Following Shannon Sharpe’s defeat of Howie Long via abada-Head Explosion, the stage was set for the second match. The gladiators: Michael Irvin and Joe Theismann. The moderator: Shang Tsung. Get ready! FIGHT!
Match Two: (2) Michael Irvin vs. (7) Joe Theismann
Shang Tsung (moderator): Irvin-san and Theismann-san, your question regards situationar probrem-sorving. With two minutes reft, the barr on your own 20 and no timeouts remaining, what should your favorite footbarr team do for winning point? Irvin-san, you are first.
Michael Irvin: Well, choosing the Cowboys obviously, the first thing I would do is trade all of these losers from Washington, Notre Dame, and Ohio State for some PLAYMAKERS from…THE U! Guys like Santana Moss, Clinton Portis, Edgerrin James, Andre Johnson, Jeremy Shockey, Ken Dorsey, these guys are real PLAYMAKERS! Hey, that reminds me…
(Dramatic music begins playing as the battle arena goes dark. Obnoxious graphics materialize in the air between Irvin and Theismann, eventually spelling out “MICHAEL’S PLAYMAKERS.”)
Michael Irvin: First up is my man Edgerrin James from…THE U! Edgerrin says (Irvin drops his voice real low), “I don’t need to cut my hair. I’m a PLAYMAKER, I’m rich, and I’m from…THE U!” Alright, and next up is a little vanilla flavor (Irvin laughs hysterically for 30 seconds) Ken Dorsey from…THE U! Dorsey says (Irvin does the worst black-guy-doing-a-white-guy impression ever), “I don’t care if my career QB rating is 66.6! I’m a PLAYMAKER, I can’t dance, and I’m from…THE U!” Alrighty, white brother Cane, alright. Uh-oh, what’s that whizzing by? It can only be the Mighty Mouse himself, Santana Moss, from…THE U! Santana says (Irvin raises his voice until it is a high-pitched obnoxious shit smear on the ears), “I might be a little guy, and everyone might have said I’d never make it with these BIG BOYS, but I’m a PLAYMAKER, I made the Pro Bowl, and I’m from…THE U!” What’s that, Jeremy Shockey? You’ve got something to say?
(Shung Tsung raises his hand, silencing Irvin.)
Shang Tsung: I hate to interrupt such a disjointed rant, but a mysterious spectator named Tom Jackson has unrocked the QUESTION Easter Egg by imputing the dark, ancient code (up, down, up, down, left, left, right, left, select, A, B, A+B, left trigger for those of you wondering). Jackson-san, ask when ready.
Shang Tsung: Ha-ha. Very good, Jackson-san, very good. Theismann-san, rebuttar prease!
Joe Theismann: When you’re facing a do-or-die situation such as this, the first thing to remember is don’t turn the ball over. Nothing takes away the momentum of a game-winning drive like a turnover. Another thing to avoid is stupid penalties, especially ones that cost you a first down or even a touchdown. You’re not going to want to run in this situation, either, unless it’s a second or third-and-long and you’re trying to catch a defense back on its heels off-guard with a draw play. When you do drop back to pass, your offensive line must protect. Sacks are a killer when you’re down in your own territory like this. And finally, score a touchdown. A lot of players and even some coaches believe that kneeling it at the one is an effective way to win games, but I’ve seen a lot of football, and let me tell you, that only works once in a blue moon.
Shang Tsung: Theismann-san, enough! Your meandering strorr through the rand of obvious burrshit is making me want to srap you hard in the face. But since I am a man of peace now, Irvin-san, FINISH HIM!
Joe Theismann: A great way to finish a guy is get him when he’s down, really go for the throat. A lot of fighters tend to—
Michael Irvin: THE U! THE U! THE U! THE U! THE U!
(A hurricane blows in, bringing with it that stupid fucking crane that Miami uses as its mascot. The crane soars over a still rambling Theismann’s head, and then proceeds to bury him under a 20-foot pile of crane shit.)
Shang Tsung: IRVIN-SAN WINS!
Tomorrow: Stuart Scott vs. Mark May for a little black-on-black crime...OF THE MIND! Don't miss it!