One and Counting: That was fun while it lasted

Yikes.  If there has been a play that serves as a microcosm of the nightmare that is the 2010-11 Cleveland Cavaliers' season, it has to be John Wall's coast-to-coast layup with 4 seconds left at the end of the first half of the Cavs' 115-100 loss to the Washington Wizards Sunday night.  Wall's score came after a monstrous Christian Eyenga jam (whom some pals and I watched a minor league hockey game "with" one luxury suite over at the Q on Saturday night, and who by all indications does not understand the sport of hockey) that seemed to build some momentum for the hometown Cavs heading into the locker room.  And then Wall waltzed down the court to the opposite hoop, and the game was over, Eyenga's slam all but forgotten.  It was like Friday's exhilarating win over the Clippers (Eyenga's dunk) followed by Sunday's pathetic showing against the Wizards (Wall's layup) compressed into a 5-second sequence.  What a turd sandwich.

Bracket-OGRAPHOLOGY! 2/14/2011

Happy Valentine's Day!  As a very special valentine from me to you, dear reader, I present the 2nd installment of Diminishing Skills Bracket-OGRAPHOLOGY!  All projections are based on an average of ESPN's RPI, Ken Pomeroy's Ratings, and Jeff Sagarin's Ratings, and automatic qualifiers are in italics.  Enjoy.

One and counting: Let's celebrate!

By now, you should know how we like to celebrate here at Diminishing Skills.  That's right, trade ideas!  In honor of the Cavs' first win in over 50 days, I've decided to forgo the usual boring old salary dumps and instead present a couple of fantasy trades.  The first is my fantasy (well, one of my fantasies), while the other is based on Dan Gilbert's wet dream that this crazy win over the Clippers will propel his beloved Cavaliers back into playoff contention (they're only 15 games back!).  Enjoy.

UPDATE: The Cavs Win...because of witchcraft?

Via Ball Don't Lie:

19 Action News Meteorologist Jason Handman will be attempting to lift whatever curse has befallen Cleveland's beloved home town hoops team with the assistance of Kathy Curran, a local Witch and High Priestess. Curran is a self proclaimed expert in all aspects of the metaphysical realms, including Wiccan culture, astrology, fairies, magic, and an extensive knowledge of herbs and spell casting.
Jason and Witch Kathy will attempt to break the losing spell of the Cavaliers live today in today's 19 Action News at Four, Five, and Six. Fans from around the country can watch these newscasts as they are streamed live, online, at 19 Action News.com
"Kathy has assured me that she has the perfect spell to lift this curse already prepared. If she proves to be successful, she will be forecasting the weather for us as well." Jason Handman says.

Oh, snood, is that Fred McLeod in the corner? (video)


At least that explains him speaking in tongues.

Cavs Win!

What the hell is Fred McLeod saying? (video)

The Case Against Rajon Rondo

Last week, on his podcast the BS Report, Bill Simmons was discussing his upcoming NBA trade value column (here is last year's; it's an absolute must-read) with his buddy Joe House.  As they made their way through the list, I was not at all surprised that Rajon Rondo made his top 13.  While I allowed for the fact that he was probably 5-10 spots too high thanks to Simmons's Boston leanings, I accepted such a lofty ranking for Rondo thanks to his standing among Derrick Rose and Russell Westbrook as the premier young point guards in the league and his relatively team-friendly contract.  The more I thought about it, though, the more I wondered if Boston would really turn down a Chris Paul-for-Rondo deal (as Simmons ascertains*), or even a John Wall-for-Rondo deal.

INTERNET Road Trip: 2/11/11

Here's some interesting items to get you through the rest of your work week:

• Mocking The Draft explores the NFL pipeline that has developed at Kent State, and explains why it will continue to flow this year.
• According to the NY Times, the Browns are the 26th most popular team in Madden. (via Dawgs by Nature)
• The Shutdown Corner gives us a tour of Deion Sanders $5.5 million ranch (which is for sale, so get in while it's still a buyer's market!).
• Let's Go Tribe has a quick breakdown of the Orlando Cabrera signing.
• Basketball Reference looks at team W-L record in games in which a specific player was the leading scorer.  The all-time worst record when a player led his team in scoring?  Former Cav Lamond Murray, who's teams went 30-92 when he paced them in points.  Who has the best record?  Click and find out!
• Every slam dunk from every NBA dunk contest...ever.
• The Basketball Jones have uncovered the flier for Derrick Rose's All-Star party, "Rose Petals." (probably NSFW).
• Rob Neyer continues his look at the MLB Players of the Decade today with a look at the top shortstops (SPOILER ALERT: Jhonny Peralta didn't make the cut).
• Get your weekend started right with a little Fart Touch (via the hilarious MBMBAM podcast).

Josh Cribbs Is Your Greater Cleveland Sports Professional Athlete of The Year

I was alerted of this news mere moments ago by Diminishing Skills buddy and sometime-contributor MattyWill.  His reaction is the same as I'm sure yours is right now:  what?  Cribbs had a career-low in just about everything, averaging 20.4 yards per kick return and failing to reach the end zone on special teams for the first time in his career.  Since I'm working on a couple of big projects that are taking a little longer than anticipated, here is a lift of more deserving successful Cleveland pro athletes from 2010 to hold you over until I get that ish didz.

1. Um....
2. Didn't Hafner, oh, nope...
3. Carlos Santan--shit, that's right, his knee...
4. Christian Enyega?  No, too foreign...
5. Joe Thomas?  No, too Wisconsin...
6. Does (do?) the Force still exist?  How about the Crunch?
7. Rick Vaughn?  Roger Dorn?  Jake Taylor?
8. WWE World Champion the Miz?  He doesn't play here, but he is from Parma.  Wait a minute!  Home-grown boy, finding success elsewhere, I've got it!
8.You're 2010 Greater Cleveland Sports Professional Athlete of The Year is...

LEBRON JAMES!!!

Congratulations, douche bag.

26 And Counting: Shuffling Furniture On The Deck of the Titantic

Well, the Cavs lost again, this time in humiliating fashion to the Detroit Pistons.  So why not celebrate with a trade with those very Pistons?


Trade #1

Cavs get:
Richard Hamilton
Charlie Villanueva
Ben Gordon
Jason Maxiell
Detroit's 2011 2nd Round Pick

Pistons get:
Antawn Jamison
Mo Williams
Anthony Parker

Who is the Cavs best player, or, Who will the Cavs dump within the next 18 months?

Hoops Analyst has yet another great post up (seriously, you should check them out) about the Cavaliers' futility.  The first section deals with essentially the same stuff you've probably already read or seen elsewhere, but it's the second part that really caught my eye.  "Bill James once observed that one of the problems with bad teams is that they tend to blame their best players for futility when, in fact, the ire should be focused on the bad players," the section begins, and then the author goes through the worst teams of the past 22 seasons and relays the fate of each of those teams' best player.  It is interesting that really the only "best player" to stick it out is Big Z after the Ricky Davis/Darius Miles year, but what really got me thinking is if the Cavs have the worst best player of that time period (Ramon Sessions, with an 18.1 PER)?

Probably not, considering the 2004-05 Atlanta Hawks were led by Tyronn Lue's 16.2 PER (which I guess is why they passed on Chris Paul and Deron Williams in the 2005 draft).  The only competition Lue has is Johnny Newman's 14.9 PER for the 1997-98 Denver Nuggets, who at 11-71 are one of the most criminally forgotten terrible teams ever.  I was always convinced Newman would become a head coach since I figured he must have some kind of insane intangibles or basketball acumen to consistently get work in the NBA for 16 seasons despite never posting a PER above 15.5, but instead, Johnny got himself a sweet website.



   

Duke V. North Carolina, in the Battle of Who Could Care Less

It's Duke-North Carolina night, and while I'm sure ESPN is promoting the hell out of it (I don't really know, since I don't get the channel), but all the match-up does for me is produce an audible "Meh."  (Apparently ESPN.com agrees, since there is nary a mention of this famed and storied rivalry on their front page as of 12:45 PM Wednesday.) 

When's the last time this game actually mattered?  Going by rankings in the main polls, 2009, when Duke lost twice to North Carolina but both teams were firmly in the top 10.  I'd argue, however, that it didn't really matter that year because the Tar Heels were a juggernaut, as they soon proved in the NCAA tournament.  In 2008, #2 Duke beat #3 UNC in Chapel Hill, but I wonder how much that result really meant considering #1 UNC beat #5 Duke in Durham a little over a month later.

More importantly, I don't think any ACC game matters this season.  The ACC is garbage, with Duke and the late-charging Tar Heels looking like the only teams capable of doing anything in March.  While it is nice to have two very good teams in a conference, the same thing can be said about BYU and San Diego State in the Mountain West, and those teams are hounded by UNLV and New Mexico while Duke and UNC feast on the likes of mediocre squads such as Maryland and Florida State.

Is this sour grapes from a bitter cynic absolutely exhausted by Duke-UNC coverage, who's first college basketball experience was heartbreak watching that douche Christian Laettner knock Kentucky out of the tourney with a lucky shot, who's roommate at Kent State constantly sang Petey Pablo whenever the Tyler Hansborough was on the TV screen, and who hates Roy Williams and Coach K with equal vitriol?  Perhaps.        

Playing The Lotto #1

As the Cavs continue their march towards infamy, it is increasingly likely (if not assured) that the Wine & Gold will have the worst record in the NBA.* 


*At 8-44, Cleveland has a 4.5 game "lead" on Minnesota, who are next worst at 12-39.  The Cavs are also the only team with a double-digit point differential; unfortunately, it's a negative double-digit point differential (-11.9 points per game; the next worst is Washington, at -6.5).  The NBA record is -15.2 points per game, held by the 1992 Dallas Mavericks, so at least the Cavs should avoid that infamy.  This terrible deficit in points has of course led the Cavaliers to not only be at the bottom of the major statistic-based ranking systems (30th in John Hollinger's Power Rankings; 30th in Basketball Reference's BBR Rankings), but be at the bottom of those rankings by a healthy margin (3.489 points behind #29 Toronto in Hollinger's, with the next biggest gap between consecutive teams being #25 Sacramento's 2.072 lead on #26 Minnesota, with their -11.06 rating at BBR coming in a whopping 4.85 behind #29 New Jersey, which is overwhelmingly the largest gap between consecutive teams).  So, yeah, the Cavs are bad.

25 And Counting

I wouldn't mind seeing Bill Walker do this in the Q.

As the Cavs firmly plant themselves in the record book for all of the wrong reasons, let's celebrate with another trade idea to save them from themselves.


Trade #1

Cavs get:
Eddy Curry
Bill Walker
Anthony Randolph
Jamal Crawford

Knicks get:
Carmelo Anthony
Al Harrington
Mo Williams

Nuggets get:
Wilson Chandler
Toney Douglas
Kelenna Azubuike
Jeff Teague
Danilo Gallinari
Miami's 2013 #1 pick ( via Cleveland)
Atlanta's 2012 #1 pick

Hawks get:
Chauncey Billups
Timofey Mozgov

Diminishing Skills Bracket-OGRAPHOLOGY!!!

Welcome to the inaugural edition of the Diminishing Skills Bracket-OGRAPHOLOGY.  Really, I just wanted to see how the NCAA tournament field would look if it started today (actually, late Sunday night), and since it took me about 3 hours to work my bracket out, I figured I might as well make a post of it.  I'm going to try to do this every Monday until the actual tourney field is announced, but I'm not going to promise anything.  The field was filled by putting in the 32 automatic qualifiers (the leaders of each conference as of Sunday, February 6), and then determining the remaining 36 teams by taking an average of Ken Pomeroy's ratings, ESPN's RPI, and Jeff Sagarin's ratings.  The results are as follows (AQs in CAPS):

Three Trades To Change The Cavs

(Who the hell is Alonzo Gee?)


When my girlfriend and I decided to forgo getting cable, I was concerned I would miss watching the Cavs.  As the losses pile up in ever-more humiliating fashion, however, I feel more and more like not getting cable was the the best decision I've made in years.  It has become exceedingly apparent that even though there may be some talent on the roster, the Cavs need to turn that roster over, and soon.  There is just too much of a funk hanging over these guys, and it would probably be best if they all tried to reclaim their careers elsewhere.  Hence, my three trade ideas to change the Cavs.  Notice I'm not promising to make the Cavs any better; in order for them to win at the the level Clevelanders have become accustomed to the past 5 or so years, the Cavs are going to need some serious lottery luck (in very likely more than one lottery).  No, these trades will only clear out the bad vibes of the post-LeBron era, while hopefully leaving the roster flexible for future building.  There is no building happening this year; instead, the goal for the remainder of the season should be exorcising every last vestige of this horrible, horrible team.  (Please note: I don't really understand how the trade exception works, so it is entirely possible all three of these trades cannot happen congruently.  Please forgive me if this is the case.)

Super Bowl Facts: Receiving

• In the past 10 Super Bowls, seven different players have gained over 100 yards receiving, led by Deion Branch's 143 in Super Bowl XXXVIII.  The others include: Mushin Muhammed (140, also in XXXVIII); Branch again (133, XXXIX); Terrell Owens (122, also in XXXIX); Hines Ward (123, XL); Wes Welker (103, XLII); Larry Fitzgerald (127, XLIII); and Santonio Holmes (131, also in XLIII).
• Of those seven players, three were named Super Bowl MVP (Holmes, Ward, and Branch in XXXIX).  
• Three different players have caught at least 10 passes, led by Branch (XXXIX, although he also caught 10 in XXXVIII) and Welker's 11.  The other player is actually running back Joseph Addai, who caught 10 balls in XLI.
• Fitzgerald and Keenan McCardell (XXXVII) are the only two players to catch 2 touchdown passes in a single Super Bowl.  They share the lead for total touchdowns in the decade with Muhsin Muhammed (XLI & XXXVIII); Mike Vrabel (XXXVIII & XXXIX); Ricky Proehl (XXXVI & XXXVIII); and David Givens (XXXVIII & XXXIX).  Vrabel, of course, is the only defensive player to score an offensive touchdown.
• The lowest yardage total to lead a team is Ike Hilliard's 30 yards for the Giants in Super Bowl XXXV.  The lowest reception total to lead a team is Ben Coates and Brandon Stokely's 3 for the Ravens in that same Super Bowl.
• The best performance by a tight end is probably Dallas Clark's 7 catches for 87 yards in last year's Super Bowl.  Other than that, there haven't really been any tight end performances of note in the past 10 years.
• The longest pass reception is Muhammed's 85-yard touchdown in XXXVIII, the longest play from scrimmage in Super Bowl history.  The next longest is Fitzgerald's 64-yard TD catch in XLIII.
• Kevin Faulk is the only player to finish in the red in receiving yards, tallying 1 catch for -1 yards in Super Bowl XXXVI.
• Priest Holmes had one catch for 4 yards for Baltimore in Super Bowl XXXV.  I forgot that he had played for them.
• Muhammed (Carolina and Chicago), Proehl (Carolina and St. Louis), Jermaine Wiggins (Carolina and New England), and Joe Jurevicius (Tampa Bay and Seattle) are the only players to catch a pass for two different teams.  Muhammed and Proehl both caught TD passes for each of their respective teams, as well.
• Antwaan Randall-El is the only non-QB to throw a touchdown (to Hines Ward in Super Bowl XL).

A Joke

A joke my dad told me:

"So, the Browns find themselves at the end of their rope by the end of next season.  McCoy isn't the answer, and Holmgren and the front office brass aren't sure who is, so they gather up the scouting department and issue an edict to scour the Earth for a quarterback.  They send scouts all over the country, to every college and nearly every high school, up into Canada, down into Mexico, across Europe, and even into China and India.  While in India, a frazzled scout nearly at the end of his rope gets word of an Afghani teenager who is single-handedly keeping the Taliban at bay in his village.  The story goes that Taliban warriors seized control of a six-story security tower in the middle of the village and began sniping people from above, so this kid lobbed a grenade six stories straight up, right into their laps, killing them all.  Then, even more amazingly, the kid took it upon himself to eliminate a hijacked personnel carrier the Taliban were using to mow villagers down with machine-gun fire by throwing a grenade 200 yards on a line straight into the passenger-side window.  After seeing tape of the kid's heroics, the scout knew he had his man.  After finally tracking the Afghani hero down, the scout loaded him on a plane and returned to Cleveland.

Fast-forward two years.  The kid turns out to be a natural leader, and an even more natural quarterback, and he ends up leading the Browns to a Super Bowl victory.  After being named Super Bowl MVP, he calls his mother.  'Mama! Mama! I did it! I'm Super Bowl champion!'

'Enough with this!' the boy's mother exclaims, nearly in tears. 'I don't want to hear another word about football or the Super Bowl!'

'But mama,' the boy stammers, amazed at his mother's scorn. 'Football and the Super Bowl have made us wealthy, and have risen me to the pinnacle of Western culture!'

'Well, they can keep it!' his mother cries.  'Ever since you signed with these Browns, your brother's been kidnapped, your sister's been raped, and I can't even go to the market without fearing that I will return and my home will be ransacked again.  Why, oh why, did you make us move to Cleveland?!!'" 

Super Bowl Facts: Passing

 Before I dive in to today's Passing Facts, I just wanted to mention a couple of things I forgot to mention in the Rushing Facts post.

• In the past 10 Super Bowls, no running back has been named MVP.  The last time a running back won was 1997, when Terrell Davis led the Denver Broncos to victory in Super Bowl XXXII.  In fact, dating back to 1990, only 3 running backs have been awarded the Pete Rozelle Trophy: Davis, Emmitt Smith (XXVIII), and Ottis Anderson (XXV).
• Both the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers have had rushers tote the ball at least 20 times in every game they've played this postseason.  The Packers' James Stark has carried the ball 23, 27, and 22 times in each of his games, while Pittsburgh's Rashard Mendehall has games of 20 and 27 carries.  
• The Saints and the Colts had no back carry the ball more than 20 times in last season's road to the Super Bowl, while the Steelers again had two (Willie Parker, 27, 24) and the Cardinals had one (Edgerrin James, 20) in the 2009 playoffs.  

With that out of the way, on to today's Facts.  Oh, I also forgot to mention in the previous post that I'm only going over the previous 10 Super Bowls.  As much as I'd love to comb through all 44 of the previous games, I simply don't have the time.  Maybe next year.

Super Bowl Facts: Rushing

• In the past 10 Super Bowls, there have been only 5 players who have rushed the ball more than 20 times.  The leader is Michael Pittman with 29 attempts in Tampa Bay's 48-21 shellacking of Oakland in Super Bowl XXXVII, followed by Jamal Lewis's 27 (XXV), Antowain Smith's 26 (XXXVIII), Dominic Rhodes's 21 (XLI), and Shaun Alexander's 20 (XL).  Every player but Alexander was part of a winning effort.
• The lowest number of rushing attempts to lead a team during that same stretch is Charlie Garner's 7 in Super Bowl XXXVII.  The Raiders as a team attempted only 11 rushes on the day.  The only other teams that failed to have an individual carry the ball at least 10 times include the 2009 Arizona Cardinals (Edge James, 9), and last year's Saints (Pierre Thomas, 9).  The Saints, of course, are the only team of the three to win.
• No player has rushed for more than one touchdown in a single Super Bowl during the past 10 games.  In fact, only 10 rushing touchdowns have been scored total, by all teams, in the past 10 Super Bowls, two of which were scored by quarterbacks (Kurt Warner, XXXVI; Ben Roethlisberger, XL [although Big Ben's TD should probably be credited to the refs]). 
• The highest single-game rushing total belongs to Pittman, with 124 yards.  Only 3 other players eclipsed the century-mark: Jamal Lewis (101, XXXV); and Dominic Rhodes (113) and Thomas Jones (112, on an impressive 15 carries), both in Super Bowl XLI.
• The lowest single-game rushing total (by a running back) belongs to Gary Russell, who ran for -3 yards on 2 carries in Super Bowl XLIII (but did manage to fall into the end zone).  The lowest total by a back with at least 10 carries is Mike Alstott's 15 yards on 10 carries in the oft-mentioned Super Bowl XXXVII.  Like Russell, Alstott also found his way into the end zone. 
• Only 3 backs carried the ball more than 10 times in two seperate Super Bowls: Antowain Smith, Willie Parker, and Joseph Addai.  Smith leads all rushers in the past decade with 175 total yards, followed by Addai's 154, and Parker's 146.  Strangely, Addai has rushed for exactly 77 yards in both of his Super Bowl appearances. 
• In the past 3 Super Bowls, no back has carried the ball more than 14 times, which both Brandon Jacobs and Laurence Maroney did against each other in Super Bowl XLII.  In the past 2 Super Bowls, only one back in each game carried the ball at least 10 times (Parker, 10, XLIII; Addai, 13, XLIV).
• The only team with more than one rushing touchdown in a single game was the 2005 Steelers, who got touchdowns from Willie Parker and Ben Roethlisberger.

College Football Playoff Scenarios

Well, the college football bowl season is fast-approaching, so that means it's time for my oft-repeated look at how much better things would be with a playoff system.  Instead of the ridiculously in-depth realignment plans I've proposed in the past, I'm just going to look at what the college football postseason would look like under a few basic playoff schemes.  I will start with a look at the most realistic, the "plus-one" solution.


PLUS-ONE

This is the most likely playoff to actually happen, with the top 4 BCS teams facing off and then the winners meeting in a later National Championship Game.

Sugar Bowl
1. Auburn over 4. Stanford
Rose Bowl
2. Oregon over 3. TCU
National Championship
2. Oregon over 1. Auburn

50 Most Wanted NBA Jerseys

A few items to consider as you peruse this list:

1. I've never worn an NBA jersey in my life (the only sports jersey I've ever worn outside the field of play is a Soviet hockey jersey my dad got for me when he visited Moscow).  If I were to actually acquire these jerseys, I would just dress my (future, as-of-now-nonexistent) kid in them everyday until he or she is 18 and runs as far away from me as possible. 
2. I have no apparel lust for a.)current jerseys, and b.)star player jerseys, unless its a former star players jersey chasing money and/or a ring on a team other than the one they were a star for.  Buying a Kobe jersey or a Jordan 45 jersey is just sad; buying a Jordan Washington Wizards jersey is...well, actually, it's still pretty sad, but for completely different reasons.
3. I am fully aware that this has probably been done at least 20 other times on the Internet, with 19 of those times being superior to this one (and the other being a spam site).  This is more for me than it is for you, so just deal with it, I guess.

And now, in no particular order, I proudly present 1-10 of the Diminishing Skills 50 Most Wanted NBA Jerseys.

One Man's Ideas Of How College Football Conferences Should Re-Align

If there is one thing the great conference re-alignment boon of 2010 has taught us, it is that the things we used to consider important to the integrity of a conference no longer apply.  Geography, for instance, used to be considered perhaps the most important aspect of a conference's identity.  Following the PAC-10's failed attempt at adding Texas and most of the rest of the Big 12 South, however, it is clear that geography is no longer a real consideration for how a conference is built.  With the old ideals of what makes a conference a conference going out the window, I figured it is time to shuffle the proverbial deck of college football in the hopes of creating a new landscape boasting super conferences aligned for competitive reasons, not geography.  Dive right in after the jump.

Brian Windhorst > Adrian Wojnarowski

If you haven't read Adrian Wojnarowski's piece on LeBron's departure from Cleveland, I recommend that you do so.  Most of the information in it is stuff you probably already know if you've been paying attention, and it isn't especially well-written (it almost seems as if each paragraph was copied and pasted directly from the author's notebook with little regard for how each little tidbit fits into the larger frame of the article), but it perfectly illustrates two things:  Wojnarowski hates LeBron, and Cleveland should be eternally grateful for Brian Windhorst.

Goodbye LeBron?

Apparently, LeBron James is going to use his one hour prime-time special tonight to announce he is joining Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami (which I kind of doubt, but I will get to that at the end of this little excercise).  While this is extremely disappointing for Cavs fans, I am too tired right now to properly gauge the emotional weight of this decision.  Instead, I am just going to do a grab bag list of random topics related to this stunning news.

Holy Shit!

So who do I cheer for now?

The Cavs are no longer in the playoffs, as you may have heard, but I still have a playoff beard, so I have to cheer for somebody.  So the question is, which of the four remaining teams do I cheer for?  Here's a quick countdown from "If they win, I'm slitting my wrists" to "I might have even cheered for them against the Cavs".


4 (But it might as well be 4,000,000,000,000 since I would never, EVER cheer for them). Orlando Magic  I hate Orlando and its family-friendly theme parks; I hate Stan Van Gundy and his weasel-voice; I hate Dwight Howard and his smiles and his whining and his body-type (his shoulders are a little too square for my tastes); I hate Vince Carter and his pussiness and his railroading of Toronto and his lack of balls and his inability to be what we all thought he would be after the 2000 dunk contest; I hate Rashard Lewis and his contract that will pay him 19, 21, and 22 million dollars; I actually don't mind Jameer Nelson, but he gets my scorn due to proxy.

3. Los Angeles Lakers  Cheering for Kobe Bryant is like cheering for Alex Rodriguez:  kind of lame.  Ron Artest has disappointed thus far this postseason by not completely losing his mind (there's still time, so fingers crossed!), and Pau Gasol has gone from being underrated to being vastly overrated (I have heard him described more than once as a future Hall-of-Famer, which is so ridiculous I can't even come up with a good analogy here).  Derek Fisher is terrible for 98 percent of a game, series, season, but annoyingly always hits a three that swings the most important game of the year.  Nobody likes guys like that.  Mostly, though, I am just bored with the Lakers.  Haven't we seen them enough already?

2. Boston Celtics  This may be surprising, considering what has just transpired, but I don't blame them.  The Celts played great, hard, clean basketball and beat a team that didn't really care or got scared or choked or just wasn't as good as we thought or any combination of the previous.  I don't blame the Celtics for what happened, and actually respect them for playing their asses off.  If they won the title, it would be a pretty amazing testament to how much chemistry and heart matter in basketball.


1. Phoenix Suns  As a mentioned in the intro, I almost would have cheered for them over the Cavs if the two teams were to have met Finals (which they obviously won't).  They are the anti-Magic.  Steve Nash is one of the five most likable guys in the NBA (along with Dirk, Big Z, Kevin Durant, and Joakim Noah*), and this picture is too awesome to deny.  Grant Hill is perhaps the classiest player of his generation, and has inexplicably re-invented himself as a defensive stopper.  Amare Stoudamire has done the unthinkable and curbed his offensive  aggression as needed in his contract year, while Jason Richardson is playing every playoff series like he's back in Oakland and the 2007 Mavericks were coming to town every night.  When you add in a bench that includes Jared Dudley, Leandro Barabosa, and Channing Frye (who shoots 3s like Wes Person now) and the return of goofball and defensive anchor Robin Lopez, you have a team that anyone not from Boston, LA, or Orlando can (and should) love.  The power of the playoff beard has been passed onto you, Phoenix.  I hope you enjoy the inevitable back-breaking, franchise-wrecking series loss you are about to endure.

*Of course I'm joking.  I actually am having hard time pinning down a fifth likable guy.  Leave your suggestions in the comments, if you want. 

Joakim Noah REALLY needs to shut up already

What is wrong with LeBron James?

We are all Witnesses, except this postseason, instead of transcendent play by our MVP, we are witnessing the lowest point of LeBron James's professional career (which, for all intents and purposes, began when he was sophomore in high school).  You all know what has happened in the past week or so, but why has it happened?  Here are a few theories:

1. His arm is barely hanging on.  If the name "Tommy John" is uttered in connection with LeBron this off-season, then we can all admire how amazing it was he was playing at all.

2. He was due for a rough stretch.  According to LeBron following last night's game, "(He) spoil(s) a lot of people with my play. When you have 3 bad games in a 7-year career, it is easy to point that out."  The odds alone say he was due for at least one stinker after having only THREE in SEVEN YEARS!!!  It's just unfortunate that it came during the biggest game of the season.  While we're quoting LeBron's post-game comments, can we all agree that his demeanor is bizarre, if not offensive?  Why is he so nonchalant, why isn't he pissed (did you hear Kevin Garnett?  He is already fired up for Game 6, calling it the Celtics' Game 7, and still calling the Cavs the best team in the NBA when they clearly aren't.  That's called RESPECT FOR YOUR OPPONENT, LEBRON!!!), and why is he such an ass about "spoiling people?"  Maybe...

3. He's on mescaline.  "Did you say mescaline?"  "Indeed I did."   

4. He's trying to get Mike Brown fired.  I've always liked Mike Brown, and have always thought he gets a bad rap, but if LeBron wants him gone, that means he wants to stay--albeit with a new coach--and if the choice is Mike Brown or six more years of LeBron, then don't let the door hit you in the ass, Mikey.  In all seriousness, this theory actually might have something to it, considering John Calipari and the agent he shares with LeBron were sitting courtside just days after rumors circulated that Calipari is LeBron's dream coach.  I hope it's this one, because the alternative is...

5. He can't wait to get out of Cleveland.  This is the most likely scenario, and the most fitting for a sports town that is getting almost too depressing to care about anymore.  

All this said, though, I still think the Cavs win in 7*.






*And then get swept by the Magic.  
   

Bruce Drennan is enjoying the Indians as much as the rest of us

via Joe Posnanski

Browns sign YouTube star

From Shutdown Corner:

"Based on that video alone, the Browns gave Reinders a call and signed him as an undrafted free agent. You know who the Browns didn't call and sign as an undrafted free agent? The guy Reinders blocks in the very first highlight."

I don't know much about how an offensive tackle is supposed to look on film or what Joel Reinders's blocking assignments actually were, but it sure did seem like he missed a lot of blocks.  Maybe in three years he'll be protecting Colt McCoy's blindside, but I'm not going to count on it. 

Mike Brown is pot high

Really?

Report says Indians most-hated team

Well, at least this is finally exorcised. *

*Or not.  Fuck that guy.  And poor Craig Ehlo.  I'm still convinced Jordan kicked him in the face when they show MJ's celebration from the angle they always show it from.

Finally, the Cavs beat the Bulls in the playoffs.  That's one monkey off their backs; up next, the Boston Celtics, who the Cavs have actually beaten in the playoffs (essentially ending Larry Bird's career with a 122-104 blowout of the C's in Game 7 of the 1992 Eastern Conference semis).  Before we get to that scintillating showdown, however, I just wanted to reflect on some miscellaneous thoughts about the series that just was:

Let's see Slider do this...

via Ball Don't Lie: 

NEWS FLASH!!! When LeBron James drives, good things happen

I know what you're saying.  "No shit."  I'm sure anyone watching a Cavs game has at one point felt exasperation when LeBron holds the ball for ten seconds and then shoots a fade-away three.  We all know he can't be stopped when he decides to go to the basket, and even if he is, good things still come out of it.

Oklahoma City 110 Los Angeles Lakers 89

Thank you, OKC, for reminding me how rough things could be for my beloved Cavaliers.  Sure, they lost to the Bulls by 2 on the road, but the Lakers got smoked.  That score doesn't really indicate how bad this game was. 

The starters for both teams were pulled for the fourth quarter, which is insane to see in a playoff game.  I'm sure it's happened in 1 vs. 8 blowouts before, but I seriously doubt it was the 8-seed blowing out the 1-seed in any of those other games.

Kobe Bryant, who was actually in the conversation for best player in the league at some point in his overrated career, put up a whopping 12 points and didn't play a minute in the fourth.  How does a "killer" like "Black Mamba" (which he totally ripped off from Kill Bill 2 and never credited, which is fucking low, Kobe) let this happen?  Isn't he the most competitive player in the league?

Of course, it's not like he had much help.  Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum led the Lakers with 13, but Gasol was terrible, grabbing only 4 rebounds.  The Lakers as a whole gave a pathetic effort in the rebound department (not to mention every other department of the game), as evidenced most egregiously by a series in the 3rd quarter where Russell Westbrook took and missed a poorly conceived pull-up jumper, chased down his own rebound ALL THE WAY ON THE BASELINE, AFTER IT HIT THE FLOOR (!!!), and passed to Nenad Krstic (who converted a 3-point play).

I know I lambasted the Cavs for their performance in Game 3 on Thursday night, but at least they had enough heart to fight back from a 21-point deficit in the 3rd and put themselves in position to win the game.  The Lakers just rolled over, and I can only hope that the Thunder win Game 5 in LA and really put the pressure on.  We'll see how much "heart of a champion" is left in Kobe and the gang, or if they're the soft cowards they looked like in OKC on Saturday night.      

carltonmitchell.net

While perusing the results of the Browns day three draft, I found myself Googling each selection (since ESPN offers some pretty weak analysis).  I looked up safety Larry Asante on CBS Sportsline and learned he is a converted linebacker who started his career at a junior college before landing in Nebraska (the Browns certainly do seem to value run-support ability in their safeties).  Then I looked up wide receiver Carlton Mitchell out of South Florida, and the number two result was something called carltonmitchell.net. 

I was blown away.  How awesome is it that our 6th round pick has his own website?  And that the main page of that site is a chart explaining how by the year 2021 he will be the second best receiver in the NFL (and will be the best from 2015 to 2018). 

Now I know Mike Holmgren and Tom Heckert and Eric Mangini probably scouted Mitchell and did all the work necessary to make sure he was a good fit for the team, but I like to hope that they went to his website, looked at that chart, and decided they had to take the league's number one receiver (circa 2015).

Welcome to Cleveland, Carlton.  You are my new favorite rookie.

 

If you like made up statistics, then you hate Montario Hardesty

Over at Football Outsiders, they have a study up on the value of college running backs that involves a lot of stats and numbers that I do not understand at all.  The part that caught my eye, however, was when they translated their mumbo-jumbo stats into ratings ranging from +3 to -3 that project a running back's future success in the NFL.

A shocking development in Houston

In case you haven't been following the MLB season closely yet, the Houston Astros are pretty terrible.  They currently sit at 5-10 (which actually isn't that bad considering they started 0-8), and their 41 runs scored are 13 less than the next fewest total in the National League (Pittsburgh's 54). 

All of this was more or less expected coming into the season.  The shocking thing is that the Astros' leader in home runs and RBI is none other than former Indians fourth outfielder Jay-Mike himself, Jason Michaels! 

Michaels has the amazing line of .286 BA, 2 HR, 5 RBI, .286 OBP (a walk is the pussy way on-base to Jay-Mike), .786 slugging, and 1.071 OPS.  Granted, he has done all of this damage in only 14 at-bats, and I'm sure his numbers are going to come down to his usual replacement-player level, but let's ride this thing while we can.  Jay-Mike for MVP!

2010 NFL Draft: Round One Thoughts

Like any draft, the first round of the 2010 NFL Draft was full of surprises, head-scratchers, and potential home runs.  Of course, it's pretty hard to evaluate how well a team has done less than six hours from when they made their selection, but I think you can judge how they did based purely on a value scale.  One thing this first round showed more than most (I assume, but that could just be the recency effect wreaking havoc on my mind) is how one team's move can affect pretty much every other selection in the round.

"No more fo fo fo fo"

That's the text I received at 9:51 Thursday night from my pal Chad while I was at work.  The dreams of an undefeated postseason were dashed; the one-seed Cavs had been defeated by the eight-seed Bulls.

As soon as I digested the weight of those words "No," "more," "fo" (although it would have been a lot cooler if Chad had written "No mo fo fo fo fo," but I digress), I was awash with a rage that surprised me, a desire to bite the brim of my filthy Ohio State hat quelled only by my intense fear of whatever germs may be crawling on it.  I wanted to scream nonsensical slurs at the Japanese executives going about their business around me, and pull the hair of my female co-worker.  I wanted to shit on the president's desk, and then wipe my ass with the picture of his daughter (I'm guessing).  Someone had to pay for this smear on the city of Cleveland and their basketball team, but my senses got the better of me and instead of essentially resigning from my job in the worst manner possible, I just punched my gut until I felt like I was going to cough up blood.  The pain soothed my rage, and I began to reason through what had transpired.

PSA: Kevin McHale is the greatest man ever

I meant to include this in my playoff thoughts, but I forgot.  If you don't listen to Bill Simmons's podcast, he had an interview last Friday with Kevin McHale that was awesome.  (You can listen to it here, which, if you really love me, you will do RIGHT NOW.)  The Rick Mahorn story is worth it alone (although I can feel bad about laughing at Mahorn's expense considering his recent troubles), but McHale also describes Bill Laimbeer as a guy you couldn't see get hit enough, which is great.  I came away with two major lessons from the interview:  1.) McHale probably kept his job in Minnesota for so long because he is just about the nicest guy ever; and 2.) the 1980s Boston Celtics liked to drink beer and fight almost as much as they liked to play basketball.  If, after listening to the interview, you still don't believe McHale is great, then watch this:



  

NBA Playoffs Update: Round One Quick Thoughts

As each playoff series shifts venues, I thought it would be a good time to look back on what transpired in the first two games and to look forward to what to expect in the lower seeds' home arenas.  For those of you wondering when I'm going to get back to my Season In Review series, I can only say in good time.  With the playoffs starting and the NFL draft going down, I felt there were more pressing issues at hand.  Also, I'm growing a playoff beard for the Cavs, but it's not quite ready to be revealed to the world.  Maybe it will be after they finish off the Bulls, so look forward to that!

2010 NFL Mock Draft

It's NFL Draft week, and while we all wait to hear the next crazy rumor out of Berea (the Browns are going to trade their entire draft for Sam Bradford; no wait, they're going to take Jimmy Clausen; no wait, they're going to trade down and take Colt McCoy in the middle of the first round; no wait, they're going to trade their number one for Big Ben; etc.), I figured I'd let you know exactly what's going to happen with the 3rd Annual (sort of) Diminishing Skills Mock Draft (you can read the first two here and here, but I must warn you, their accuracy may make your head explode).  Just as with my killer weekly NFL picks--and Starting Lineup's decision to produce the pictured product--these are 100% correct. 

NBA Playoff Preview: Western Conference

While the Eastern Conference is looking like it's going to be chalk throughout each of the first round matchups, the West projects to be a bit more interesting.  With each team winning at least 50 games during the regular season, this year's field ranks as one of the deepest in league history, and should provide tight, prolonged series across the board.

NBA Playoff Preview: Eastern Conference

With the playoff matchups finally set, I figured I would take a break from my Season in Review series and give a quick rundown on what to expect in the first round.  Today, the Eastern Conference.

2009-10 NBA Season in Review: Minnesota Timberwolves

The Timberwolves represent a messy collection of bits and pieces of the elements from the first three teams in this series: they have a logjam of similar assets like the Pistons; they lack a focused organizational mandate like the Pacers (although I suppose it could be argued that Indiana's mandate is to collect white guys); and they have a large amount of cap space this summer that is most likely going to be squandered, like the Wizards.

2009-10 NBA Season in Review: Washington Wizards

Welcome back for part 3 of my epic NBA season-in-review.  Today we look at the Washington Wizards, the first team in the series with cap flexibility, but with an outlook for the future just as depressing as the Pistons or Pacers.  I'm not all that happy with how the Detroit and Indiana pieces turned out, so I'm going to make the unprecedented move of changing the format of these things midstream.  Now, instead of two sections of large blocks of text that you probably don't even read, I'm going to break things down into smaller categories including pre-season expectations, reality (what actually happened during the season), and the outlook going forward.  Enjoy.

2009-10 NBA Season in Review: Indiana Pacers

Welcome back to my NBA season in review.  If you missed my Detroit Pistons review, you can read it here.  Up today, the Indiana Pacers.

2009-10 NBA Season in Review: Detroit Pistons

Hey, gang!  With the NBA season winding down, I figured it was a great time to update the old sports blog and get you ready for the playoffs while also looking back at the season that was.  Since the first round match-ups aren't set in stone yet, I'm going to start off with a look at those teams that will be sitting at home this spring.  The teams are presented in order of most depressing to most hopeful, with a quick season review and look ahead into the off-season included for each squad.  Today's entry is the Detroit Pistons.  Enjoy.

College Football, As It Should Be

Another regular season of college football is in the books, and as the BCS bowl game matchups are announced and the national title game participants are slotted, there is one thing all college football fans can agree on (yes, even fans in Austin and Tuscaloosa, if they're really being honest): this system is fucked.  I know that isn't a revelation, but every year it gets worse and worse.  How can we possibly know if Texas and Alabama are actually better than TCU, Boise State, and Cincinnati?  Yes, Texas and Alabama play in tougher conferences, but so did Alabama last year, and Utah (from the Mountain West, the same conference as TCU) destroyed the Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl.  Say TCU or Boise State wins the Fiesta Bowl in a blow out, and Cincinnati dominates Florida.  Who can honestly make a plausible argument that either of those teams isn't as deserving of the national title as the winner of the Alabama-Texas game?  No one, that's who.

THE Solution to NFL Overtime

While I was watching the Ravens beat the Steelers in overtime, I had to explain to my girlfriend the rules of overtime in the NFL.  She correctly called them stupid.  While I was then explaining to her the way overtime is handled in college and how it is equally as stupid, it hit me that the resolution to the NFL overtime debate rests somewhere in between these two stupid systems.

What is the most exciting part of an NFL game?  The final 2 minutes, when the offense is running a no-huddle and time is at a premium.  So in order to provide the most exciting finish possible to a game, and give each team a chance to score (while also making them earn that score), I suggest you give each team alternating possessions starting at their own 20-yard line.  The offense would then have only 2 minutes to score, and on each possession would be given one timeout.  (The defense would be given a timeout, as well.)  The game ends when either the second team fails to match the first team's score, the defense returns a turnover for a score, or the second team scores after the first team fails to score.  If the defense forces a turnover but does not score, the offense takes over at the spot of the resulting play following the turnover (unless the spot is within their own 20-yard line, in which case the offense would start at the 20).  Punts are not allowed; if an offense is stopped on four downs, the opposing offense starts at their own 35-yard line.  Field goals are allowed, but in the case of a missed field goal, the opposing offense starts at the 35 (unless the spot of the field goal attempt is further down field, in which case the offense takes over there).

Admit it.  This is the greatest idea you've heard all weekend.  Now enjoy being pissed with me that it isn't (and probably never will be) a reality.

NFL Picks: Week 7

While living in a white trash, backwards ass town in the middle of nowhere certainly has its drawbacks, every once in a while a shiny gem emerges.  For instance, on my way home from work this evening (actually, morning; I get off at midnight), I nearly ran over an overweight drunk kid riding a (Pow! Pow!) Power Wheels down the middle of the street.  I've never seen someone having so much fun.  A gem such as this cannot be pulled from my horrible week 6, however.  All I can do is regroup and rub my Troll doll's head a little harder.

College Football Picks 10/22/2009

Wow.  I haven't felt this low since the morning after I wrangled that buffalo at Shooters.  Like my dad always says, though, "Reeking of sloppy fat girl pussy in the morning is still better than reeking of handsome man asshole in the morning," so I'm going to follow his lead and take the moldy old lemons of last week's picks and squeeze them into some make-you-rich lemonade.

NFL Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In The Land: Week 6

Power Poll Time!!!

NFL Picks: Week 6 (Rushed Edition)

I slept in, so the time I had allocated for writing this post was instead spent dreaming of rollercoaster rides with my dad (a recurring dream).  I actually did quite well winging it last week, so maybe it's better I don't have time to think again.

NFL 2009 Quarter Pole Report

With a little over a quarter of the season in the books, I thought it would be a good time to check in on how things are shaping up in the NFL, both by looking back at what I got right and wrong coming into the season and what we can expect going forward.  As the flea said to the tick, dig in.

College Football Picks 10/14/2009: Information Overload Edition

Wow.  This is shaping up to be one hell of a weekend of football.  Thank God I get to go to another wedding.  Since I was kind of late getting back from the last one I went to, I didn't get to do my college football recap on Monday.  Therefore, my predicted lines and this week's WHAM Rankings (which I plan on running every Monday) will be included along with this week's picks.