Power Poll Rankings of the 32 Best NFL Teams In the Land (Week 4)

Last week’s ranking in parentheses.

32. Oakland Raiders 0-2 (32)

The Raiders didn’t even play last week, and yet I have an intense urge to drop them further.

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-3 (30)

Say what you will about how shitty Chris Simms was (and he was quite shitty), but the guy’s got guts for playing with a ruptured spleen. Of course, he now has one less gut, but still.

30. Houston Texans 0-3 (29)

The Texans D somehow made the Washington Redskins offense look dangerous. Plus, they gave up a record 22 straight completions to a corpse.

29. Tennessee Titans 0-3 (31)

How good would Drew Bennett (16 catches, 235 yards) be if he had anyone other than Kerry Collins throwing to him? Don’t worry. We’ll know in one or two weeks.

28. Detroit Lions 0-3 (27)

It’s stupid how close the Lions are to being the worst franchise in any sport of the new millennium.

27. Cleveland Browns 0-3 (28)

Do-or-die time, Brownies. If you don’t beat the Raiders this week, I am done watching you for the year.

26. Kansas City Chiefs 0-2 (24)

I don’t really think they’re this bad, but as long as Damon (or is it Brock?) Huard is their starting QB, they will remain in the company of these other boobs.

25. Green Bay Packers 1-2 (26)

21 more TD passes until Brett Favre breaks Dan Marino’s all-time record, which also means 21 more TD passes until Favre has no reason left to play.

24. N.Y. Giants 1-2 (11)

The Giants are one quarter and an overtime period away from being 0-3, and two quarters and an overtime period away from being 0-3 with a point differential of 92 against versus 31 for, or -61 points (their actual point differential is 92 against versus 81 for, but 44 of the Giants’ points have come in the fourth quarters of their last two games and 6 came on that overtime touchdown by Plaxico Burress versus the Eagles). Ouch.

23. San Francisco 49ers 1-2 (21)

I would like to whole-heartedly thank the 49ers for getting steamrolled by the Eagles and for helping me stay alive in my King of the Hill contest. If I were there in San Fran, boys, you could certainly expect a kiss on each and every one of your starfishes.

22. 21. 22. Arizona Cardinals 1-2 (17)

If Dennis Green can jerk around naming his starting QB on consecutive days, then I can jerk around with the Cardinals’ ranking. And I know you’re reading, Dennis, so could you just stick with Warner for the sake of my fantasy team? Please?

21. Washington Redskins 1-2 (25)

Did that game against Houston prove that this is a different team when Clinton Portis is playing, or did it just remind everyone that Houston and number one pick Mario “I can’t even believe they passed on Bush” Williams are the worst defense in recent memory?

20. Buffalo Bills 1-2 (22)

Shouldn’t their helmets have a picture of a duck with an arrow pointing at its beak, or should I say bill?

19. Miami Dolphins 1-2 (23)

Congratulations, Miami. By beating Tennessee, you became the third member of what is sure to be an exclusive 14 member club.

18. Dallas Cowboys 1-1 (13)

Why the drop? Well, according to my source in Dallas, I had no fucking clue who to put here and just went with a team that had a bye.

17. St. Louis Rams 2-1 (18)

Kurt Warner finally paid back the Rams for giving him a shot as a starter by handing St. Louis their second win of the year. Kurt Warner, what a guy (but that wife of his is a stupid bulldyke cunt if you ask me).

16. N.Y. Jets 2-1 (16)

A tough win over a divisional opponent doesn’t move you anywhere when that divisional opponent is the Buffalo Bills.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-2 (14)

15. Carolina Panthers 1-2 (15)

Sure, the Steelers got soundly thumped by the Bengals, and yes, the Panthers struggled against the Bucs, but I’m not anywhere near ready to write these two off yet.

13. Minnesota Vikings 2-1 (10)

I fear the day when the Vikings go on a losing streak and Brad Childress feels compelled to shave his ‘stache to turn the tide. Don’t do it, Brad! Please, God, don’t!

12. Atlanta Falcons 2-1 (2)

I know the Falcons were in a no-win situation against the Saints, but c’mon. It looked like Jim Mora, Jr. and his staff honestly thought that no one could ever stop their running game, so they therefore didn’t even bother working on the passing game. I know Mike Vick isn’t ever going to be Peyton Manning, but the guy’s got some skill. There’s no way he’s that bad throwing the ball unless he and his receivers just never got the time needed to work together.

11. New Orleans Saints 3-0 (20)

Guess what? I’m still not buying it. The Saints have won against the Browns, the Packers, and in a game that there was absolutely no way they were going to lose. I heard Chris Myers today on Fox Sports Radio talking about how the Saints have become America’s team. Honestly, when the Saints lose three in a row and five of six, no one in America is going to care about them, including people in New Orleans who, in case you forgot, have an entire city to rebuild. So, yes, it was great that the Superdome is back open and functional and that the rest of America can get closure on the whole Katrina catastrophe even if the end is nowhere in sight for the actual victims of it. Now can we please stop. Please?

10. Jacksonville Jaguars 2-1 (1)

So they got beat by Indy in Indy. Big deal. They’ll get the Colts back in Jacksonville. Just watch.

9. Baltimore Ravens 3-0 (5)

I’d bitch at these guys for scheduling pasties (Tennessee, Oakland, and Cleveland) if I actually gave a damn about their STD-ravaged town or their knife-wielding acquitted middle linebacker.

8. New England Patriots 2-1 (8)

I have vocally supported the Deion Branch trade, and will continue to do so, but maybe the Pats should have checked with Tom Brady before pulling the trigger. Not only does Brady lack any kind of trust in his receivers, he seems to genuinely despise them.

7. Philadelphia Eagles 2-1 (11)

The Eagles should be 3-0, although it still wouldn’t be that impressive since those wins (or should-be wins) have come against the Texans, the Giants, and the 49ers. Up next: Green Bay. Jesus, who made their schedule, Brian Billick?

6. Seattle Seahawks 3-0 (9)

Even though Shaun Alexander is out indefinitely (as my good friend and fantasy opponent Bob has pointed out about 73 times in the past 18 hours), I don’t see it affecting this team that much. Alexander hasn’t done shit this year, and now that he’s out, he’ll still be doing shit. Looks like a push to me.

5. Denver Broncos 2-1 (19)

It looks like the Broncos are going to have one of those years where every week they’re going to look like shit—win or lose—and the next thing you know they have a first round bye in the playoffs. Ugh.

4. San Diego Chargers 2-0 (5)

The bye week hurt the Cowboys, but helps the Chargers as I completely forgot about them until now.

3. Indianapolis Colts 3-0 (3)

They did what they were supposed to, holding serve at home against the Jaguars. Once they beat the Jags in Jacksonville, they will easily move up.

2. Chicago Bears 3-0 (5)

The Bears have just set the record for being the fastest team to ever clinch a divisional title, having already beaten all three of their NFC North brothers.

1. Cincinnati Bengals 3-0 (4)

The Bengals should join the Bears following Cincinnati’s imminent November 5 trouncing of the overrated Ravens.