Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In the Land (Week 3)

32. Oakland Raiders 0-2

They’re not, uh… they’re not good.

31. Tennessee Titans 0-2

The Titans just traded Billy Volek to the Chargers, ending my crazy fantasy experiment of drafting him and Drew Bennett and having them go nuts whenever the Titans faced a team with a great offense but shitty pass D. Unfortunately, Jeff Fisher decided it was more prudent to go with Kerry Collins and his 1.9 QB rating. Alas, I can only wonder what could have been.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-2

Where’s Shaun King when you need him?

29. Houston Texans 0-2

If the Texans could play D, they might be alright (league worst 67 points given up in the first two games). Man, if only they had taken some defense with the first pick instead of reaching for the stars with Regg- Oh, that’s right. Never mind.

28. Cleveland Browns 0-2

The best news about this week: a showdown with Oakland is only 13 days away.

27. Detroit Lions 0-2

Most people hated when Roy Williams said it was “stupid” how close the Lions were to scoring 40 in their 9-6 loss to the Seahawks. I think it was the greatest moment thus far in this young 2006 NFL season.

26. Green Bay Packers 0-2

I never thought I’d see Brett Favre lose two games in a row at Lambeau. Of course, that was 6 years ago when I figured Favre had 2 years left tops.

25. Washington Redskins 0-2

The ‘Skins offense has been atrocious, but you have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Portis is hurt, and Brunell’s been playing the whole year despite dying in Week 15 of last season. How terribly, terribly courageous.

24. Kansas City Chiefs 0-2

Now can people stop projecting partial season numbers over an entire year—as was done when Larry Johnson was predicted to rush for 2000+ yards—or is Chad Pennington actually going to throw for 5000 yards this year?

23. Miami Dolphins 0-2

I think Duante Culpepper is on the take. How he can go from having one of the top three QB seasons of all time in 2004 to what he is today is beyond explanation other than a Columbian drug cartel has kidnapped his daughter and he has to throw games for them so they can win some supplemental income (you know, extra money) to help out with the bills (because everyone knows nobody buys cocaine anymore) until John Matrix can save his daughter by telling Bennett to let off some steam. Sweet movie, man, fucking sweet movie.

22. Buffalo Bills 1-1

21. San Francisco 49ers 1-1

20. New Orleans Saints 2-0

I’m not fucking buying it.

19. Denver Broncos 1-1

18. St. Louis Rams 1-1

Both teams have won disgustingly ugly games and lost to teams they shouldn’t have (St. Louis to San Fran, and Denver to St. Louis, which is the only reason the Rams get the nod over the Broncos).

17. Arizona Cardinals 1-1

They would be higher if they had gone through with plans to name their stadium Pink Taco Stadium.

16. NY Jets 1-1

The Jets have looked as feisty as Suzy Kolber thus far. A shootout with Buffalo looms this week.

15. Carolina Panthers 0-2

“But they haven’t won!” you scream. “I’m scared of Panthers and black people and especially of black people wearing a black panther on their helmets!” my grandmother screams. To both of you I say the Panthers will not drop below 15 until they have 8 losses. They’ve pulled this shit before only to make anyone who has written them off (me) look like an asshole. Besides, Steve Smith hasn’t been in for them yet. Oh, and just a little FYI, put all of the money you and everyone you know has on the Panthers in their rematch with Atlanta. Smith doesn’t let people get away with complimenting him. What do you think he’s going to do to D’Angelo Hall after Hall talked shit when Smith couldn’t even play?

14. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-1

Bill Cowher and Jerry Porter engage in homosexual activity with each other, and it only strengthens the resolve of the team. So there you go, bigots of the world.

13. Dallas Cowboys 1-1

The Cowboys got outmanned by the manliest team in the NFL (Jacksonville) and then beat up on a corpse (Mark Brunell). It’s still too early to tell anything, except that TO vs. Philadelphia will be a non-event, thanks mostly to Bill Parcells smashing “the player’s” broken finger with a hammer if “the player” even thinks of doing anything “player” like.

11. NY Giants 1-1

11. Philadelphia Eagles 1-1

Really, the records should be NY .25-1.75 and Philly 1.75-.25 since Philly killed the Giants for three quarters. Seriously, though, Eli Manning, though not nearly the QB his brother is, has nuts Peyton only dreams about (and we can only hope that Peyton dreams about Eli’s massive sack).

10. Minnesota Vikings 2-0

I don’t know what to say except Brad Childress Mustache Rides better be the next sex scandal to come from this team.

9. Seattle Seahawks 2-0

Thanks a fucking lot, Shaun Alexander. Way to fucking mail it in after getting the big check. Fucking piece of shit has yet to produce anything for the Battered Roast Beefs (my fantasy team) or the Seahawks. And yet both teams are still 2-0. I somehow don’t see that lasting unless Shaun gets his act together.

8. New England Patriots 2-0

Sure, they barely beat two inferior teams, but those inferior teams were divisional opponents, who I’m told are the best kind of opponents. The Patriots never blow people out anyway.

5. Baltimore Ravens 2-0

5. Chicago Bears 2-0

5. San Diego Chargers 2-0

All three of these teams have blown out each of their first two opponents. It must be noted, however, that all of these teams’ opponents came from a pool including Oakland, Tennessee, Detroit, and Green Bay. I’m not saying these teams aren’t as good as they’ve been, but I am saying that it’s much more likely that they’re not.

4. Cincinnati Bengals 2-0

Chad Johnson is the most entertaining man playing sports today. I have no joke or anything. Just fact on this one.

3. Indianapolis Colts 2-0

Reggie Wayne + Marvin Harrison +Peyton Manning – Edgerrin James = 5000 yards passing for Peyton, who will then, if early season projections are correct, finish just behind Chad Pennington for the passing title.

2. Atlanta Falcons 2-0

The Falcons are the Bizarro Colts as Michael Vick will become the first quarterback to ever run for more yards than he passes for.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-0

I know I said in my Monday Night log that I wouldn’t make knee-jerk reaction about the Jags, but facts are facts: they’re the only 2-0 team to beat two quality opponents, which means they’re the only team to beat two quality opponents since if you’re not a 2-0 team, you didn’t beat any two opponents, regardless of quality. And with that moment of clarity, I bid you a fucking adieu.