Monday Night 9-18-06: Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

Pregame

• In his Nutrisystem weight loss commercial, why does Dan Marino throw like my step-dad, who’s had a torn rotator cuff since he was 18? Was the weight he lost the ligament that bends his elbow when he throws? Or was it the part of the brain that manifests pride? Sellout.
• Why do people care that TO is hurt? Haven’t they watched a Cowboys game? The offense is designed to spread the ball around, with Drew Bledsoe’s old Boston girlfriend Terry “She” Glenn being the favored target. Complete over saturation of Owens, and, for once, it’s not his own doing.
• Jim Mora, Jr. must’ve finally given up on the idea of Michael Vick as a traditional QB and decided to have the first professional option offense since polio was threatening the youth of America’s health. And, shockingly, it might actually work.
• Don’t you wish Tom Jackson would ask Michael Irvin if he’s retarded every time Irvin talks? For now, Jackson just laughs at Irvin like you or I would laugh anytime a retard talks.
• Why is Chris Mortensen never allowed to sit at the cool semi-circle table with the rest of the crew? Even when they’re in the studio, Mort’s off in a corner with a computer behind him, implying that he can’t be away from it in case a hot news item comes in. But if he has ESPN Mobile (which I’m sure he does), why does he need to be at the computer? Maybe he’s the guy who sends out the updates. Or perhaps he’s just an asshole.
• George Seifert didn’t win any of his Monday Night games with the Panthers? I’m shocked.
• Berman just mentioned how Deion Branch won the Super Bowl MVP in Jacksonville and how he is now a Seahawk. If anyone had asked me, I could have told you that Branch would be gone from the first moments it became an issue. I was amazed that no one brought up Belichick’s handling of Bernie Kosar in Cleveland in regards to Branch. Back in ’93, Belichick shocked Cleveland by cutting Kosar, citing Bernie’s “diminishing skills” (and, hence, the name of a blog is born). Even more shocking was that Bernie’s replacement, Vinny Testeverde, had just broken his ankle, forcing the Browns to start my favorite and yours, Todd Philcox. But Belichick was resolute in his decision, just as he was with Branch. New England’s offensive struggles against Buffalo in week one only hastened the move, as the media determined that the Patriots would have to give in to Branch’s demands, forgetting that Belichick loves to give the finger to the media and any semblance of conventional thinking. And you know what? It was the right move. Branch is getting way too much money now, and the Pats got a 1^st rounder, which should turn into a good player, given New England’s recent draft history. As a side note, I heard Joe Theisman this morning on Mike & Mike commenting on the Patriots game yesterday, saying that without Branch, New England lacks an outside burner. Joe, Branch never was an outside burner! He is a precise route runner with excellent hands. He’s a tremendous possession receiver, but the big plays in New England’s offense over the years have come from David Patten, David Givens, and (possibly) Bethel Johnson. Besides, Chad Jackson looked pretty good to me.
• Michelle Tafoya seems vaguely Asian. Or perhaps Native American. Hmmm.
• Sal Palintonio has never smiled. Ever. What a pro.
• Thank God! I’m extremely excited to see Tony, Joe, and Mike playing golf. I’m so excited, I’m actually rewinding my Tivo just to see the teaser about it again.
• My respect for Byron Leftwitch has grown exponentially. Not only did he boo Joe Theisman as a kid, but he told him about it.
• Suzy Kolber is looking feisty tonight; her eyes are squinty, as always, but she still doesn’t look as Asian as Michelle Tafoya.
• For the second straight week, MAC QBs are starting on national TV. Eventually, I’m gonna look up the ratio of MAC starting QBs versus the major conferences. I will not be shocked if the MAC favors quite well.
• “Michael’s Playmakers” is the worst segment about football that does not involve Shannon Sharpe, especially (or perhaps because of) Irvin’s terrible first person voice over. Here’s one for ya, Mike: “I’m Tom Jackson, and Michael Irvin is retarded.”
• My buddy Matt just teased Jacksonville +9 and the under at 43 for as much as I make in 2 weeks. We’ll keep a close eye on that.
• Ed Werder and Brad Childress: Separated at Birth?
• JACKED UP is so forced, and it really disappoints me that it’s Tom Jackson’s segment. He’s always been the voice of reason of this motley crew (see: Jackson calling Irvin a retard).
• Dwayne Wade just rolled in with Avon Barksdale’s crew. I swear that one dude is Bird.
• Porter and Cowher: Who’s the pitcher and who’s the catcher? My vote is Porter is whatever Cowher wants him to be. These football players are wired differently, almost like soldiers, in that they will do anything for their coach, whether it be droping into coverage, running up and down bleachers, taking a 39 year-old dick in the mouth, whatever.
• I just saw a UFC commercial, and what is George St. Pierre’s fighting style, Muy Tai? “Like dis? LIKE DIS?”
• They just showed a shot of the Jacksonville chapter of the Special People’s Club or whatever waving those Jaguar Tails on the field, and I have to wonder why Irvin wasn’t down there with them.
• The Jaguar mascot just dropped down to the field on a bungee cord, and it has to make you wonder if Owen Hart is under that mask.

First Quarter

• Eva Longoria is a definite upgrade over Arnold to open the show. This is how hot she is: I’ve seen so much of her that everything in me tells me to hate her, and yet I keep hoping for a Desperate Housewives commercial just to see her in that little white dress she’s wearing. Mmmmm.
• Good idea moving Kornheiser away from the middle of the booth. He looked like a cancer patient between Theisman and Terico.
• Rothlesberger’s motorcycle accident was bad luck? I thought it was just stupidity.
• This is the first time I’ve ever seen Jack Del Rio. It looks like he just got his ass kicked, but who’s kicking that guy’s ass? Answer: David Ackers.
• Big Ben’s temperature is 104? What’s he got now, typhoid? Now that would be bad luck.
• Robert Ferguson is getting mad love from GMC. Mad love.
• I think Theisman wants to fight Kornheiser about who’s day it was when appendectomies took 6 weeks to recover from as opposed to the modern recovery time of one week.
• Jeff Hartings’s nickname is Papa Smurf. If he wasn’t a Steeler, I’d like it. As it is, though, Jeff Hartings can suck a blue dick.
• Mike Peterson, introducing the Jags D: “Our linebackers will hit you and our corners will cover you.” On the first play following this, Craig Wilson wasn’t covered, but Brian Williams sure as hell hit him. Fourth down. This is gonna be a slobber knocker.
• Cowher had to check with Porter to see if he could challenge. I guess Porter changed his mind.
• Kornheiser on Cowher rescinding his challenge: “Cowher didn’t throw it far enough? You have to throw it 30 feet? Do you have to physically pick it up?” Fantastic stuff.
• Why does Porter have to do Chapelle’s Howard Dean bit? I want to like it, but, well, see Jeff Hartings.
• Theisman just asked if Dean lost. Holy shit.
• Reggie Williams wears his helmet awfully low, kind of like a motorcycle helmet. Is he trying to show up Rothlesberger?
• Ulti-mo doesn’t really work with football and Byron Leftwitch’s throwing motion. I saw it on Sunday Night Baseball, though, and you haven’t seen a swing until you see it in Ulti-mo. Fucking sweet.
• I like the Jaguars’ cheerleaders’ uniforms. They’re revealing, but not too revealing. They leave exactly enough to the imagination.
• Theisman: “The Steelers just ran a Dick LaBeau blitz up the middle.” Porter’s going to run a Dick LaBeau blitz on Cowher if the Steelers win.
• The entire skyline of Jacksonville looks like an airport.
• Way too much info with the diagrams of the appendectomy. It is interesting, however, that Joey Porter drew them with Bill Cowher as his model.
• Theisman: “You run the ball to give Ben a bit of a blow.” Cowher can only give Ben a blow if Porter can watch.
• 2^nd Steelers possession: Brian Williams covers and hits Hines Ward to bring up fourth down. Peterson knows his D, that’s for sure.
• Anybody know what song that is on the Budweiser commercial? It sounds like Q-Tip, but it could be McGoo since Q-Tip hasn’t had a song since that one that everybody liked but no one can remember.
• One quarter down: 0-0. Matt’s money’s looking safe.

Second Quarter

• Good advice from Theisman: Avoid 3^rd and 15 or longer. Jacksonville might want to take that one to heart. (But the Steelers are apparently such a juggernaut that the same situation won’t even slow them down. I swear, Theisman doesn’t know dick about shit, or maybe it’s shit about dick. Whichever.)
• I want to play Madden with Chad Johnson. EA should make that a contest or sweepstakes or whatever. Hell, I’d enter.
• The girl with the sign stating “No appendix? No problem for Big Ben” or something like that should have made a sign stating “No helmet? What a fucking idiot.”
• I don’t think anyone’s going to be able to run until the 4^th quarter. These defenses are smothering.
• Kornheiser agrees with Matt! “Bet the under.”
• Nate Washington got JACKED UP by Donnovan Darius. Unfortunately, the play was flagged under rule 15.3 section a: “Receivers and quarterbacks are pussies; therefore, never touch them. EVER.”
• Nice screen to Taylor. You have to run the screen against the zone blitz, since 2 or 3 down lineman will be dropping into zone coverage with zones rarely near the flat. You still have to have the skill to make something of it, though, and Taylor clearly does. (Dammit. My point just went out the window as Jacksonville got called for holding.)
• I’d punt it on 4^th down. Jacksonville can shift field position (they’ve started on the 16, 16, and 18). I love that Kornheiser just called Theisman out after the Jags only tried to draw the Steelers offsides while Theisman thought they were going to run a play. I also love that the Jags took the penalty. It gives the punter more room, and saves a timeout. Nine out of ten coaches would’ve called timeout before the play clock ran down.
• If the Steelers win, how much do you want to bet that some expert will compare Rothlesberger playing to Jordan in the flu game? Seriously, it will happen, and we will all agree that said expert is a fucking idiot.
• Deuce Staley may be inactive, but the Steelers still have a “deuce” up their sleeve. (Najeh Davenport once shit in a woman’s garbage can or closet or both when with the Packers. Ha.)
• Chad Owens, the Jacksonville punt returner, got JACKED UP by his own teammate and is now hurt. Now that’s bad luck.
• Wouldn’t you rather see Subway run the Happy Gilmore ad than those Jon Lovitz ones? I know I would.
• Theisman has more sound advice for the Jaguars before the half: “Don’t commit a penalty that will give Pittsburgh an automatic first down.” Top-notch analysis, top-notch.
• Kornheiser was describing how a game like this needs to be played in the snow and Theisman added “With breath coming out of their mouths.” Apparently, breath doesn’t come out of your mouth when it is warm out.
• End of half: 0-0. Matt’s booking trips.

Second Half

• End of 3^rd quarter: Jax 3- Pitt 0. Matt’s going to Red Lobster. Not a lot happening here, and if there is, I’m too tired to notice.
• Mathis picks off Big Ben. 4:53 left. Game. Maybe Tommy Maddox is still playing, if only in spirit.
• Mathis picks off Big Ben. 1:44 left. Game. Maybe Tommy Maddox is still playing, if only in spirit.
• Well, going along with the absurd knee-jerk reaction that is sure to follow this game, Jacksonville is a Super Bowl contender and Pittsburgh should be worried. Poppy-cock. The only teams we actually know anything about are Oakland (they blow) and Washington (they need a quarterback). Otherwise, the season is still young. What we do actually know is that Jacksonville owns Pittsburgh. I hope they meet in the playoffs so Big Ben can shit his appendix out. Oh, and Porter is still going to lay some pipe to the Chin. Peace.