Thursday, October 05, 2006

The Great NFL Debate: Match Three: Scott vs. May

After soundly defeating their first round opponents, Michael Irvin and Shannon Sharpe await their second round challengers high above on the second tier of the Mortal Kombat battle tree. One such challenger will emerge from today’s war of the words between Stuart Scott and Mark May. The moderator, as always, is the great Shang Tsung. Get ready. Fight!

Match Three: (3) Stuart Scott vs. (6) Mark May

Shang Tsung (moderator): Scott-san and May-san, both being of brack coror, you are famiriar with the crime, especially crime perpetrated by brack men on men of the same tone. What have you say about the act Tennessee Titan Albert Haynesworth committed on Dallas Cowboy Andre Gurode? Scott-san, you have the honors.

Stuart Scott: Like Aunt Ginnie always say, flip it back to the madcat that be presentin’.

Shang Tsung: Scott-san! What?

Stuart Scott: Flip it like a pancake. Bananas!

Shang Tsung: May-san, I berieve Scott-san would prefer you go first.

Stuart Scott: And the Lordeth say, “My son, you be speakin’ the troof!”

Mark May: Thank you, Stuart, and thank you, great Shang Tsung. To find the answer to why a man would commit such a heinous crime on the hallowed grounds of a football field, we must look to the perpetrators of countless crimes against humanity, the Ohio State Buckeyes. Obviously, Haynesworth had just watched Ohio State get lucky for the, I don’t know, 500th (or however many wins their program has raped, murdered, and cheated to get) time versus Iowa and was influenced by the way Quinn Pittcock kept stabbing the Iowa center in the eye with an ice pick or how Anthony Gonzalez pointed a gun at any Hawkeye corner that came within five yards of him. Hey, Haynseworth thought, if Pittcock and Gonzalez can do that, perhaps I can step on a guy’s head and we can luck out and win. What Haynseworth failed to remember, however, is that Paul Brown long ago sold his soul so that the Buckeyes may have a scarred, tainted, and yet somehow successful football program. To force current Buckeyes head coach Jim Tressell to repent from his and his team’s sins, I made the trip to Columbus with my 16-year old nephew. What took place as I approached the sweater-vested demon shocked me. First, Tressell raised his reptilian finger to silence me, then turned to my nephew and said, “Bo, dude. I’m hard as a rock. Tell me when you reach rock. Swear to God. Then he called me a nigger before laughing demonically and disappearing behind a cloud of green smoke. And that is what I think happened with Albert Haynesworth.

Shang Tsung: May-san, while your hatred of the Buckeyes of Ohio State is admirabre, it has absorutery no bearing here. Scott-san, are you ready for rebuttar?

Stuart Scott: Odalada-ding-dang, Haynseworth just went off the sheezy fo heezy. You know how it is, down in the yard, ‘dem franchise boyz start actin’ the fool. One playa talkin’ ‘bout how he was just this deep in Loquanda, and then this playa be saying Loquanda my cousin, then a melon go sizzurp up and splat! Oh, and Jim Tressell, bo, dude. I feel ya.

Shang Tsung: What may have been a crose battre has just been crinched by Scott-san’s response to a quote May-san compretery fabricated. Scott-san, FINISH HIM!

(Stuart Scott’s lazy yellow eye begins revolving rapidly, holding Mark May’s rapt attention until May is hypnotized. While under the sway of the revolving lazy eye, May sees his worst fear realized: Ohio State is the legitimate, undisputed number one team in the country. [Also, Jim Tressell has never called anyone a “nigger” as far as Diminishing Skills can tell.] Aware now that his entire broadcasting career has been a sham, May unveils a pail of buckeyes, which he swallows, killing him days later [buckeyes are poisonous, I think].)

Tomorrow: Chris Berman vs. Lee Corso Be there!

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