Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In the Land (Week 5)

32. Tennessee Titans 0-4 (29)

The Titans did the impossible by supplanting Oakland as the worse team in the league. Things are looking up, however, as a date with the Colts in Indianapolis looms this week.

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-3 (31)

The bye week didn’t keep me from remembering that the Bucs suck.

30. Oakland Raiders 0-3 (32)

They played a great first half only to have Randy Moss give an impassioned halftime speech that helped the Raiders remember that they are, in fact, the Raiders.

29. Detroit Lions 0-4 (28)

The Lions actually almost did get to forty this week, scoring 34 against the Rams. Unfortunately, the Rams scored 41.

28. Miami Dolphins 1-3 (19)

Mustering only 14 points against the horrendous Houston defense has to be a point of concern for Nick Saban and Duante “John Matrix” Culpepper (I told you he was on the take!).

27. San Francisco 49ers 1-3 (23)

After somehow beating the Rams in week 2, the 49ers have been defeated a combined 79-24 in their next two games, including a 41-0 loss to the Damon (yes, it is Damon) Huard-led Chiefs last week. I guess the 49ers mantra in training camp was “Beat the Rams!” and have just decided that “Mission: Accomplished, let’s go home.”

26. Green Bay Packers 1-3 (25)

How many Packers fans out there are hoping that Brett Favre’s injury will actually make him miss time? I am, if only to never hear about his fucking streak ever again.

25. Arizona Cardinals 1-3 (22)

Do you think Edgerin James would be willing to take less money to stay with the Colts, or do you think he’s just having a blast burning through his signing bonus by sending strippers to Kurt Warner, a noted Born-Again Christian?

24. Cleveland Browns 1-3 (26)

The offense looked pretty potent last week, but then the Browns should probably be disbanded if they can’t look potent against the Raiders.

23. Houston Texans 1-3 (30)

The Texans D and Mario Williams (1.5 sacks) finally gave the NFL’s highest rated passer David Carr (wow) some support. They were, however, playing a team quarterbacked by a man in the back pocket of Columbian drug dealer/game fixers.

22. New York Giants 1-2 (24)

I don’t really think they’re this good, but I forgot about them.

21. Kansas City Chiefs 1-2 (26)

I guess the Chiefs are better than those other boobs even with Damon Huard starting, but they still won’t make the playoffs if Trent Green doesn’t come back soon.

20. Minnesota Vikings 2-2 (13)

A big drop, but they did lose to the Bills. Brad Childress needs to be put on suicide watch if only to keep him and his ‘stache away from razors.

19. New York Jets 2-2 (16)

They may have lost, but they’re still feisty. (I have a feeling I’m going to be typing that a lot this year.)

18. Buffalo Bills 2-2 (20)

Between the Bills and the Jets, the Patriots will have four tough, tough wins on their hands this year.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-2 (10)

Quite a drop, but I don’t think they’ll be here that long. The D really disappointed, though.

16. Washington Redskins 2-2 (21)

Apparently one of the Redskins’ 400 assistant head coaches is a voodoo witch doctor and has revived Mark Brunnell, only now he has ZOMBIE POWERS!

15. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-2 (15)

They didn’t play this week, so let me just note that you can read Jerry Porter and Bill Cowher’s chat session here.

14. New Orleans Saints 3-1 (11)

And thus begins the three game slide that will erase the Saints from the collective conscience of America.

13. St. Louis Rams 3-1 (17)

The Rams really blew a chance to stick it to Mike Martz. In fact, they may have been embarrassed by him, surrendering 34 points to the hapless Lions.

12. Dallas Cowboys 2-1 (18)

Perhaps TO can reach into that drawer he inexplicably keeps his 35 painkiller pills in and give one to Andre Gurode for his trampled head.

11. Carolina Panthers 2-2 (15)

The Panthers did what the Panthers do: struggle to beat an inferior team at home. Once the playoffs start, however, watch out. This team’s got some horses.

10. Atlanta Falcons 3-1 (12)

The Falcons beat the Cardinals by doing what they did to win their first two games: forcing turnovers and running the hell out of the ball. I can’t see moving them that far up until they prove they can throw the ball.

9. Seattle Seahawks 3-1 (6)

Maybe they will miss Shaun Alexander after all.

8. Cincinnati Bengals 3-1 (1)

Don’t feel too bad, Bengals fans. You thought you were ready for the Big Boys, and Pappa Belichick put you in your place. Maybe next year.

7. San Diego Chargers 2-1 (4)

I still think the Chargers are one of the top 2 or 3 teams in the league. The only question is if Marty will let them prove it.

6. Baltimore Ravens 4-0 (8)

Yes, the Ravens are undefeated, and yes, they beat a very good Chargers team, but they shouldn’t have, just as they shouldn’t have beaten the Browns. If they’re counting on Steve McNair to keep coming from behind to win, the Ravens are in for a disappointing finish.

5. Philadelphia Eagles 3-1 (7)

The Eagles should be undefeated, but who the hell have they played? Their first true test comes this week when TO and the Cowboys come to town.

4. New England Patriots 3-1 (8)

Belichick found a cure for Brady’s displeasure with his receivers: run, run, run the ball. That thrashing of Cincinnati reminded us all that Belichick is still a mastermind.

3. Denver Broncos 2-1 (5)

Just like after a Broncos win, everyone (including me) is wondering how the Broncos ended up here.

2. Indianapolis Colts 4-0 (3)

I believe that time will prove the Colts are a better team than the Bears, but Indy hasn’t asserted dominance in their conference (see the Jets game) like the Bears have.

1. Chicago Bears 4-0 (2)

Last week the Bears wrapped up their division; this week they wrapped up the conference. Two things to be wary of though: Rex Grossman will probably get hurt at some point and teams I rank number one immediately lose the next week (see Jacksonville and Cincinnati).