Edgerrin James from…THE U! Edgerrin says (Irvin drops his voice real low), “I don’t need to cut my hair. I’m a PLAYMAKER, I’m rich, and I’m from…THE U!” Alright, and next up is a little vanilla flavor (Irvin laughs hysterically for 30 seconds) Ken Dorsey from…THE U! Dorsey says (Irvin does the worst black-guy-doing-a-white-guy impression ever), “I don’t care if my career QB rating is 66.6! I’m a PLAYMAKER, I can’t dance, and I’m from…THE U!” Alrighty, white brother Cane, alright. Uh-oh, what’s that whizzing by? It can only be the Mighty Mouse himself, Santana Moss, from…THE U! Santana says (Irvin raises his voice until it is a high-pitched obnoxious shit smear on the ears), “I might be a little guy, and everyone might have said I’d never make it with these BIG BOYS, but I’m a PLAYMAKER, I made the Pro Bowl, and I’m from…THE U!” What’s that, Jeremy Shockey? You’ve got something to say?
(Shung Tsung raises his hand, silencing Irvin.)
Shang Tsung: I hate to interrupt such a disjointed rant, but a mysterious spectator named Tom Jackson has unrocked the QUESTION Easter Egg by imputing the dark, ancient code (up, down, up, down, left, left, right, left, select, A, B, A+B, left trigger for those of you wondering). Jackson-san, ask when ready.
Tom Jackson:


Shang Tsung: Ha-ha. Very good, Jackson-san, very good. Theismann-san, rebuttar prease!
Joe Theismann: When you’re facing a do-or-die situation such as this, the first thing to remember is don’t turn the ball over. Nothing takes away the momentum of a game-winning drive like a turnover. Another thing to avoid is stupid penalties, especially ones that cost you a first down or even a touchdown. You’re not going to want to run in this situation, either, unless it’s a second or third-and-long and you’re trying to catch a defense back on its heels off-guard with a draw play. When you do drop back to pass, your offensive line must protect. Sacks are a killer when you’re down in your own territory like this. And finally, score a touchdown. A lot of players and even some coaches believe that kneeling it at the one is an effective way to win games, but I’ve seen a lot of football, and let me tell you, that only works once in a blue moon.
Shang Tsung: Theismann-san, enough! Your meandering strorr through the rand of obvious burrshit is making me want to srap you hard in the face. But since I am a man of peace now, Irvin-san, FINISH HIM!
Joe Theismann: A great way to finish a guy is get him when he’s down, really go for the throat. A lot of fighters tend to—
Michael Irvin: THE U! THE U! THE U! THE U! THE U!
(A hurricane blows in, bringing with it that stupid fucking crane that Miami uses as its mascot. The crane soars over a still rambling Theismann’s head, and then proceeds to bury him under a 20-foot pile of crane shit.)
Shang Tsung: IRVIN-SAN WINS!

Tomorrow: Stuart Scott vs. Mark May for a little black-on-black crime...OF THE MIND! Don't miss it!

Classic Movie Clips: "Thanks for bailing me out, Dad. Can you drop me off at Rushmore? I gotta go get a teacher fired."

Today's clip comes from the movie Rushmore. Only Bill Murray could pull off a scene where he steals a high school kid's bike and runs over its front wheel. Also, Max Fischer (Jason Schwartzman) coming out of the elevator proves that almost anything can look cool as long as it's in slow-motion.

College Picks 10-4-06

Last Week’s Record (versus the spread): 9-8-1 I guess I would’ve made money, depending on how I spread it around.

Notable Miss: Arizona State (+1) over Oregon Actual score: Oregon 48 ASU 13 Whoops.

Notable Hit: Georgia Tech (+11) over Virginia Tech

On to this week…

#1 OHIO STATE (-35) over Bowling Green

My good friend Matt relayed to me that the Buckeyes have covered 12 straight games. Might as well make it 13, as the Falcons will provide nearly no resistance to the indisputable best team in the country.

Arkansas (+15.5) over #2 AUBURN

Arkansas is coming off of a bye and have won three straight after getting blown out by USC. While Auburn wins the game, the Razorbacks win you money.

#3 USC (-20.5) over Washington

After getting a scare at Washington State, the Trojans will come home focused against a much-improved Washington team.

#4 West Virginia (-24) over MISSISSIPPI STATE

Mississippi State got steamrolled for 48 by an LSU offense that isn’t nearly the juggernaut West Virginia is.

#5 FLORIDA (+1) over #9 LSU

I’m going with Florida only because they are home. If I were a betting man, I’d stay the hell away from this game.

Michigan State (+15.5) over #6 MICHIGAN

I know Michigan State just lost to Illinois, and I know Michigan has looked great, but this game always seems to come down to the wire. Also, isn’t the reason everyone thinks Michigan is a national title contender because they beat Notre Dame? Well, didn’t the Spartans beat the snot out of the Fighting Irish before crapping themselves in the fourth quarter? Just something to think about.

#14 Oklahoma (+4.5) over #7 Texas

Vince Young is gone, so that means Bob Stoops owns Mack Brown again. Oklahoma also had a bye week while Texas was playing Sam Houston State for no good reason last week, giving the Sooners ample time to devise ways to befuddle and confuse strapping young Colt McCoy.

#8 Louisville (-32.5) over MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE

You know who played for Middle Tennessee State? Cleveland Brown playoff great Kelly Holcomb, that’s who.

#13 Tennessee (-2.5) over #10 GEORGIA

Only because I love the hell out of Kenny Chesney.

#14 CALIFORNIA (-5.5) over #11 Oregon

California seems to be the best of the shitty bunch behind USC in the PAC-10. Oregon is lucky to still be undefeated.

#12 NOTRE DAME (-31.5) over Stanford

I stuck my neck out for Notre Dame versus Purdue last week, and they won by 14 when the spread was 14.5. If these cocksuckers win by 31 this week, I’m picking against them for the rest of the year.

#15 Clemson (-16.5) over WAKE FOREST

I know Wake Forest is undefeated, but they have played NO ONE. Still, it’s quite an accomplishment since the Demon Deacons are ravaged by injury, which is why they will be crushed by the first test they see this year.

#17 Florida State (-10.5) over NORTH CAROLINA STATE

North Carolina State lost at home to Akron, who parlayed that season-making upset into losses to Central Michigan and Kent State. What I’m trying to say is North Carolina State is not very good (despite beating Boston College last week, who is ranked only because they beat Clemson in OT when Clemson's starting QB was out with injury).

Maryland (+14) over #18 GEORGIA TECH

The Yellow Jackets have always, ALWAYS seemed to follow a huge win with a terrible performance.

Purdue (+11) over #19 IOWA

Iowa is just not a very good football team. They will win, but it will be close and gross.

#20 BOISE STATE (-35.5) over Louisiana Tech

How anyone can ever win in Boise is beyond me, what with that blue field that gives you seizures and all.

IOWA STATE (+7) over #22 Nebraska

Upset of the week, if you consider a Nebraska loss an upset.

#23 Missouri (+4) over TEXAS TECH

Unlike Wake Forest, I think Missouri is a for-real-surprise-undefeated.

The Great NFL Debate: Match One: Sharpe vs. Long

Since 1992, sorcerer Shang Tsung has held vicious fighting tournaments known as “Mortal Kombat.” As the years have passed, however, interest has waned in the tournament, with this past year’s winner being Vestor, a mildly retarded 300 pound 6-6 giant who refuses to swallow his spit, resulting in speech that sounds like “SHSHSHSHSHSHSSHSHSHSHH” regardless of what he is saying. As the gentle beast gave his victory speech after laying waste to Raiden via an Afro Condor Chomp (Vestor's finisher, which entails a condor with purple and gold wings--one purple, one gold--emerging from a deep slumber within Vestor's unruly bird's nest of hair to poke its head out and snap out the opponent's appendix), Shang Tsung had an epiphany. Perhaps the world had evolved past a time when six-armed demons battling lizard ninjas was entertaining; perhaps the world demanded to have their minds challenged. So Shang Tsung determined to collect 8 of the most rambling, incoherent men he could find and transport them to his dimension for a tournament of debate. Those men: the announcers and analysists who cover the NFL. The tournament: The Great NFL Debate. The moderator: Shang Tsung. Get ready! FIGHT!

Match One: (1) Shannon Sharpe vs. (8) Howie Long
Shang Tsung (moderator): Sharpe-san and Rong-san, having both played in the NFL and eventuarry retiring, what have you to say to Favre-san as he struggres mightiry after returning perhaps past his time? Sharpe-san, you are first.
Shannon Sharpe: abada-abada-Dobodan McNabb-abada-abada-Packers-abada-abada-24-10.
Shang Tsung: Sharpe-san, I speak very ritter Engrish, but even I, the great Shang Tsung, know that you have only spoken two Engrish words. And I berieve the score of McNabb-san and Favre-san’s game was 31-9, not 24-10. You simpry are browing my mind. Rong-san, a rebuttar?
Howie Long: First off, Mr. Tsung—
Shang Tsung: You wirr address me as the great Shang Tsung, indorent creature.
Howie Long: Excuse me, great Shang Tsung, my name is Howie Long, not Rong. Now, onto to Brett Favre, he needs to realize that—
(Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson burst into the battle ground, loudly debating a topic unrelated to Brett Favre and completely drowning out the overmatched Howie Long. With a wave of his hand, Shang Tsung evaporates the two intruders and freezes Sharpe and Long.)
Shang Tsung: Rong-san, for such a rumbering man you are as timid as a kitten. Even though you were interrupted and said essentiarry nothing, you’re brief sentence made eons more sense than Sharpe-san’s argument. Therefore, I have no choice but to award the match to Sharpe-san. Sharpe-san, FINISH HIM!
Shannon Sharpe: abada-abada-fumble-abada-abada-touchdown-abada-abada-24-10.
(Howie Long’s head explodes.)
Shang Tsung: SHARPE-SAN WINS!

Tomorrow: (2)Michael Irvin vs. (7) Joe Theismann. Don’t miss it!

MAD TV can predict the future!

Here's a sketch from the first or second season of MAD TV that portrays our contemporary Congressmen quite well (see Mark Foley). Enjoy.

Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In the Land (Week 5)

32. Tennessee Titans 0-4 (29)

The Titans did the impossible by supplanting Oakland as the worse team in the league. Things are looking up, however, as a date with the Colts in Indianapolis looms this week.

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-3 (31)

The bye week didn’t keep me from remembering that the Bucs suck.

30. Oakland Raiders 0-3 (32)

They played a great first half only to have Randy Moss give an impassioned halftime speech that helped the Raiders remember that they are, in fact, the Raiders.

29. Detroit Lions 0-4 (28)

The Lions actually almost did get to forty this week, scoring 34 against the Rams. Unfortunately, the Rams scored 41.

28. Miami Dolphins 1-3 (19)

Mustering only 14 points against the horrendous Houston defense has to be a point of concern for Nick Saban and Duante “John Matrix” Culpepper (I told you he was on the take!).

27. San Francisco 49ers 1-3 (23)

After somehow beating the Rams in week 2, the 49ers have been defeated a combined 79-24 in their next two games, including a 41-0 loss to the Damon (yes, it is Damon) Huard-led Chiefs last week. I guess the 49ers mantra in training camp was “Beat the Rams!” and have just decided that “Mission: Accomplished, let’s go home.”

26. Green Bay Packers 1-3 (25)

How many Packers fans out there are hoping that Brett Favre’s injury will actually make him miss time? I am, if only to never hear about his fucking streak ever again.

25. Arizona Cardinals 1-3 (22)

Do you think Edgerin James would be willing to take less money to stay with the Colts, or do you think he’s just having a blast burning through his signing bonus by sending strippers to Kurt Warner, a noted Born-Again Christian?

24. Cleveland Browns 1-3 (26)

The offense looked pretty potent last week, but then the Browns should probably be disbanded if they can’t look potent against the Raiders.

23. Houston Texans 1-3 (30)

The Texans D and Mario Williams (1.5 sacks) finally gave the NFL’s highest rated passer David Carr (wow) some support. They were, however, playing a team quarterbacked by a man in the back pocket of Columbian drug dealer/game fixers.

22. New York Giants 1-2 (24)

I don’t really think they’re this good, but I forgot about them.

21. Kansas City Chiefs 1-2 (26)

I guess the Chiefs are better than those other boobs even with Damon Huard starting, but they still won’t make the playoffs if Trent Green doesn’t come back soon.

20. Minnesota Vikings 2-2 (13)

A big drop, but they did lose to the Bills. Brad Childress needs to be put on suicide watch if only to keep him and his ‘stache away from razors.

19. New York Jets 2-2 (16)

They may have lost, but they’re still feisty. (I have a feeling I’m going to be typing that a lot this year.)

18. Buffalo Bills 2-2 (20)

Between the Bills and the Jets, the Patriots will have four tough, tough wins on their hands this year.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-2 (10)

Quite a drop, but I don’t think they’ll be here that long. The D really disappointed, though.

16. Washington Redskins 2-2 (21)

Apparently one of the Redskins’ 400 assistant head coaches is a voodoo witch doctor and has revived Mark Brunnell, only now he has ZOMBIE POWERS!

15. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-2 (15)

They didn’t play this week, so let me just note that you can read Jerry Porter and Bill Cowher’s chat session here.

14. New Orleans Saints 3-1 (11)

And thus begins the three game slide that will erase the Saints from the collective conscience of America.

13. St. Louis Rams 3-1 (17)

The Rams really blew a chance to stick it to Mike Martz. In fact, they may have been embarrassed by him, surrendering 34 points to the hapless Lions.

12. Dallas Cowboys 2-1 (18)

Perhaps TO can reach into that drawer he inexplicably keeps his 35 painkiller pills in and give one to Andre Gurode for his trampled head.

11. Carolina Panthers 2-2 (15)

The Panthers did what the Panthers do: struggle to beat an inferior team at home. Once the playoffs start, however, watch out. This team’s got some horses.

10. Atlanta Falcons 3-1 (12)

The Falcons beat the Cardinals by doing what they did to win their first two games: forcing turnovers and running the hell out of the ball. I can’t see moving them that far up until they prove they can throw the ball.

9. Seattle Seahawks 3-1 (6)

Maybe they will miss Shaun Alexander after all.

8. Cincinnati Bengals 3-1 (1)

Don’t feel too bad, Bengals fans. You thought you were ready for the Big Boys, and Pappa Belichick put you in your place. Maybe next year.

7. San Diego Chargers 2-1 (4)

I still think the Chargers are one of the top 2 or 3 teams in the league. The only question is if Marty will let them prove it.

6. Baltimore Ravens 4-0 (8)

Yes, the Ravens are undefeated, and yes, they beat a very good Chargers team, but they shouldn’t have, just as they shouldn’t have beaten the Browns. If they’re counting on Steve McNair to keep coming from behind to win, the Ravens are in for a disappointing finish.

5. Philadelphia Eagles 3-1 (7)

The Eagles should be undefeated, but who the hell have they played? Their first true test comes this week when TO and the Cowboys come to town.

4. New England Patriots 3-1 (8)

Belichick found a cure for Brady’s displeasure with his receivers: run, run, run the ball. That thrashing of Cincinnati reminded us all that Belichick is still a mastermind.

3. Denver Broncos 2-1 (5)

Just like after a Broncos win, everyone (including me) is wondering how the Broncos ended up here.

2. Indianapolis Colts 4-0 (3)

I believe that time will prove the Colts are a better team than the Bears, but Indy hasn’t asserted dominance in their conference (see the Jets game) like the Bears have.

1. Chicago Bears 4-0 (2)

Last week the Bears wrapped up their division; this week they wrapped up the conference. Two things to be wary of though: Rex Grossman will probably get hurt at some point and teams I rank number one immediately lose the next week (see Jacksonville and Cincinnati).

Diminishing Skills Music Video Hall of Fame: Willa Ford "I Wanna Be Bad"

Back at the turn of the century, Britney Spears had just charmed America with "Oops I Did It Again" and Christina Aguilerra was still just a "Genie In A Bottle" (haha, I'm a fag). Before Britney could get all sweaty in "I'm A Slave 4 U" and Christina could completely whore out in "Dirrty" (the extra "r" is for "retarded"), Willa Ford had to bridge the gap from innocence to whoredom. I know this video isn't that funny, but c'mon, it's fucking hot. Also, check out Willa in Stuff, which is probably their best spread ever. You can also see her naked here.

MLB Playoff Preview: National League

I was going to do an in-depth look at the NL playoffs just like I did for the AL bracket, but then I realized WHO CARES? No one does a preview of the NIT, so why should I waste my time predicting who will be the fifth best (or eighth best, since the Red Sox, White Sox, and possibly Blue Jays could all win the NL) baseball team? So, making things short, I’m going to go with the NY Mets to get swept in the World Series by whoever. I know Pedro is out (and I just heard that his replacement, Orlando Hernandez, is out too), but the Mets are the only team with a viable lineup. The team I really want to win, though, is San Diego, because who better to win the most insignificant pennant than the most insignificant team in the playoffs? Here’s how I see the series going.

NY Mets over LA Dodgers, 3-2

St. Louis Cardinals over San Diego Padres, 3-2

NY Mets over St. Louis Cardinals, 4-1

Anyone from the AL over NY Mets, 4-0

MLB Playoff Preview: AL Divisional Series

The playoffs are here, and baseball matters again for the first time since April (at least for Indians fans). I love playoff baseball. It’s probably my second favorite postseason tournament—behind March Madness, of course. Every inning, every at bat, every pitch matters. When someone hits a walk-off homer or pitches a 2-hit shutout, you can feel the history being made. The intensity and anxiety you feel while watching a tight playoff game cannot be matched by any sport, March Madness included. So to get you, and myself, ready for the playoffs, here’s how I see the Divisional round playing out. (Although many factors can determine a playoff series, none is more important than the starting pitching match-ups. Therefore, I will focus on these starter match-ups in making my predictions. Also, since it’s late, I’m only hitting up the AL today. Don’t worry, Mets fans, the NL will be here tomorrow.)

Detroit Tigers (95-67) vs. New York Yankees (97-65)

Detroit coming in: The Tigers limped down the stretch, going 12-16 in September and October and losing their last five to relinquish the AL Central crown on the last day of the season. More importantly, the Tigers showed a genuine fear of the Yankees, going all out in the last game of the season, even pitching Kenny Rogers out of the bullpen, in a futile attempt to clinch the division and draw the Oakland A’s in the first round. Are they going to be able to get over the late season funk and their obvious fear of New York?

New York coming in: The Yankees coasted down the stretch, going 8-9 in their last 17. The most important thing was getting confidence in Gary Sheffield at first base, and apparently they did, as he’s starting there now, making the Yankees’ lineup one of the deepest ever. The other concern was the bullpen in front of Mariano Rivera, which is still a concern as Kyle Farnsworth and Mike Myers blew leads in the last two games of the season. Will Sheffield be competent at first base, and will the bullpen step up and get leads to Rivera?

Game 1: DET: Nate Robertson (13-13 3.84) vs. NYY: Chien-Ming Wang (19-6, 3.63)

Robertson was moved up in the rotation so Rogers wouldn’t have to pitch at Yankees Stadium, where he’s terrible, which really says a lot about whether Rogers is an ace or not. Robertson is a battler, but hardly a Game 1 starter. While Wang hardly seems like ace material himself, his style matches up against the Tigers offense splendidly. The Tigers score all of their runs with home runs; Wang trails only Brandon Webb in his ability to get ground balls. Yankees take Game 1 (New York 1, Detroit 0).

Game 2: DET: Justin Verlander (17-9, 3.63) vs. NYY: Mike Mussina (15-7, 3.51)

It’s experience versus youth as the wily vet Mussina faces off against the likely AL Rookie of the Year Verlander. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if Mussina—who has been battling injuries—struggles, but I don’t think Verlander’s going to do much better. Verlander has never thrown this many innings before, and fatigue may set in early. With fatigue comes a loss of control, and, against perhaps the most patient lineup ever, wildness leads to a lot of baserunners and, more importantly, a lot of pitches. Watch for Verlander to get knocked out after 5 innings and for the Yankees to come back on Detroit closer Todd Jones. Yankees steal Game 2 (New York 2, Detroit 0).

Game 3: NYY Randy Johnson (17-11, 5.00) vs. DET: Kenny Rogers (17-8, 3.84)

Exactly what Jim Leyland didn’t want: Kenny Rogers pitching a must-win game against the Yankees. Rogers will be defeated before he even throws a pitch, and the Yankees will simply outscore the Tigers, who should beat up Johnson and his herniated disc. Yankees clinch the series, 3-0.

Oakland Athletics (93-69) vs. Minnesota Twins (96-66)

Oakland coming in: The A’s rode their typical August push (21-6) into the playoffs, never really needing to worry about divisional competition. The A’s rotation is deep, with three starters winning at least 14 games (Barry Zito, Dan Haren, and Joe Blanton) and Esteban Loazia chipping in 11. With all of this depth, however, no one has stepped up as the ace. Zito has been that guy before, but if his curve ball isn’t working, watch out. The wild card could be Rich Harden, who has some of the best stuff in the league but is just rounding into shape after missing most of the year with injury. Also, the lineup has struggled to score runs despite Frank Thomas’s late season heroics. Will an ace emerge, and will someone other than Frank Thomas produce runs?

Minnesota coming in: No team is more feared than the Twins, who continued their furious last four months of the season with a 19-11 September and October, culminating in an improbable division title on the season’s final day. Johan Santana is the best pitcher alive, and with the maturation of Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau the lineup finally has some punch. The rotation sharply drops off after Santana, however, making the Twins the anti-A’s. Will a pitcher besides Santana step up, and can the Twins keep up the focus that has gotten them here after a terrible start?

Game 1: OAK: Barry Zito (16-10, 3.83) vs. MIN: Johan Santana (19-6, 2.66)

The Metrodome is going to be rocking more than the Michigan-Minnesota game (but just barely), so the A’s are already going to be behind the 8-ball. Zito should keep the crowd at bay when the Twins are at bat, but the roof is going to come off as Santana buzzes through the Oakland lineup. Wanting to save Santana in case he’s needed for a Game 4 start, Twins manager Ron Gardenhire will turn a tight lead over to Joe Nathan, who will shut the door on the A’s one, two, three. Minnesota takes Game 1 (Minnesota 1, Oakland 0).

Game 2: OAK: Estaban Loaiza (11-9, 4.89) vs. MIN: Boof Bosner (7-6, 4.22)

This game is a slugfest to start, as both lineups tee-off on Loaiza and the Man Named Boof. With the games in the hands of the bullpens, the Twins take control after Mauer and Morneau beat up on the all-righty Oakland pen. The Twins survive a wild one (Minnesota 2, Oakland 0).

Game 3: MIN: Brad Radke (12-9, 4.32) vs. OAK: Rich Harden (4-0, 4.24)

Facing a do-or-die, the A’s give Harden a chance to be an ace, and he doesn’t disappoint. Harden goes eight shutout innings, outlasting a courageous outing from the one-armed Brad Radke, and Huston Street deals out of trouble to get the save. The A’s stay alive (Minnesota 2, Oakland 1).

Game 4: MIN: Johan Santana vs. OAK: Dan Haren (14-13, 4.12)

Santana is dominant yet again, but the lineup can’t get it going, and the Twins lose by one. Oakland forces Game 5 (Minnesota 2, Oakland 2).

Game 5: OAK: Barry Zito vs. MIN: Carlos Silva (11-15, 5.94)

Zito can’t match Santana’s dominate effort in the previous game, while Silva is adequate. The Twins get an early lead and the bullpen squashes any chance of a comeback. Minnesota clinches the series, 3-2.

Early prediction for ALCS: New York Yankees over Minnesota Twins, 4-2.

NL preview tomorrow.

Happenings on the INTERNET! 10/2/06

• Cracked.com has the '80s Movie Montage Hall of Fame.
• Gorillamask has the Indian (the curry kind, not the tomahawk kind) interpretation of Thriller.
  
• Filmwad.com has two deleted scenes from Borat's upcoming movie (via Gorillamask, of course).
• Something Awful takes a look at the worst of You Tube.
  

"I always use lotion and the hand": Actual transcript of Florida Representative Mark Foley's online chat with a 16-year old male Congressional Page

I know this is a bit of a departure from the usual sports and clips I have up here, but this is just too funny. I copied and pasted this from ABC News. You can see the original page here. Disgusting, but, wow, hi-larious. "Maf54" is Foley. As Opie and Anthony pointed out today, way to really hide your identity, Congressman. "Maf54"=Mark A. Foley, 54 Why not just make your screenname "Dirtyrottenpederastcongressmanfromfloridanamedmarkafoley54"? I've put Foley's text in red to represent the devil that he is and I've put the little lad's text in baby blue to convey his sweet, cast-loving innocence.

Maf54 (7:25:14 PM): hey

Auto response from Xxxxxxxxx (7:25:14 PM): scrounging for food…brb

Maf54 (7:25:25 PM): ok

Maf54 (7:25:35 PM): kep scrounging

Xxxxxxxxx (7:31:51 PM): boo

Maf54 (7:32:13 PM): bo dude

Xxxxxxxxx (7:32:17 PM): lol

Xxxxxxxxx (7:32:26 PM): whered ya go this afternoon

Maf54 (7:33:39 PM): i am in pensecola…had to catch a plane

Xxxxxxxxx (7:33:47 PM): oh well thats fun

Maf54 (7:34:04 PM): indeed

Xxxxxxxxx (7:34:14 PM): what are you doing in pensecola

Maf54 (7:34:21 PM): now in my hotel room

Xxxxxxxxx (7:34:39 PM): well ..like why did you go there

Maf54 (7:35:02 PM): for the campaign

Xxxxxxxxx (7:35:29 PM): have you officialy announced yt

Maf54 (7:35:45 PM): not yet

Xxxxxxxxx (7:36:06 PM): cool cool…

Hey, it's me. Sorry to interrupt, but this has all been innocent banter thus far, and you may not be ready for this, so I'm warning you,

JOHN PARR CREEP ALERT AHEAD!

Maf54 (7:37:27 PM): how my favorite young stud doing

Xxxxxxxxx (7:37:46 PM): tired and sore

Xxxxxxxxx (7:37:52 PM): i didnt no waltzing could make you sore

Maf54 (7:38:04 PM): from what

Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:34 PM): what do you mean from what

Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:42 PM): from waltzing…im sore from waltzing

Maf54 (7:39:32 PM): tahts good

Maf54 (7:39:32 PM): you need a massage

Maf54 signed off at 7:39:37 PM.

Maf54 signed on at 7:40:35 PM.

Xxxxxxxxx (7:40:44 PM): got kicked off?

Maf54 (7:41:24 PM): must have

Xxxxxxxxx (7:41:57 PM): ugh tomorrow i have the first day of lacrosse practice

Maf54 (7:42:27 PM): love to watch that

Maf54 (7:42:33 PM): those great legs running

Xxxxxxxxx (7:42:38 PM): haha…they arent great

Xxxxxxxxx (7:42:45 PM): thats why we have conditioning

Xxxxxxxxx (7:42:56 PM): 2 days running….3 days lifting

Xxxxxxxxx (7:43:11 PM): every week

Xxxxxxxxx (7:43:14 PM): until the end of march

Maf54 (7:43:27 PM): well dont ruin my mental picture

Xxxxxxxxx (7:43:32 PM): oh lol…sorry

Maf54 (7:43:54 PM): nice

Maf54 (7:43:54 PM): youll be way hot then

Xxxxxxxxx (7:44:01 PM): haha…hopefully

Maf54 (7:44:22 PM): better be

Maf54 (7:46:01 PM): well I better let you go do oyur thing

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:07 PM): oh ok

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:11 PM): have fun campaigning

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:17 PM): or however you spell it

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:18 PM): lol

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:25 PM): ill see ya in a couple of weeks

Maf54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a haand job this weekend

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:38 PM): lol no

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:40 PM): im single right now

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:57 PM): my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): are you

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny

Xxxxxxxxx (7:47:29 PM): lol…a bit

Maf54 (7:48:00 PM): did you spank it this weekend yourself

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:04 PM): no

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:16 PM): been too tired and too busy

Maf54 (7:48:33 PM): wow…

Maf54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:51 PM): haha

Maf54 (7:50:02 PM): or tired..helps me sleep

Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:15 PM): thats true

Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:36 PM): havent been having a problem with sleep though.. i just walk in the door and collapse well at least this weekend

Maf54 (7:50:56 PM): i am sure

Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:57 PM): i dont do it very often normally though

Maf54 (7:51:11 PM): why not

Maf54 (7:51:22 PM): at your age seems like it would be daily

Xxxxxxxxx (7:51:57 PM): not me

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:01 PM): im not a horn dog

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:07 PM): maybe 2 or 3 times a week

Maf54 (7:52:20 PM): thats a good number

Maf54 (7:52:27 PM): in the shower

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:36 PM): actually usually i dont do it in the shower

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:42 PM): just cause i shower in the morning

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:47 PM): and quickly

Maf54 (7:52:50 PM): in the bed

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:59 PM): i get up at 530 and am outta the house by 610

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:03 PM): eh ya

Maf54 (7:53:24 PM): on your back

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:30 PM): no face down

Maf54 (7:53:32 PM): love details

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:34 PM): lol

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:36 PM): i see that

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:37 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:53:39 PM): really

Maf54 (7:53:54 PM): do you really do it face down

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:03 PM): ya

Maf54 (7:54:13 PM): kneeling

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:31 PM): well i dont use my hand…i use the bed itself

Maf54 (7:54:31 PM): where do you unload it

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:36 PM): towel

Maf54 (7:54:43 PM): really

Maf54 (7:55:02 PM): completely naked?

Xxxxxxxxx (7:55:12 PM): well ya

Maf54 (7:55:21 PM): very nice

Xxxxxxxxx (7:55:24 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:00 PM): haha

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:05 PM): well ive never watched myslef

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:08 PM): but ya i guess

Maf54 (7:56:18 PM): i am sure not

Maf54 (7:56:22 PM): hmmm

Maf54 (7:56:30 PM): great visual

Maf54 (7:56:39 PM): i may try that

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:43 PM): it works

Maf54 (7:56:51 PM): hmm

Maf54 (7:56:57 PM): sound inetersting

Maf54 (7:57:05 PM): i always use lotion and the hand

Maf54 (7:57:10 PM): but who knows

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:24 PM): i dont use lotion…takes too much time to clean up

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:37 PM): with a towel you can just wipe off….and go

Maf54 (7:57:38 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:57:45 PM): where do you throw the towel

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:48 PM): but you cant work it too hard….or its not good

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:51 PM): in the laundry

Maf54 (7:58:16 PM): just kinda slow rubbing

Xxxxxxxxx (7:58:23 PM): ya….

Xxxxxxxxx (7:58:32 PM): or youll rub yourslef raw

Maf54 (7:58:37 PM): well I have aa totally stiff wood now

Xxxxxxxxx (7:58:40 PM): cause the towell isnt very soft

Maf54 (7:58:44 PM): i bet..taht would hurt

Xxxxxxxxx (7:58:50 PM): but you cn find something softer than a towell i guess

Maf54 (7:58:59 PM): but it must feel great spirting on the towel

Xxxxxxxxx (7:59:06 PM): ya

Maf54 (7:59:29 PM): wow

Maf54 (7:59:48 PM): is your little guy limp…or growing

Xxxxxxxxx (7:59:54 PM): eh growing

Maf54 (8:00:00 PM): hmm

Maf54 (8:00:12 PM): so you got a stiff one now

Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:19 PM): not that fast

Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:20 PM): hey

Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:32 PM): so you have a fetich

Maf54 (8:00:32 PM): hey what

Xxxxxxxxx (8:00:40 PM): fetish**

Maf54 (8:00:43 PM): like

Maf54 (8:00:53 PM): i like steamroom

Maf54 (8:01:04 PM): whats yours

Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:09 PM): its kinda weird

Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:14 PM): lol

Maf54 (8:01:21 PM): i am hard as a rock..so tell me when your reaches rock

Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:23 PM): i have a cast fetish

Maf54 (8:01:27 PM): well tell me

Maf54 (8:01:32 PM): cast

Xxxxxxxxx (8:01:44 PM): ya like…plaster cast

Maf54 (8:01:49 PM): ok..so what happens

Maf54 (8:01:58 PM): how does that turn you in

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:02 PM): i dont know

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:04 PM): it just does

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:08 PM): ive never had one

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:16 PM): but people that have them turn me on

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:27 PM): and if i had one it would probably turn me on

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:29 PM): beats me

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:32 PM): its kinda weird

Xxxxxxxxx (8:02:50 PM): but along with that i like the whole catholic girl look….thats our schools uniform

Maf54 (8:03:02 PM): ha thats wild

Xxxxxxxxx (8:03:14 PM): ya but now im hard

Maf54 (8:03:32 PM): me 2

Maf54 (8:03:42 PM): cast got you going

Maf54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing

Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:04 PM): normal clothes

Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:09 PM): tshirt and shorts

Maf54 (8:04:17 PM): um so a big buldge

Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:35 PM): ya

Maf54 (8:04:45 PM): um

Maf54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them off of you

Xxxxxxxxx (8:05:08 PM): haha

Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake

Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab

Xxxxxxxxx (8:06:53 PM): not tonight…dont get to excited

Maf54 (8:07:12 PM): well your hard

Xxxxxxxxx (8:07:45 PM): that is true

Maf54 (8:08:03 PM): and a little horny

Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:11 PM): and also tru

Maf54 (8:08:31 PM): get a ruler and measure it for me

Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:38 PM): ive already told you that

Maf54 (8:08:47 PM): tell me again

Xxxxxxxxx (8:08:49 PM): 7 and 1/2

Maf54 (8:09:04 PM): ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Maf54 (8:09:08 PM): beautiful

Xxxxxxxxx (8:09:38 PM): lol

Maf54 (8:09:44 PM): thats a great size

Xxxxxxxxx (8:10:00 PM): thank you

Maf54 (8:10:22 PM): still stiff

Xxxxxxxxx (8:10:28 PM): ya

Maf54 (8:10:40 PM): take it out

Xxxxxxxxx (8:10:54 PM): brb…my mom is yelling

Maf54 (8:11:06 PM): ok

Xxxxxxxxx (8:14:02 PM): back

Maf54 (8:14:37 PM): cool hope se didnt see any thing

Xxxxxxxxx (8:14:54 PM): no no

Xxxxxxxxx (8:14:59 PM): she is computer dumb though

Xxxxxxxxx (8:15:01 PM): it makes me so mad

Maf54 (8:15:04 PM): good

Maf54 (8:15:08 PM): haha

Maf54 (8:15:11 PM): why

Xxxxxxxxx (8:15:23 PM): cause she cant do anything

Maf54 (8:15:31 PM): oh well

Xxxxxxxxx (8:15:41 PM): she couldnt figure out how to download a file from an email and open it

Maf54 (8:15:53 PM): haha

Xxxxxxxxx (8:16:14 PM): and she only does it like a million times a day

Xxxxxxxxx (8:16:16 PM): oh well

Xxxxxxxxx (8:16:18 PM): whatever

Xxxxxxxxx (8:16:53 PM): well i better go finish my hw…i just found out from a friend that i have to finish reading and notating a book for AP english

Maf54 signed off at 8:17:43 PM.

A few quick thoughts on this:

• If this weren't a conversation between a 54-year old Congressman and a 16-year old boy, I'd have to say that the boy comes out of this looking like the creep. A cast fetish? How in the hell could that "turn you in?" Unless...
• The boy was just stringing this perv along, which I'm kind of thinking he was. I mean, he said he was sore from waltzing, he said he had a cast fetish, he asked the Congressman if he had a fetish (and what the hell kind of fetish is "steamroom?"), and then he probably really did laugh out loud when the Congressman gave that exaggerated "ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm" after the kid told him his size. You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of when me and two of my other buddies signed onto AIM under a fake screenname and tricked our other buddy into cybersex. I can easily see this kid sitting there with his buddies and trying to see what they can get this perv to say. Like I said, hi-larious. Oh, and "Bo, dude" is how I'm greeting everyone online from now on.